No Kool-Aid Here

things i did on my "stay-cation"

2009-08-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

read a book
camped by a pretty little creek
ate great food
drank delicious beer
went to the coast
caught up on some DVR
petted the cat
slept
hung out in our boat drinking beer
walked (a little)
went to an amazing concert
celebrated theboy's bday
got engaged!

i'll say it was a very successful time away from work making it even more difficult to come back.

things i plan to do on my "stay-cation"

2009-08-14T14:38:00.001-07:00

read a book (or two)
catch up on my DVR'd tv
camp
pet my cat
sleep
sit in our little boat on the lake
drink good beer
eat good food
work-out or at least walk a bit
not check email
celebrate theboy's bday

i'll be back in a week.

i didn't mean to, honest....

2009-08-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

i didn't mean to disappear after i'd finally gotten things up and running again. and i especially didn't mean to disappear after throwing out the question of how to exercise with theboy in my life and my eating diaries and all that. i promise.

it's just that since i wrote that all sorts of crazy happened. crazy like construction on my condo and a new car and my parents visiting. and then things like drains clogging and talks of buying a new house and tons of work crazies and suddenly i was having little to no time to blog.

i will tell you that operation "less fat girl, little pants" (lfglp) is going well over the past couple weeks. i've been hanging out with the doctor/trainer when our schedules allow but have also done a good job of reintroducing running into the mix.

it's been 5 years since i ran my first marathon (3 since my last) and at some point a couple years ago after my knee injury, my body just stopped wanting to run, so i let it. but then a couple weeks ago i was out for a walk and i suddenly had this urge to run. so i ran my normal 3 mile walk course and was amazed at how great i felt, how strong my body is and how unbelievable it is that our bodies can do that. another marathon's not on my list right now, but i'm pleased to be introducing the running back into the mix.

i've also been doing so well with my eating! even on my bad days, i'm still eating much smaller portions and lately have been extra enjoying my weekly organic fruit and vegetable box. (plus my work started a small farmer's market and i've been picking up some extra produce there from my co-workers gardens). last night i made dinner for theboy - a yummy whole wheat pasta with roasted tomatoes, zucchini, shallots, basil and olive oil (all but the oil from co-workers or organics). yum! and i'm excited to have leftovers for lunch today.

theboy and i are taking a stay-cation next week complete with a couple days of OR camping and whatnot, but i hope to get back on the regular update train soon.

in other news...

2009-07-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

avocado watch 2009 is still on. i've eaten through my whole stash, but theboy just let me know that we have plenty more. (for those of you not following me elsewhere, we ended up with something like 26 ripe avocados so it's been all we've eaten morning, noon and night).

however, i did accidentally eat at mcdonald's two times while we were camping last weekend. well, not accidentally. that stuff is like crack to me and i try not to eat it, but twice (driving both ways) we ended up in a total bind and it was the easiest thing to shove down my hatch. (read: not exactly the best weight loss program).

the next few weeks are a bit chaotic for me with work travel and family visits and whatnot so i'm banking on the end of July and August to be the official kick-off to get yourself back together 2009. my biggest struggle is how to manage working out and being in a relationship. in the past (like when i was training for marathons or super fit or whatever), i was always in a relationship with healthy eating and working out. now, although theboy is super supportive, we have bowling league and family/friend engagements and the hope to just sometimes spend time together which makes the whole in a relationship with the gym bit more difficult. i've cut almost all drinking out of my diet, but man my ass needs to get on a treadmill and be introduced to the gym more often than the once a week when i pay for a friend and a workout. ugh! any thoughts on this one? and before you spout off telling me to get up earlier, let me just point out that i am not a morning person (just ask my mom - it's not even worth speaking to me before i'm awake much less asking me to get up earlier).

the upside is that i randomly found my silver matte dome ring previously thought to have been misplaced at the hilton hotel in bellevue, wa plus i got a couple other cute fun rings...

listy

2009-06-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

in an effort to keep myself on track from a dietary perspective, i though i might sometimes share what i eat each day (this will also help me post regularly).

and, i'd like to mix these food lists with someone other random dribble.

for instance:

so far today, i have consumed:

Breakfast:
2 TJ's banana waffles with syrup (mmmm, these taste like yum!)
one handful of bing cherries secured at last thursday's local farmer's market
1/3 of my cup of decaf coffee with splenda and skim milk (mostly b/c whomever made the coffee today, made it so weak that it was like milk flavored water - ick!)

AM Snack:
1 stick reduced fat string cheese
one handful bing cherries (see above)
5 saltine crackers (free from work)

Lunch:
one whole wheat tortilla
one can tuna
some mayo
copious amounts of spinach
1/3 of my water bottle, plus a can of sparkling water (free from work)

My bi-weekly delivery of organic fruits and vegetables arrives today so that will help dictate what i inhale for dinner. i also plan to attempt my old 3-mile running course plus do some home weight lifting in my living room. this may or may not be jillian michaels style (just kidding, i never make myself work out hard enough to puke).

in other related (or actually completely unrelated) randomness, last night we started our new summer bowling league and boy oh boy are we in for a treat. some of our old league friends are still playing along, but we have some interesting new characters including old bedazzler (a man who was wearing an eagle bedazzled on his t-shirt and a "503" baseball cap), hard core bowler (an 18-year old who has been bowling every saturday since he was 4) and everyone will hate me guy (the tatooed loud mouth who announced during our team meeting that everyone would either love or hate him by the end of the season).

can't wait to see who we play next week...

Loser

2009-06-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

i seem to be losing things left and right lately, mostly accessories. In the past few weeks, I've lost all of the following:

2 of the 5 rings belonging to my stackable ring set - one fell into the deep wastebasket in the women's bathroom at work, the other i lost in the LA airport. for the record, i did dig through a portion of the wastebasket, but then go embarrassed and just let it go.
my silver matte dome ring. i took it with me to seattle a couple weeks ago, i did not return home with it
my fabulous silver flower ring, the last time i saw it was on my cruise

the good news is that none of these was expensive (thankfully), but they were some of my current favorite accessories, no more.

in other good news, today i'm wearing a button down shirt and the ladies aren't busting out of it so if that's not a good monday, i don't know what is.

Fatty McFatterson

2009-06-18T14:48:00.001-07:00

i haven't been posting here b/c i haven't been feeling particularly inspired to share the sordid details of my weight gain with the world.

the boy and i recently took a cruise and then i came home and managed to binge on things like cheeseburgers and beer with no exercise until suddenly i realized about a week ago that i now weigh as much as i did when i moved to pdx 4 years ago (and was also very unhappy) and that i only have two pairs of pants to wear which is why i've actually been wearing dresses to work 2-4 days a week. not, as i previously thought, because i suddenly enjoyed how feminine they make me feel.

since i lost about 15 pounds 4 years ago, i've, for the most part, been really good about eating well and exercising and have managed to stay within about 3-4 pounds of that weight until recently. last week i realized that i've gone so far past the point of no return that i no longer have the motivation to fix this on my own and that i needed to go back to training with a professional to keep me on track.

enter last night:

last night i might have fibbed to my trainerfriend about how much i had been working out and also maybe told her i wanted to be sore today. so, as asked, she kicked my fat little ass and went all jillian michaels on me, to the point where i almost threw up on her gym floor. (thankfully, she suddenly realized i was white as a sheet and made me go lay down and do ab exercises lest i projectile vomit while lifting weights).

i'm pleased to say that today, i feel only moderately sore with what i'm sure is a complete freeze up of unused muscles coming tomorrow. my biggest discomfort today comes in the form of a pain between my two seemingly gigantic ass cheeks where they rubbed up the bicycle seat for far longer than they would've preferred. yep, you heard it here first, my ass cheeks are a whining.

anyway, since i can't regale you with dating stories since theboy is pretty much fantastic and even cooked me a healthy dinner last night for my post-workout nutritution, you now get to spend the next few months with me figuring out how to get back into my size 4 clothes and dealing with my body whining every time i deny it a beer and offer it a 12-lb weight.

cheers.

ps - i totally have a little girl crush on jillian michaels. her angry demeanor seems to work for people and her 30-day shred is a great quick workout when i don't have time for much else.

one

2009-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

today marks one year to the day of the first date with the boy. so since i didn't get him a gift and we're bowling in our league tonight, i thought i'd share some thoughts with you, dear innernets.

thoughts about the boy, one year ago today:

since i'd just come off my dating whirlwind, that he was another nice guy but that i wasn't sure it would last beyond the summer
that he was wearing a watch that didn't work and that made no sense to me
that it was good (and bad) that he lived just 8 blocks from me

thoughts about the boy today:

he is my person
one of his many adorable quirks is that he wears a watch that doesn't work
i love that he lives 8 blocks from me as i never have to shower in his shower and can always run home and change (this, however, has slowed the progress of us taking next steps as it's not inconvenient enough for me to be anywhere willing to give up my own place)
he's the most patient, caring man who will do just about anything once
even when i'm at my worst, he still loves me like i'm the best
i have a new appreciation for ponds and spend lots of time thinking about one
we can go anywhere and still laugh
everday i wake up amazed that it is possible to love him more this day than the previous

many, many more thoughts to be shared on many, many more anniversaries.

tight skin

2009-03-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

one of the side effects of a year of bliss with TheBoy, is the recent tightness of my skin. as in, the wee bit of weight i've gained.

even though we drink much less than we did in our initial months of courtship, we now cook and eat dinner together 3-4 nights a week and occasionally splurge on celebratory dinners, bday dinners and other such nonsense.

while i love the opportunity to be able to have dinner with him (and damn is he a good cook), we can't really eat my skinny girl diet of veggies with a blip of protein. he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy and now i have a meat and potatoes kind of ass.

we're headed out on an adventure in a couple months and my goal is to at least not to feel all fat girl, little pants by then.

ah, bf bliss.

just a thought really

2009-02-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

i know it's february 2nd and we were all pretty excited this morning to see if punxsutawney phil would see his shadow (and send us 6 more weeks of winter) or not.

and, i admittedly, was hoping he wouldn't see his shadow b/c i'm ready for the spring/summer and light nights and camping and outdoor goodness.

but, i'm also a realist, and it was 30 degrees outside my house today and i had to scrape some ice off my car.

so...i'm still wearing my winter clothes. and no sandals/ open-toed shoes to work...yet. so, WHY did you?! it's freezing!

side note, i know this thing is dying a slow death. the boy and the stable/non-datingness that is now my life has sort of, no really limited, the amount of fodder i have for this place. there's not much to share about things like cooking dinner together and then watching our favorite show on dvr or say, watching the super bowl with all our other married friends while eating pizza and buffalo wings or running errands for things like new car batteries and laundry detergent on a saturday. boring for the blog, but domestically blissful.

my most exciting news...we joined a bowling league and got new bowling balls and shoes!

see where i'm coming from here? i promise i'll sporadically update this thing if/when i have something to report. (like the open toed shoes in feb.!)

ummm, i guess...

2008-12-16T10:27:00.000-08:00

this just in! there are some very strange people out there, innernets. take this for example...

remember this guy? well i do. i remember him and all his creepy texts and i tell his little "story" whenever someone needs to hear some sort of dating nightmare a la moi.

friday night i get a random text "where u at?" from a number i don't recognize.

i respond "who is this?"

response: "this is {shortened version of creepy texter's name} u {my name}"

i spent a good 15 minutes trying to figure out who this person was when finally it dawned on me that creepy texter is now going by the shortened version of his name.

i did not respond.

guessing he was spreading a little holiday cheer. um, i guess it's normal to reach out to people that never responded to you in the first place....especially a year later.

and a happy holiday to you too, ct!

dreamy

2008-12-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

innernets: i'm back. done with all of my work related travel for the year. yippee! (well aside from that one quick day trip to seattle next week, but who can really call that a work trip).

i've changed my routine a bit (to deal with what i affectionately call the chunky monkey) and for some reason i've been remembering all sorts of crazy dreams.

three snippets from last night:

i'm floating down the river (on a giant rock no less) and i call over some cattails to ask one of my reports to work on something. when i get to the bottom of the river i begin to push the rock back up the hill.
my evil stepmother (from my childhood) goes into a bakery with my half sister and my then, step sister while i wait outside. when they return everyone has a big dreamy cupcake but there's not one for me. when i ask why, she says she didn't have money to get me one so she didn't
the boy and are on some grand adventure and there's a sick puppy (or maybe a sick kid?). it finally goes to sleep and i go to snuggle up to him and he turns me away.

what does all this crazy subconscious thought madness mean. can't a girl just get a solid sleep?

nope, not stressed at all

2008-10-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

wanna know how i know? b/c i just went to the bathroom to pee and looked down at my underwear only to realize they were on backwards. yep, i've been wearing them backwards since 6:30 this morning.

clearly my head is in a great place (not!).

side note, i'm going missing again. it's time for my crazy work travel schedule where i will be flitting around the US and the world until early december.

see you later alligator.

why i love working in cubeland

2008-10-15T15:17:00.000-07:00

i just printed out some items to take to a meeting that i have in a few minutes. when i walked over to the printer to pick them up, the printer was not working b/c it was jammed.

fear not. one of my trusty co-workers had printed out instructions on how to fix the problem with the printer (from another printer i can only assume), then found some tape and taped them to the inoperable printer. my co-worker did not, however, fix said printer with said instructions.

really?! really. you took the time to print out instructions on how to fix and managed to find tape to print them to the printer but you didn't actually fix it? c'mon.

note: i chose not to fix the printer either. i will always fix the printer/ copier when i break it, but i am above this nonsense.

instead i'm telling the innernets.

must be skimping

2008-10-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

i literally just looked at my elbows (no idea why i was looking at my elbows other than an excuse not to work for a few mins) and on both arms elephant elbows!

i've never had elephant elbows in my life! ever! and i'm from CO, the driest place on earth. i now i live in pdx where it rains 98% of the time - i can't even keep my hair straight, how can i have elephant elbows?!

have i been missing this spot with lotion for the last 47 months?! that's pretty much the only explanation.

side note: there is zero exaggeration in this post. and also zero sarcasm. but seriously?! elephant elbows?!

now i know...

2008-10-07T09:27:00.001-07:00

that if told the only way i can go to sit down in my seat AND have a beer, i will put a lid on my beer and drink it through a straw. i will also hate every minute of it and feel like a plastic cup ruined my $5+ beer.
that if i accidentally run into my ex (who incidentally asked me to never speak to him again) and his new wife, i will pretend i did not see them both to protect my new beau from the awkwardness and as a mature way of dealing with the above never speaking.
if an experience seems to be truly amazing the first time you experience it, it might be best to just let that ride and not try to recreate
donning an apron and cooking dinner for the boy, plus putting together a little leftover set-up for his lunch the next day will not insult the feminist side of me, but instead make me feel sexy
cleaning gutters on a saturday, in a raincoat and an oversized tee will bring lots of giggles and an unexpected closeness
the words "you do more for me than you even know..." can give me butterflies in my stomach.

now i know.

the sweetest thing

2008-09-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

last weekend i had the opportunity to do/ experience something that i have never ever witnessed.

the boy and i took an impromptu trip to SF - a last minute work trip extended into a weekend trip, some frequent flyer and hotel miles and what would have been an overly costly excursion suddenly became more than financially feasible.

the kicker was that the boy hasn't been on a plane in 30 years (and well, i travel multiple times per month). i'd been planting the plane seed (to someone who's afraid of heights) for quite sometime, but the opportunity arose much more quickly than i'd expected and when i broached the subject, i honestly thought he'd say "no".

much to my delight, he quickly realized that this was a great opportunity and push for him to get over his fear and he quickly committed to the weekend. prior to his departure on friday we had a long discussion about airport check-ins and regulations, what to expect, etc. but i never ever thought he'd have the reaction to traveling that he did.

when i picked him up at the airport on friday night he was the equivalent of a 5-year-old at christmas and could not stop talking about the various aspects of his trip, what he saw, how he experienced it, what he said, etc. it was literally one of the most joyous moments of my life.

b/c i travel all of the time, i forget what it's like for others - the excitement of going somewhere or the take-off of it all and it was so neat to share that sense of wonderment with someone.

it also helped that the weekend was fantastic and we spent the entire time plotting for our next sf adventure.

a doozy

2008-09-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

most of my professional life, i've been vying for an opportunity to move to another city or another country. not too awful long ago, i put myself up for a position in london b/c i was dying for a change AND a professional opportunity. the opportunity would have been mine had the funding not completely fell by the wayside.

i just got offered an opportunity to literally take my pick of places to go and i have no idea what decision to make. i have some time to think on it for sure.

i've tried all sides of the coin in the past (b/c apparently coins no longer just have two sides) - moving regardless of the boy's needs, moving b/c of the boy's needs, not moving b/c of my needs, moving b/c of my needs and i don't have the foggiest idea on where to begin here. i don't even know if i should tell him. what i should tell him. how i should tell him.

i'm not even sure we're there....yet. i have some questions to ask on both sides and some thinking to do. but this is a position i don't think i want to be in b/c i don't have a crystal ball and i kind of need one right now.

sigh.

California Dreamin' (or something)

2008-09-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

was in LA for a couple days this week. randomly greeted at the rental car place by a white mazda miata convertible. so CA...

spent most of my time driving it, thinking i was going to die in a fiery crash on a CA highway (especially when my face was at the same level of most SUV's mid rim). but yesterday on my way back to the airport, i put the top down, let the breeze flow through my hair and i drove that car!

i spent my driving kind of wishing i was still in my early 20s (and not in LA) where maybe someone would've noticed me, maybe the boys would've whistled or someone would've taken a second glance. i don't miss those times most of the time, but int that car, in that city (where everyone is a size minus zero and frankly, i'm not), i wished to be someone else.

it was fun, but i gladly turned that car in to return to my city, my trees, my fresh air, my boy, my house - all the things that define who i am today.

it was fun to look back, but mostly i'm just excited about moving forward.

one of my favorites

2008-09-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

coming off the last great group camping trip of the summer only to realize that fall is really here. it was obvious in the woods this weekend, it got dark so early and i was chilled during the night; glad to have someone to snuggle up to when i got cold.

on our way home yesterday i commented again on the shorter and shorter days and the turning leaves all while we made plans for things like stew and football and movies and winter things. of course when it's in the 90s it doesn't feel so much fall and we'll likely still sneak out for a few more camping weekends before we have to switch to cozy inns at the beach.

mmmm, great winter brews and cozy blankets, snuggling - all good fall things.

this morning i took my first fall shower (the one where it's still dark when i look out the window) and it was cold in the bathroom even though i knew it would be a hot day. it might be my favorite season made extra special this year by people and things around me.

making fall plans is enough to get me through any work week.

things i've lost

2008-09-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

this week.

my favorite hair brush
a chocolate bar
my cell phone

for some reason i think i might be under a lot of stress, that's the only way i can explain this as i never lose things.

nope, still nothing

2008-09-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

i'm finally back from vacation and whatnot. in town just this week and then out and about for the next two.

i still don't have anything to share here. if this were an anonymous blog and you were all readers who didn't know me or anything about me, i'd have plenty to say but b/c of our circumstances i'm blank.

i'm toying with the idea of retiring this thing all together. all things must come to an end.

i'll let you know what i decide.

until then, this is me, signing off.

see you in september

2008-08-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

i've had a hard time getting it up for the blog lately as i'm just trying to get through life. i've been busy. doing things. taking many adventures (all captured on film by the fabulous boy). but i haven't been able to make time for this space lately. b/c really it's about making time. thinking of something to write. remembering a moment as a blog post. i could tell you stories. oh, i could tell you stories from the last few months. so many things have happened. i hurt myself quite badly last weekend - that's a story. an ex got married. his ex's appearance. my family's coming to visit. i've seen more of OR in the last 3 months than i'd seen in the entire 3 years i've lived here. i have wonderful new people in my life. an old friend came to visit. so many stories. but none experienced with the blog in mind. i'm hoarding them for me.

i'm taking a life vacation for the next two weeks. spending one whole week exploring the southern oregon coast with the boy. and then enjoying summer here in the city.

hoping that the time away from work and obligations will somehow reinvigorate me to write on this blog. i've loved it for so long, it's been such a great outlet for me.

hopefully the writing will return when i return. see you in september.

the saddest face

2008-08-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

dear sad face,

um, dude. it was her birthday. any chance you could've mustered up a smile or something?

i mean we'd never met before and hopefully we'll never meet again. and i realize that maybe your features are part of the reason for your sorrowful look. but seriously, we were out celebrating! i spent most of the time wanting to punch you b/c you just looked so lame and sad.

now maybe you could blame it on the poor service we received at that restaurant. i mean, it WAS a total disaster. but i was just mostly mad, definitely not sad and neither was any of the other 20 friends sitting at the table.

sad man, i already decided that i don't like you. if i met you on a playground and i was still 10, i'd probably trip you.

so hoping to never see you again,

the link

ps - i think your wife is kind of whiney.

fat girl, little pants

2008-08-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

i knew i'd put on a couple pounds since the boy and i started hanging around. what can i say, we both love beer. but, it's never a good sign when you slip into your favorite work pants only to discover that they're a little tight in the thighs. and you spend your entire crazy, stressful event hoping that the lining doesn't rip.

time to quit eating (cuz i'm not giving up beer...)

just what you wanted to hear as an update.

probably not my new bff

2008-07-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

the first time i met her, she completely brushed me off but i'd hoped in that instance that it was due to circumstances not due to something that probably had nothing to do with me, but had already been decided by her.

that first night, she came over, greeted me, shook my hand and then promptly went and sat at another table with someone else she knew. we talked about it briefly in the days that followed, when he mentioned that it was odd and i mentioned that i was disappointed that i hadn't had a chance to talk to her. it was a brief conversation and i didn't think of it again until the time weeks later when we ran into her out and about.

the disdain for me was painfully obvious in the second interaction. we'd caught she and another friend completely off guard - driving by the place where they were and just happening to see them inside; we decided to stop. other girl was thrilled to see me, to meet me and gave me a hug when we walked in, but she mentioned that she thought we'd met? (as if she didn't remember) and wet fish shook my hand. as i have a habit of doing, i just sat down and started chatting as if there was nothing funny about the situation, but as the evening wore on her dislike for me became more apparent. at one point during the evening, she leaned over to new girl and they started whispering. i know it's vain to think it was about me, but somehow i just knew it was. as if she was testing me, seeing how i might respond, seeing what new girl thought of me.

new girl reached out to me, invited me to do things i couldn't and tried to override her, but in the end i was left with the feeling that she doesn't like me.

i can come up with a million reasons in my mind why she might not care for me (loyalty, jealousy, other -ys) but mostly i was just hurt that someone who'd never even had a conversation with me had already tried and judged me.

at the end of the night she limply hugged me goodbye, i guess that's a start, right?

#####

as you can tell, i've taken a new turn here. no longer a dating blog (b/c there's nothing to tell there), i'm enjoying chronicling interactions with people both in the past and present.

don't worry, i'll still regale you with tales of my foolishness in life and dating (when they become available), but right now i'm enjoying painting anonymous portraits of people i interact with.

happy long weekend, my innernets!

a little bit fuzzy

2008-06-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

lately i've taken to going out on a saturday morning (or sometimes other mornings) and getting from point a to point b without putting in my contacts or wearing my glasses. (note: i'm always walking, i don't drive without my eyes in.)

my eyes aren't horrible and i, for a brief time, like the haziness or it all; like the world's a bit muted. i like that i can watch the world in big giant blobs of color, appreciating the bright green on the trees, but not the individual leaves; the person walking their dog, knowing they're wearing a red top but having no idea if it's a man or a woman, a fleece or a t-shirt.

once i arrive at my destination, everything becomes clear again (b/c i'm close) but for a few moments i enjoy feeling anonymous b/c nothing in my life is clear.

just thursday morning ramblings...

and then he called me the "g" word

2008-06-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

i already knew i liked him. somehow in the course of three or four dates, i went from thinking he's was an interesting and likeable guy to knowing that i really, really liked him. i liked the way his eyes danced when he was telling a funny story or how he pursed his lips together when he was thinking. i liked the way he would gently touch my back when he came up behind me and how he'd caress my knee when we were driving places in his car. i also knew that many women (and sometimes even i) hate these gestures, the feeling that you are property, being owned, that he was branding you a bit with his touch. i'd done it before, shied away from any public physical contact, hated that others felt it was their right to touch me in public as if i were just that, a piece of property. with him it was different, i longed for that touch and when moments or hours went by without it, i craved it, wanted more of it, couldn't get enough of it.

i also liked that he made me laugh almost as often as he made me think; how we could have a heated discussion in one moment and then be laughing so hard that i had tears streaming down my face in the next. he had style and i'd always enjoyed dating men who had style (of any kind). i loved that we could be sitting amongst a crowd of people and i'd forget that there was anyone there besides us - we'd start chatting about something and the distinct objects and people around us would suddenly fade and become blurry.

i found it charming how he always seemed like he had to work up his courage to ask me to do anything in the future, even after we'd been dating awhile, as if he was concerned that i might say no. and when asked about it, he told me that women had had a problem with it in the past, saying he was trying to control the relationship. maybe i'd see it that way at some point in the future, but in that moment i loved that he took control always dreaming up some great adventure for us to take.

and it was on one of those great adventures that it happened, the "g" word. he'd called me his girlfriend, not just his girlfriend though his "smokin' hot girlfriend" which i suppose was completely fitting seeing as how we were huddled around a fire that later caught my shoe on fire. i hadn't been anyone's anything for a very long time and while the title (and all that may or may not go along with it) kind of scared me, i also thought it might fit. so i decided to try it on for size, wear it around for awhile, see where it took me. and secretly hoped (with all of my girly hopes) that it would take me somewhere good.

i'd have to wait to see where we'd land....

(to be continued)

not really my type

2008-06-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

as she came in and sat down across from me, i could already tell that we weren't meant to be bffs, but as the evening wore on it became apparent that i was going to have to get over myself in order to make this work.

when we'd first arrived, she wasn't there yet - just two other couples (who, for the most part i adored) - laughter and overall fun was the name of the game with with this group and then, then they arrived.

i'm not even sure we were officially introduced and i actually only know her husband's name, but i know if i'm to be part of this group, this won't be the last time i see her.

she is exactly the type of girl i love to hate. she spent the night flipping her hair and adjusting her strapless bra. her pink fake nails and too much touching just turned me off and yet at the same time i couldn't help but continue to watch the interaction like it was a train wreck. i spent a good hunk of time being thankful that i can't wear a strapless bra as i feel like all i ever see women do is adjust those things, but mostly i was just annoyed by her. her insecurities, the way she kept having to touch her husband's hair (probably to remind him that she was still there). i later learned that they often fight and then leave situations (i'm guessing due to her over-protective/ insecure actions or maybe a form of forplay i just don't understand).

the thing is, if she's been relaxed and confident she probably would've been like the other two wives/ girlfriends, but she wasn't. and because of that i don't like her; she just rubs me the wrong way, definitely not my type.

if i'd like this to continue, i'll need to bite my tongue and try to find common ground. hmmm, maybe that's why i haven't been looking for new friends.

turned tables

2008-06-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

no, not turn tables (as in dj as in records as in spinning), turned tables. when did the tables turn?

sometime in the past couple years, i noticed a strange shift in the endings to my relationships. maybe it was always this way and the most recent evidence brought it to light or maybe... maybe i have no idea.

what i do know is that i've had all of these weird break-ups/ non-break-ups lately (lately as in the past couple years). (yep, keeping it real here, keeping it a real dating blog). wherein these guys i'm dating or have been out on one date with or who i've never even dated at all (maybe just shared an email or a phone call or something) totally freak out on me when i tell them i'm just not that into them.

now, i've not read "he's just not that into you" although i hear there's a movie version coming out soon - i'll probably see that and let you know, but i do know that if i really think about it, i've never been caught off guard or thought that something was going on in a relationship that wasn't. meaning that even if i didn't want to see it at the time, there were always signs that he was over me or not into me and believe me, i'm good at giving those same signs. um, like when i maybe don't return your call/email/text for days on end when i had previously or when i'm suddenly cancelling plans or unavailable at previously available times? that's not b/c i suddenly decided to play a mean game of hard to get, it's b/c i've decided that i'm not that into you. and while i will always give you the full on, honest i'm just not that into you break-up/ non-break-up, please stop pretending that either a) you had no idea this was coming or b) that you were never into me either. (i realize some of you may argue that i'm not so good at the full-on, honest break-up as evidenced by my frequent use of email as god's gift to daters, but i do eventually end all things that need to be ended and i'm not usually too subtle about it either).

here's the thing: i'm a 30-something who has dated one or two people in my life so i'm pretty good at the dating game and picking up on the clues (read: good at the dating game as in i've been on a lot of dates. see all previous posts for evidence on how i'm maybe not so good at the actual dating stuff) so i guess i just don't get how any one person could be caught so off guard by the end to a relationship that never happened?

innnernets? discuss.

(Author's note: i've been sick and not left my home for two days while my head nearly exploded with goop. i'm sure when i orginally started this post, i had much more to say on the subject matter but then i went and saw SATC the movie and got all carrie on you plus i have this other post that i really want to write. and so, in conclusion, you get what you get, okay? don't say i never write here anymore, k? - end rant/ author's note)

random people interactions

2008-06-04T07:36:00.001-07:00

since we don't talk about dating here anymore (dating? who's dating?), thought it would be fun to share a couple random people interactions i've had this week.

SCD (sketchy cab driver) - leaving for the airport sunday am before 5AM, got in a cab w/ SCD. this guy spent our entire cab ride detailing sketchy business transactions and drunken nights with the "loan girls" from his recent trip to idaho. i secretly wanted to shout "dude, it's 5AM, i'm still half asleep and do you really, REALLY want to share the details of your seemingly illegal business deals and prostitutes?" instead i shut my mouth and pretended to be interested.
HBB (head bag banger) - nearly lost my head on the airplane when HBB behind me got so anxious to get her bag in the not full overhead bin that she whacked me in the head (hard!) with the wheel on her carry-on. when i turned around and glared she seemed confused. my thought? why are we always pushing to get on a plane and sit in our seats (unless in 1st class) when we are just going to be crunched like tuna in a can for the next 5 hours. settle down and wait, we'll find something to do with your piece o' shite bag.
CC2 (Chevy Chase 2) - went to dinner with some colleagues the other night and was accosted by a chevy chase look alike. seriously, this guy was chevy chase from vacation and his kids could've passed for the red-necked brother's kids in that movie. highlights that came out of his mouth. "you work w/ {company i work for}? do you work with cords?" now any of you who know what i do, know that said company does not work in cords (it's a household name). and another: "what i think you ladies should do is head on back to your hotel and get yourself a male masseuse. i always tell my wife to get one." (this while hitting on the woman next to him, for the whole dinner - her husband was sitting two people down). believe me, CC2 was a real gem - we're still talking about him.

quote of the week (by she who will not be named): "first i saw the space shuttle and then i got a hummer!"

yep, heading back to the pdx for a month tomorrow. more scintillating tales later...

this just popped into my head... (where the magic happens)

2008-05-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

so i thought i'd share it with the innernets.

scene: my house. PS (potential suitor comes over for the first time)

i'm giving PS a guided tour of my place and when i get to my bedroom i choose to say "this is the place where the magic happens." for some reason, this strikes me as both funny and appropriate at this moment in time.

cut to several hours later when PS and i are cozied up on the couch making out. PS turns to me and says "should we take this to the place where the magic happens?" which for some reason turns me so sour on the whole situation that i'm suddenly not that into him.

we broke up shortly thereafter. for some reason there wasn't much magic, where the magic happens.

don't know why that's in my head today...

it's friday, just go with it.

nothing to report here

2008-05-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

nothing at all other than to inform you of my whereabouts. well that and the fact that i have some green goo coming out of my face and a really, really bad sinus headache (bodes well for this crazy travel schedule).

so, in case you were wondering where i am.

in seattle yesterday and today.
fly to nyc on sunday. come back next wednesday night, late.
leave for good fun with the dr. the following saturday morning, come back tuesday.
in town for 6 days, then gone for 9 or 10.

bottom line, i'm mia. i like it that way.

ps- don't try to burgle my house, there's someone there.

if my head doesn't explode, i'll tell you a story later.

radio silent

2008-05-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

i don't mean to be radio silent on this here blog, but i currently have a wee bit of fear about, what you might call, being bit in the arse by this, here, blog.

you see, ever since we (and by we, i mean me and by me, i mean accidentally) decided that this blog would be a recap of my disasterous (is that even how you spell that word?) dating life, strange things have happened.

a suitor (mentioned in earlier posts) unexpectedly disappeared on me (again! another one) and suddenly i had the horror o' horrors that maybe he had somehow discovered this thing (although i seriously have no idea why or how he would've) and read my recaps about him and my other dates and that somehow explains his disappearance.

then, after a marathon phone call with one of my current interests, i had a dream that he had blogged about all of my faults in this same type of public forum and i found it and that was the end of that.

so, out of respect for my two current interests (one summer, one longer termish - did i really just say that?), i've been avoiding posting on this blog.

and, since apparently the only thing interesting that happens to me involves dating or not dating or waiting to be dating or potential dating the only other thing i could possibly report on would be the fact that i just somehow managed to dump my cup of coffee down my face and shirt this morning while taking a sip out of the cup. well that and the fact that an ancient suitor showed up via text over the weekend and my date non-date almost asked me to be his date to his brother's wedding until he realized i was going to be out of town so then awkwardly asked if he could be my intern instead. yep, so those things happened. maybe i am looking for a love slave - i should probably take his offer seriously.

oh, and apparently i love the parantheses today so that's also fun.

anyway, tune in next week when maybe i'll have something of merit to discuss. until then, enjoy the sun or rain or snow depending on your locale.

online dating - the numbers

2008-04-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

i know you guys want to hear about fried chicken, but i had to share these little morsels instead...

i broke up with my online dating site awhile ago, things just weren't working out for me or us and i ultimately discovered that it had just become a crutch for me to find fault in every single person i went out with, but...it definitely served its purpose for me at that time.

so, in numbers:

total cost for 6 months of dates: approximately $150
total dates attended: 40-50 (I'd say that thing paid for itself as most of the dates were very nice on some level)
total number of men in PDX metro area who are potential matches for me: over 700. (note: there are appoximately 700 men in the pdx metro area that some computer thinks are a good match for me and yet i'm still single. something doesn't quite add up here).
total number of concerts attended on said dates: 2
total number of times date concert taker warranted an additional date after concert: 2
total number of chain restaurants attended on a date: 1
total number of times chain restaurant guy got a 2nd date: 0 (note: I'm not a chain restaurant kind of girl)
total new restaurants/ bars tried while on said dates: 6 or so
total number of times the nightlight (my favorite bar) was part of my date: 3 or 4
total number of first kisses: 5
total number of break-ups by me: 1 plus numerous passive agressive closing of matches or non-responses after 1-2 dates
total number of times i was yelled at on email by someone i went out with once: 1 (um, this was really pleasant, let me tell you. i did keep the email though so i can occassionally remind myself that apparently i suck when i tell someone i have no chemistry with them).
total number of times someone i'd been out with numerous times disappeared on me: 3
total number of times one of the disappears re-emerged 6 weeks later: 1 (we're actually good friends now except when ambiguous text messages come into play)
total number of times a guy confronted me about our status and we both agreed we wanted to continue seeing each other: 2
total number of times above men suddenly were no longer a part of my life: 2
total number of times seemingly positive interactions ended and left me with a confused face: 3
current number of love interests: 3 (sort of)
number of said love interests that i met on dating website: 2
last date: Saturday night
next date: ?

all in all, the whole process left me more befuddled than before i began and as far as i can tell online dating somehow gives people permission to be crappier communicators and utilize weird crutches than meeting people in the real world. however, it did give me an excuse to get dolled up for someone many, many nights and i have more stories to tell than i ever imagined.

i'd say it was an experiement that did not yield the predicted results, but was successful nonetheless. will i do it again? the jury's still out.

pinball head

2008-04-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

my head is like a pinball machine this week with all these potential posts in my head. here are some ideas of posts that i may or may not ever get to actually writing:

emo jeans at the gym? 80s? or fashionable? all i know is that emo jeans are not a clown car
me as the commonality
things that make me smile (a follow-up to things that make me anxious)
spring, and why i love it
throwing fried chicken at concernts and other random acts of kindness
why i currently love portland (bet you never thought you'd hear me say that one)
weekend plans/ last weekend's update/ why you probably don't really ever want to date me
home improvement/ self improvement projects
underthings

let me know if any of these pique your interest, maybe i'll write a fan based post.

happy friday!

back in the saddle

2008-04-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

no sillies, not THAT saddle.

i used to run all the time, sometimes i was training for a marathon, sometimes i wasn't. mostly i was just clearing my head, breathing deeply (and fearing for my life on the pdx streets). sometimes i run on trails, sometimes on tracks, but mostly on roads.

sometime last summer (around the time of the demise of me and the man w/ the kiddo), i just stopped running. i told myself it was because i wasn't working towards anything anymore and that i just couldn't get it up for the run. maybe that was the case or maybe i didn't want to work things out in my mind for awhile. who knows...

when i flipped the calendar to 2008, i knew i wanted to start running again - my blood start pounding for the pavement and my muscles ached for the post-run burn; mostly my mind yearned for the rhythmic 1-2 of my feet claiming each step of mileage, the steady pace, the constant motion, running to the beat of my ipod or maybe my own head.

but then the great surgery of 08 surprised me and laid me out for a month and maybe a little bit scared me about my body. even after i was cleared to exercise, i was afraid to do anything too physical - afraid to lift weights or run or do much of anything other than walk. suddenly, my body with it's knee injuries and scars (all visible to me) had let me down a bit by failing internally where i can't really see what's going on. the last thing i wanted was to end up in that hospital again, for any reason. and so i stayed away. from the gym. from the weights. from my brand new, get your running life together running shoes.

yesterday, my head was in a teeny bit of a funny place - a fit of uncharacteristic honesty and vulnerability towards several people in my life left me feeling the need to pound the pavement. i knew i needed to get back on the road. so with out giving myself too much time to think, i strapped on my new kicks and took off on a 3-mile run, working things out as i went.

today, i'm sore but my head and heart feel lighter. my feet, my body are humming in anticipation of the next outing. hope this feeling lasts....

the date, non-date (and other delightful tidbits)

2008-04-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

i'm a blogging fiend this week! i don't think i have any readers left b/c i'm just as unreliable here as i am in real life, but in case you're still out there...

today's update is brought to you by the letters B and WTF. get your charts out, friends. this is an update on all the men in my life this week.

last night i went out with my friend (at least i think he's "my friend") the accountant soon to be known as WT (world traveler). accountant/ WT is doing amazing things with his life. in 2 weeks he'll be leaving his job to travel the world for 5 months! (my dream) he's going everywhere from africa to eastern AND western europe to russia to moab, utah. last night we had a date/non-date - it's unclear to me what WT's intentions are anytime that we hang out in non-group settings. last night over a couple beers and catch-up, i helped him plan his brother's bachelor party. ummm....?

on tuesday night, my adorable friend fast track (FT)/teef/etc cooked me dinner at his house. i have an interesting relationship with FT wherein, we pop into each other's lives every 6 weeks or so, hang out a few times and then promptly disappear. this has been going on for more than 7 months now, no idea what it means. tuesday night's encounter was strictly platonic even when we ended up down in his fab tv room watching beauty and the geek. me on the massage chair, FT curled up on his couch. a hug goodbye, a promise to call, another disappearance.

the hunter has unexpectedly disappeared from my life just when i decided i really wanted him in it. after a great date a couple weeks ago, the calling out of me on my stuff (we don't use foul language on this here site) and the hope of some fun times ahead, he's gone and disappeared on me. a planned date on sunday cancelled due to an unexpected friend crisis, a promise to call on monday (no call) and an unreturned text - it's hard to say if something bad has happened, he got spooked, he's disappeared or if he's giving me a dose of my own medicine. honestly, before i decided how i wanted him to be in my life, i could've cared less if he called me when promised or whenever. le sigh.

T's hanging around this week. we'll be having a musical encounter tomorrow. i'll be sure to report back on the giant! gold! watch! and will also be returning to my home (alone) immediately following the musical escapades.

the bright spot on this week is the fabulous emails from CO boy. the waiting for responses, the excitement when the "you've got mail" bit comes up, the smile that crosses my face when a random new tidbit is revealed. the emailing is easy...

and we're back to having a dating website here...knew you'd be thrilled. if i ever get around to settling down this will suddenly become a non-existent outlet.

things that make me anxious:

2008-04-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

not knowing if something has happened to you or if you just decided you didn't want to hang out with me anymore.
not knowing if i should call to find out.
sitting in the car for too long (you'll know i'm anxious when i start reading you every sign i pass).
having over 200 emails in my inbox.
knowing i need to send some 500 emails on any given day.
feeling spread too thin.
the space between too much alone time and not enough.
when you change or cancel plans on me at the last minute.
not remembering driving to work b/c i was so in my head.
knowing i have to give you feedback that i don't know how you'll take
changing my mind on big decisions
feeling like you left me out of your plans b/c i wasn't your right audience for whatever reason
the gigantic staples that i'm not strong enough to remove from the mechanism on the new table
that i'm about out of my face cream and don't have time (when stores are open) to get more
thinking about the possibility of always being alone
thinking about the possibility of being connected to one person for the rest of my life
thinking about the money still owed on my house, for my surgery, etc.
thinking that i will never move out of this house even though it was supposed to be a short term investment
thinking i may have to drive the beetle forever
calling someone for the first time (especially if it's a boy who i might like)
too much clutter in my house on my desk in my life
committing to vacations/ time off

(please note: this is merely a list, not actually how i am feeling - well except one or two at any given moment).

me. speechless.

2008-04-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

i don't actually have words right now to describe how wonderful my milestone b-day celebration was. even now, almost two days of coming off the fun/sugar/laughter high, i'm left without actual words. the notetaker, took some pretty detailed notes, so it might be worth hopping over to her blog for some highlights.

things i did come away with:

my girls carry a place in my heart that cannot be filled by anything or anyone else - i'm so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing women
laughter truly is the best medicine - 4 days of laughter puts you at overdose levels (but in a good way)
sometimes an all-day buzz, movies and trivia is enough to chalk the day up as a success
regardless of marital status, if you put a group of women in a small space for any period of time, the two Bs (boys and body image) will dominate the conversation
groups of city girls maybe don't so much belong in country bars
the ocean still soothes the soul

there are pictures and quotes and all sorts of things available, but i'll just carry this weekend in my heart.

wise words, from an apparently now wise woman...me.

weekend report

2008-03-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

so i can apparently only manage posts that involve lists these days.

a few random reflections/thoughts/observations from the weekend:

while out walking to meet some friends, i saw an attractive man carrying an ornate bird cage with no birds in it. for some reason, this snapshot completely caught my eye and i've been contemplating the picture ever since. what was that man doing with the bird cage? did he have a bunch of chirping friends that needed a new home? was his girlfriend or fiance into the bird cage decorating phenom? he didn't strike me as the type that would've chosen this on his own (and i'm clearly qualified to be making these types of judgements about people at busy intersections) so instead i'm left a little bit wishing i'd followed him so i could stop thinking about it.
i had never really given much thought to the idea of wine paired with cupcakes, but after a cupcake related sugar-high, i've decided i might indulge in this activity again soon.
crazy weather makes me tired. when it rains and snows and hails and sleets and suns all in the span of a few short hours, i mostly just feel tired b/c my body can't make up its mind about what its supposed to be doing.
a man who will call you out on all your bs and still want to hang out with you can be incredibly attactive, especially when there are fresh caught salmon steaks involved.
i spent some time yesterday w/ T. an interesting tidbit about T. he wears a very large watch with a gold dial so you can't miss it. this in and of itself is not that bizarre. however, i spent a good portion of the evening staring at the watch b/c it was so ginormous and it didn't work. i'm not sure what kind of show T was putting on, but if he ever wears that thing again i'll be asking.
an overactive social life makes for a tired girl. looking forward to a few days off work.

random tidbits

2008-03-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

just thought i utilize your friday time and regale you with some tidbits that are all things "the link".

um, maybe i mentioned, in ohsaymypreviouspost (ahem) that i was maybe taking a break from the dating. apparently i am a liar. a big fat liar, people. b/c um, i'm not. activities relating to men that have occurred this week:

twice randomly tried to meet up with my new friend T (in my defense i also wanted to support a new local establishment and since T lives appox. 2 ft. from my door {not really} it made sense in mind). for one reason or another didn't actually see T either time so we will be dating on sunday.
made plans with the hunter for saturday - my goal here (apparently) is to spend my bday weekend with people who don't actually know its my bday. b/c, um, that makes sense
turned the corner while driving home from work the other day and made crazy eye contact and smiled at the guy going the other direction. help me gods, what am i supposed to do with that tidbit?
was shamelessly hit on by my banker yesterday when trying to remedy an issue with my account. scary - this man has access to my financial information....again, what am i to do with that?
met one hairy scary last night while out with girl doctor.

HMPFH!!

in other news, just b/c i haven't embarrassed myself in front of the innernets lately, i'll leave you with this:

yesterday i wore jeans to work (i do this about once a week when clients and meetings permit). i was rocking this current pair of favorite jeans (ever since my other favorite jeans became un-work wearable due to a freak accident that left me with a hole in the right knee) and trotted around in my cute sweater all day.

last night as i'm getting ready to meet girl doctor, i take a quick peek at my rear in the mirror (you know, just in case i ran into T) and notice that there is a gigantic tear down the back of my pants. um, a tear! that i, um, had no idea was there and wore around work all day! seriously, how did this happen? normally when things rip you hear it and i haven't gained a ton of weight so it's not like these jeans were straining against my ass or anything...so seriously, what?!

if you're my work colleague and you caught a glimpse of this yesterday 1) i'm sorry, 2) shame on you for not telling me and 3) thank goodness for black under garments - maybe you thought it was shadow?

anywho, that's me in a nutshell.

turns out i do live in the real world

2008-03-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

i lived this last week as if i was in an episode of Sex and the City, maybe it's me channeling my inner SATC in excitement for the upcoming flick.

either way, it was fun while it lasted but no real person can sustain that sort of behavior....

or at least not me.

#####

working to behave like career-minded person...

it was good while it lasted...

2008-03-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

alternately titled "i'm quitting."

i've been thinking about this blog a bit lately and how it's really just turned into a recap of my dating life, mostly b/c that shizz is just funny. wonder if the fact that i find all of it to be humorous has anything to do with the fact that i'm single?

i started the online dating thing as a way to meet people last fall. oh, i've met people alright - somewhere in the ballpark of 350-400. the experience has more than paid for itself in both good and bad dates, blog fodder, crushes, etc. i've known for awhile we need to "take a break" or call it "over". and am just waiting for the latest payment period to run out.

i just checked my site for the first time in a week or more and two things made me laugh out loud.

1) a match with someone named "swade"
2) a guy who wants to communicate with me who made this statement in his profile "I have always wanted to explore hot springs with the woman I love."

i just spent 5 mins laughing at those two things which, funny as they are to me, is not really fair to either of these two fellas. so as i said, it was good while it lasted. thank goodness it's almost over.

now....i'll just have to think of something else to fill these pages with.

so funny...

2008-03-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

this literally made me laugh out loud!

my friend's dog is having expensive surgery and the dog's trying to raise money to pay for it. it's worth $5 just for how much i chuckled in my chair.

oh no

2008-03-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

i was just totally that girl, the one i always complain about.

i just walked into the same ladies room i've been using all week - never been another person in there once since i've been there. it's a big one w/ eight or nine stalls but on day one i found the one i like.

just now i strolled in only to realize after i'd already started my business that someone was in the stall next to me. in that huge restroom, i just used the stall next to someone else! eek! sorry world.

pimped out...

2008-03-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

not as in set up with the bling, i'm talking about me. being pimped out. by my pimp of a boss.

on her way down to our work trip this week, she met a man on her plane and decided he was perfect for me. i now hold, in my hand, copy of said prince's business card and a promise that i'll email to introduce myself.

hmmm, i'll keep you posted.

beginnings and endings...?

2008-03-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

i've seen both in my brief return to portland this week.

beginnings: on my way to the airport in las vegas, i was propositioned by my cab driver who, as it turns out, has a son just a couple years younger than me. he was looking for a sugar mama (his words not mine) and when i told him that i was neither rich nor interested, he gave me some great tips on places to go in vegas if you want to get away from everything vegas.

endings: sitting in the pdx airport this morning, the guy next to me gets on the phone. i wasn't really listening to his conversation until he started in with something along the lines of "well then i guess i won't be calling you anymore - good luck with your life." in my mind, this guy just did the classic online dating follow-up and was told that his lady friend wasn't interested. one of the most interesting things about the dating are the endings. it's complicated to end something that never really began...

i'm traveling for a week, but will be sure to update if anything interesting happens.

something rad about my job...

2008-03-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

sitting at a conference with about 1 million tech geeks (sorry if you're one of them) and listening to them rock out like they've never rocked out before on the xbox game, rock band.

it's like karaoke gone wild!

lovin it.

patsy cline kind of morning

2008-03-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

completed the 3/3/6 in more like a 3/3/18

things that suck:

having the one boy that you actually liked break up with you over email. "i love talking to you and you may be the one person in the world who actually understands me, but i don't think that's enough to build on."

things that suck more:

responding to said boy's break-up mail in a real and honest way, having your computer crash and only sending part of the email so having to resend email with a note at the top explaining why there are two. awkward.

thank goodness for patsy.

a little bit less of me

2008-02-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

me, last week. i spent a little bit of unexpected time in the ER and hospital resulting in emergency surgery. (in case you were wondering why i disappeared on you once again).

my excuse this time is legit, you can't make this stuff up.

it did however, interfere with the end of the 3/3/6 so things have been rescheduled for this week now that i'm sort of back in the game.

i'll keep you posted.

in the meantime, know i'm fine, i will live and i feel better every day.

2/2/3

2008-02-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

otherwise known as 3/3/6 progress.

two downers down, one upper to go.

one of my very dear friends always reminds me that dating is a numbers game. and dating in numbers i am.

highlights (and lowlights) of the 2/2/3:

date #1 (we'll call him hunter) is just that - a hunter. um...i live in the pacific nw and channel my inner hippie whenever possible. i'm not so in to the killing of animals with a gun. heck, i've never even shot a gun and some of you might remember that was a huge issue with the sheriff.

the hunter doesn't just manly, twice a year hunt, he's a once a week kinda guy

i may have suggested that he wear a kilt and re-enact braveheart on his next goose hunting expedition

he may or may not have thought that i was being mean, but also funny

the hunter does, however, have a current job that i find fascintating

i can almost promise i will see him once more just for a private tour

and now for some tips for #2:

if i'm hanging out with you on a sunday afternoon, it's probably best to look like you're enjoying a sunny pdx day not like you just came from your accounting job (which you don't even have)

speaking of, please stop wearing pleated khakis - they're not flattering on anyone

and also, could you maybe try a little harder to not look like you're 50? there's only a 6 year age difference between us, but i'm pretty sure the wait staff thought i was having lunch with my dad

when i end the date by flippantly saying "good luck with your painting", don't open the door and ask if i want to hang out again. it forces me to be nice to your face only to have to tell you that i'm not interested later this week.

i probably won't update you on #3, unless it goes really bad b/c he....he's pretty good.

#####

in other news, little ms. notetaker gave me some special honor on her bloggie the other day. i was really excited, but actually had to call to ask what to do with it. she and i both think i'm supposed to post it here so here it is and to share the love, if she'll allow the linkage (and we're not talking me), i'd like to pass it to rosie. rosie, you let me know if you can handle this.

happy monday, here's to a week in numbers...

3/3/6

2008-02-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

3 dates with 3 different men over the course of the next 6 days.

i haven't done this in awhile, but the dating crazy is back.

readers, you're in for a special treat next week.

oh and happy vd for those of you who believe in that stuff.

seriously?

2008-02-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

i'm mostly posting here today/ this week to move some things off this landing page.

#####

now for the real post.

i went to the gym on monday night for the first time in almost a month. i didn't want to go (but knew i would feel better if i did). it was my only free night in the last two weeks and the only one on the horizon. i secretly wanted to use that one night to go home and curl up on my couch and hide from the world - the emails, the unknown, etc. instead, i went to the gym.

completely enjoyed myself. got some nervous energy out. maybe did some work on the little extra belly bulge i'd love to have disappear. and then...then i went back into the locker room to gather up my things and head home for dinner. except for the part where i came around the corner in the locker room and some woman, completely oblivious to my entry, was picking at her feet - the blisters, the dry parts, the....and for some reason i thought i was going to throw up.

i don't care what you do in your home, we all do things inside our personal spaces that are acceptable there, but not acceptable in public. i think picking your blisters and throwing your dead skin on the floor is one of them. um, yuck!

maybe if i'd been in a different frame of mind, a different stress level i would've ignored her - instead, i bit my tongue, glared at her, made a big scene of getting my stuff out of my locker and huffed out.

b/c seriously, i don't need to see a stanger's dead skin on the floor of my gym on a monday night - that's just nasty.

hey you...

2008-02-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

do you think you could shut the f"*& up?

my mantra for the last few days. i think i'm getting old (i mean my big b-day is looming and all). but suddenly all this other "noise" is really grating on me.

i met a friend for lunch on friday. the waitress (at this place you call them waitresses still), victoria, was talking so freaking loud to some other diners that i missed half of my time with my friend. everytime we started a new conversation, victoria's nails-on-chalkboard voice would cut through and we'd end up laughing about how distracted we were.

things i learned:

victoria texts - she received a text message from her daughter while we were there and read it out loud
every other diner's lunch order - victoria calls them down to both the kitchen and the bar
that sam wasn't in - victoria had a 5 minute conversation, with a caller, about how sam may usually be in but he hasn't been lately and especially not today
the reasoning behind the new restaurant hours
how excited victoria is for st. patrick's day - i realize this is a little bit off, but she was really concerned about whether or not they would be busy. my advice (and v's) make your reservations now

things i did not learn:

anything about my friend's current life situation - they were constantly interuppted
why victoria talks so loud
anything about anyone else in the restaurant (except for my speculation about the weird guy in the corner), v doesn't let anyone else talk
that v knows she's loud - she apologized as we left

on saturday, i went out to dinner with some other friends and spent the entire meal whining about how i couldn't hear them well enough to have a decent conversation. v wasn't there, but the amount of people in that small room had me cupping my ear and saying "huh?" for the entire night.

apparently, i am getting old and crochety and i don't like all this noise.

#####

on a side note, this week i only need water wings not a full-on flotation device. things are definitely looking up.

now, if you would just shut up....

hanging by a thread

2008-02-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

i'm hanging by a thread this week, perpetually one strong word or two minutes from bursting in to tears. anxiety attacks that have been gone for almost 6 months are raging just below the surface.

a deep breath is all i can muster before turning back to my computer and addressing the giant to-do list. i'm sweating just writing this.

and my personal life? well the thread holding that together apparently already broke.

i'll be back when i have sunshine and roses to report.

a little bit sassy...

2008-02-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

a friend just called and mentioned how sassy i am today. i'm feeling better. i finally purchased my new dining room furniture, i'm taking the afternoon off work, i pulled some of my eggs out the basket they were in, things are lookin up.

either that or the vitamin d supplement i'm taking is kicking in. either way, it's friday - enjoy it!

oops, it was an accident. i swear.

2008-01-30T12:10:00.001-08:00

i tried to poison my house guests the other night. it was an accident, i promise.

you see, sometimes i do dumb stuff, make mistakes, you know drop or spill things. this is kind of like that.

(Side note: my space bar is malfunctioning so i keep having to go back and fix it. it's annoying.)

anyway, here's how it goes:

i have a smoke alarm that doesn't like the steam from the bathroom, much less things like a potato baking in the oven or god forbid, the searing of a flank steak so it never shocks me when it goes off. in fact, before my house guests arrived the other day i just plain took it down. you know, safety first and all...

so, a little background...the last few times i've baked something in my oven it has smelled a little bit funny, but i don't use my oven that often (i'm more of a stove top cooking girl) so i just really figured it was lack of use - didn't think a thing of it. oh, and when the smoke alarm kept going off? well that's just typical.

fast forward to girls night: i'm cooking all these apps and yummies in the oven, just in time for their arrival, the oven's smelling super funny but that's normal so i open the window, turn on the fan, light a candle and apologize when they arrive. no biggie. they eat all the food, drink all the wine, it's a good girls night.

it's only when i'm cleaning up that i realize my grave error. this summer i got some new bbq tools for my bbq. for a long time they just sat on my stovetop when i wasn't using them b/c they don't fit anywhere, but when fall came and i stopped bbqing as much i knew they had to find a home. so, i threw them in the drawer under the oven where things like my cast iron pans and whatnot live.

after the girls leave, i handwash some dishes and get ready to put away the baking sheets in the above mentioned "drawer". imagine my surprise when i open it up to find that all of the handles on my bbq utensils have melted and my even greater surprise when i get down to the bottom of the drawer where it clearly states "do not use for storage". oops and oops.

well at least we know why it smells funny. AND thankfully my guests didn't die from toxic fume inhalation.

lesson learned.

what i got...

2008-01-29T09:00:00.001-08:00

nothing.

i'm feeling a bit blah today. my tummy hurts from eating food i'm not accustomed to with the girls last night. maybe i laughed too much over the weekend - don't know. is this a bad thing? no. but a reality nonetheless - don't get to laugh until my cheeks hurt very often; reminiscing about all the crazy things i've done.

those that i want to call, don't call often enough (which is really only in my head). those that i do not want to call, seem to appear at the wrong times. in fact, why do they continue to appear at all?

work makes me tired, class makes me tired, the magazines are piling up - oh wait?! the newspapers? they're piling up too. i want to read, to immerse myself in those things. i kind of want to cuddle up, no i do want to cuddle up, in the bed with the giant windows overlooking the city. maybe i can read my wall st. journal there.

it's foggy. it's cold. it's raining. it's snowing. can't i just stay under the covers? maybe make tomorrow today?

nope. work calls, life calls, "you're too focused", "you take work too seriously". vacation? who takes vacation? where would i go anyway?

the gym. i actually like that place. i like the way i feel when i leave, how my legs and arms get more defined the longer i lift weights. i hate that to go today i would've had to have gotten up at 5am. i didn't and i won't tomorrow either or the next day for that matter. because i won't go, i will feel gross, suddenly overly aware of my body, my faults. i'll start to wonder if i'm just a giant blob that no one wants. i'll consider reverting. to then, to that time. i won't.

instead, i'll climb all the way into my head. ponder choices, ponder money, ponder all things. then i'll take a deep breath (now) and continue to respond to the emails.

really, it's just another tuesday.

you guys are gonna love this one...

2008-01-22T18:12:00.000-08:00

a little story for you.

i'm traveling today and actually staying in one of the crappiest hotels i've ever stayed in for work travel (ick!) good thing it's only one night. (note: this is not the story)

i think a lot of you have met my girls. maybe you haven't met them intimately, but you know of them, have seen them out and about (not literally) but you know, they're kind of hard to miss. the girls normally don't get me into any kind of trouble other than needing to order a size up in a shirt b/c it won't button without pulling or maybe a cat call or two, but we took things to a new level today.

i had a layover today in the dallas/ft. worth airport. my plane had arrived on time, but there was no gate available for us so we sat on the tarmac for about 40 minutes. by the time we arrived at our gate, i had only about 20 minutes before boarding for my next flight - i hadn't eaten anything since 6AM pdx time and it was now 3:30PM local time. i was starving so i dashed into one of those crappy magazine food places and grabbed a sandwich and some chips. i have no idea what possessed me to grab cruncy cheetos (b/c um, i haven't eaten those things in years, but i did). i'm sitting by my gate waiting the 4 mins before they start loading me and this middle aged southern man begins to tell me about the horrible travel day he's had. i'm shoveling cheetos into my mouth (britney style) and carrying on a conversation with him. all is going well until a cheeto slips out of my hand and lands in my cleavage just out of view (but i can see it when i look down). now, i don't want to make this man feel uncomfortable (by trying to fish it out while talking) and i don't know if he saw it happen, but it's kind of itching. so i'm trying to continue our conversation and secretly am racking my brain, mortified, trying to figure out how i'm going to get this thing out. finally, the man gets called for an upgrade (thank god) and i reach down and fish the little cheeto out, silently mortified that i've almost embarrassed a nice southern man, i just got a cheeto out of my cleavage, and good god, a cheeto in your chest?

thank goodness the whole encounter only lasted a few minutes, but i'm still dying...

wonder if under different circumstances someone would've thought it was sexy and fished it out?

thoughts rattlin' in my head

2008-01-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

i'm still trying to get my life back together after being gone off and on quite a lot of the last month.

things i need to do include: unpack and put away two suitcases, clean my house (including the bathroom), make something with all the delicious food in my fridge, catch up with friends and family, respond to all of your emails sitting in my inbox, do my actual work, pet the cat, have some fun, maybe just drink wine.

i'm leaving again on tuesday (so really why bother with the above?) i also have no idea why the formatting is all f'd up right here. sorry if this makes you want to poke your eyes out with dull pencils b/c it kind of does me.
last night in my class i encountered the guy who i thought died after high school or at least college, the guy who's always the first to finish the exam and makes a big deal about it and you don't know if he aced it or totally screwed up. it's clear these people never go away, even when i hoped that they would. i'll update you on this guy next week, he's new and he's not going anywhere.
i'm still a total klutz (i know this is not news to you.). current example: monday night date night. i'm excitedly showing my date a picture i'm about to share with you and somehow manage to spill an entire beer on the table (note: it was my first beer). my date laughs, says it's okay it's so you, grabs a rag from the bartender and cleans up my mess. he still kisses me goodnight - keeper?

i'm still relishing in that kiss and the suite i stayed in last week. (to take a phrase from camel) le sigh.

PS - i don't know why this picture is so small, it hardly does it justice. my computer is kind of a piece right now and i have no patience to figure it out. hopefully, you can get the gist.

this couldn't wait

2008-01-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

i just checked my email, my anonymous email, the one i use for the dating. the one i use so that the people don't know my last name so they don't hunt me down. if i like you, you have my personal email for my personal stuff - the one that has a first and last name and you probably don't even know about the other email. unless, of course, you've been upgraded. if you don't get the first and last name email from the get go it's a pretty sure sign that you're never going to be upgraded, but then again i guess you don't know that.

anyway, i just checked my email. the guy from the "cats as creatures" story just emailed me. started off with the phrase "hey, good looking". ended with suggesting a day in the snow sometime soon. apparently he and i were not on the same date.

can i ask, dear innernets, what on earth makes men feel compelled to write things like that after i've been out with you just one time?! you seem a bit to comfy in something that was over before it began.

this isn't the first time this has happened, i'm guessing it won't be the last.

if i liked you, i'd probably be flattered, but as it stands i'm mostly annoyed.

hmphf!!!

a little break

2008-01-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

hi all and happy new year.

i've been taking a little break to celebrate the holidays and also to be very, very sick. i'm back now, but just for a moment - a work trip calls in just 2 short days.

i'll do my best to check in while i'm away, but if not i'll share all the holiday and new year cheer when i return.

details

2007-12-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

signs that last night's date is probably not your match:

when he first mentions he lives with a roommate, your first thought is OMG! this man is 30-something and still lives w/ a roommate in a town where rentals are affordable
the situation continues to worsen b/c he starts talking about said roommate's cats referring to them as "creatures" he wants to kick. when you mention that you, too, have a cat he talks about how much he likes animals including cats
the connection is so weak that you run out of things to talk about over dinner so bring up the fact that humans carry staph bacteria under their fingernails

needless to say we won't be seeing that one again.

happy friday!

evidence that i'm still a klutz

2007-12-19T08:37:00.000-08:00

last night, while out on a date with someone who is well aware of my history of falling and making a complete fool of my myself, i somehow managed to spill half a beer down the front of my sweater and pants. this was good beer, people! how does this happen?

thankfully, my date handled the situation very gracefully, acted like he didn't see it and mentioned that given my history he wasn't surprised that something like this had happened. he then offered to get me a napkin.

if that's not modern day chivalry, link style, then i don't know what is.

things are looking up...

2007-12-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

focusing on the positive side of travel:

1) the hotel room i stayed in last night is bigger than my entire house and has not one, but two flat screen tvs. (my house has approximately zero)

2) getting to try restaurants and foods that my normally meager social budget could never fund.

3) leaving rainy pdx, to pull into chilly but sunny vegas on a sunday night (also knowing i'll still sleep in my own bed tonight)

4) for the first time in ages, someone besides my mom (and you few readers out there) actually cares that i'm gone and when i'm coming home.

5) my hotel room had one of those positively skinny mirrors where i looked like a size 0 instead of the slightly larger than 0 girl i am. can i get one of those installed in my house tomorrow?

hmmm, monday indeed.

why i should probably have just one

2007-12-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

man, that is. in my life.

dear innernets,

in case you didn't know, i've been dating multiple people for awhile now. on most days, it's fun. on some days it freaks me out. i mean, what if, at some point, i actually have to make a choice about one of these people?

anywho, i've only dated more than one person (for any period of time) at one other point in my life and the outcome was disasterous mostly b/c i couldn't remember who i'd done what with and which conversation had been had with whom. in the end i chose one and if i remember correctly dated him for quite some time after that.

which brings us to now. this weekend, i went out with a man that i've seen quite a few times (in the spirit of full-disclosure, all of them know there are others) and i may have accidentally thought i had a conversation with this man that i actually had with another man a week ago. and this man, may or may not have called me on it, and i may or may not have been extremely embarrassed and completely skimmed over the whole thing only to wake up on sunday morning laughing and a little not-laughing at myself.

yes, innernets, i apparently have no game. i should probably just stick to one at a time.

thanks for reminding me.

xo, the link

what i have to choose from

2007-12-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

recap of an incident wherein i was (once again) reminded about the selection (or lack thereof) of men available to me:

scene: last night at the gym, me stretching post work-out, dorky guy (dg) next to me working out with cute lady trainer (clt)

CLT: "DG! Get it together tonight, why are you so distracted today? Do you need me to pretend to be an episode of Star Trek to get you to pay attention to our training session?"

DG (overly excited): "OMG! Speaking of Star Trek...there's this episode called X (ed note: he actually said the name of the episode), it's episode 15 in Season 2 (ed note: i caught this part) and it's all about how you should deal with difficult situations. So yesterday, I used those techniques in talking with my boss."

CLT: .... (ed note: crickets chirping)

Me (in my head): holy sh*t, if this is what men are using to address social situations, i'm never going to find my person.

happy friday! i'll regale you with new tales another day.

a list

2007-12-04T12:25:00.001-08:00

things that have been uttered, texted, or emailed to me in the last week by a man i'm just not that in to (spelling and grammar his, not mine):

"i'll be right back, i have to go potty"
"call me at 10 and sing me a lullaby"
"hey sexy girl had fun lastnight call me"
"Si si madamuaseille"
"Hope ya made it to work in the love bug, ha ha ha your car is cute too."
"give me a toot."
"You are such a hotness. "

i know, i know completely unfair for me to air it here but some of that is damn funny. anyway, i stomached it for as long as i could but now i'm going to have to break up with him. apparently, by opening the door a teeny tiny crack, this guy decide to shove it all the way open. seriously, up until a week ago this guy was nice and wrote normal emails.

snippets

2007-12-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

holy cow it's already december. this kind of scares me, mostly because i sort of missed november.
it is pouring down rain in pdx right now and outside of my house an old steamer trunk appeared over the weekend. it's just sitting there, on the median, waiting for something. sometimes over the past couple days its lid has been open, sometimes closed. i'm wondering how it got there and what it's waiting for. if the rain continues, maybe it will take itself on some sort of floating trip.
knowing someone who has lived in a yurt is going to be great fodder for one of those get to know you bingo games in the future
my attraction to you is directly proportionate to my ability to stomach random and somewhat suggestive texts from you. i'm still deciding if you're attractive enough to pull that off. in the meantime, please stop. it's kind of freaking me out.
putting all your cards on the table after a few beers can be both liberating and scary, especially when you tell me that i'm great and attractive and funny AFTER you've had time to think about everything i've said.
sometimes several glasses of wine, the movie elf and some girl time can solve the problems of the world
i think the mirror in my bathroom at work is more flattering that the one in my house. i thought i looked a bit thick when i left this morning, but just now thought that i was maybe okay.

i said i would, but i didn't

2007-11-29T14:23:00.001-08:00

i promised to write something while i was readjusting to the old u-s-of-a, but i couldn't bring myself to think that much while i was sleeping and reading and working on my house.

i promise something is forthcoming, but for now...

i'm sorry,
i can't,
don't hate me.

72 hours

2007-11-13T00:52:00.000-08:00

i shot up in my bed at 5AM barcelona time with a smile on my face - 72 hours until i'll be in my portland bed.

it's been a great run, but i'm ready for it to be over. i might lock my door and snuggle in my house until december.

but i promise to post at least once, i've got a funny story to share.

see you stateside....

a working girl in london

2007-11-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

a few things to note about actually working in london:

last night i got to have a true working london experience wherein i went out to the local pub for drinks with my co-workers. i learned today that the pub has been open since the 1300s and the city is threatening to shut it down so locals are signing an online petition.
in said pub, if i even set my drink down for a moment they would take it away from me - i lost 3 3/4 full beers this way.
i went with two colleagues around the corner to have take out burgers. trying to be healthy, i ordered a chicken burger (if for nothing else than to get away from beef for a moment), when i opened it up, it was a friend chicken burger, completely negating my one healthy choice!
many of my colleagues in this office are two finger typers - is it just me or is that weird?

foreign soda

2007-11-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

i'm in london now, having arrived yesterday to work with my colleagues in this office for a few days. i'm pretty much in love with them and have already asked them if i can stay.

but there's one teeny tiny problem - the sodas. the sodas here are stored in a vending machine. you order them by number but don't pay.

2 issues w/ vending machine sodas in london:

1) they come out kind of shaken up so "mind the spray"
2) for some reason when you drink out of them you kind of get the distinct smell of dirty gym sock feet, not so good.

crisp update, day 2

2007-11-06T05:53:00.001-08:00

today i tried prawn cocktail crisps - they are quite delicious with not even a hint of prawn. i'd strongly recommend, more like sea salt and vinegar than prawn cocktail. even better than chicken chips. yum!

reflections

2007-11-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

stream of consciousness resulting from too much time in my head...

confession: i think i should've married the first guy who was going to ask me (nearly 8 years ago now).

in this year of travel (i've spent over 1/4 of this calendar year away from my home, no wonder i feel as though i'm no longer living my life), i've had countless hours of time to reflect on my life the choices i've made and where i've landed.

i'm not really sure why i've ended up where i have. i mean, obviously, it all points back to the choices i've made and at the end of the day all points to my biggest fear, losing my independence and sense of self. but essentially in all this managing and changing and pushing people away, i've managed to lose myself anyway.

so here i am, pushing 30, both young and old at the same time, with nothing to show for myself but hundreds of thousands of frequent flyer miles, lots of men in my past and lots o' shoes. not really who i wanted to be.

sure, if i'd chosen to marry that man, i'd probably have the white picket fence and 2.5 children right now, but i also just might have a partner who shared most of my interests, was willing to try new things, and loved me enough to look past all of my fatal flaws - at least until they were the death to our relationship. and maybe, maybe i didn't have to feel the pressure to get pregnant immediately, and maybe if i'd just said it, he would've respected my decision to not be ready to get married at 22. maybe we could've been great, but when i figured out the ring was coming, i felt trapped and twisted and squirmed until i got out and said goodbye.

since then, i've had a string of ambitious jobs, overall crappy and unfilling relationships with many men that i thought i loved and maybe wanted to love but didn't. i'm not even sure if i loved mr. marry me. in fact, who knows if i even know how to love, i've started to think that maybe that's my issue, that i am 100% incapable of loving anyone but myself. gosh, what an attractive trait (not).

i've spent the last year not living my life and feeling as if i might end up alone, as if that might be my penance for all the things and people that have hurt me and that i've hurt in my life.

not really the way i want to live...

tastes like chicken...

2007-11-05T08:53:00.001-08:00

i just had a bag of roasted chicken flavored crisps (that's chips for those of you in the US). i thought they would be nasty, but were suprisingly tasty with only a hint of chicken.

don't know if we'll ever see these in the states...

notes from the road: barcelona

2007-11-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

after 20 some odd hours of traveling, i arrived in barcelona early yesterday morning, local time. i'm here for a couple of events but will be detouring to london later this week. i'm hoping to be in my house in time for thanksgiving.

i'm currently sitting in a lime green conference center where they are piping in ambient techno music 24 hours a day (it's quite strange at 7AM). most interesting is to watch the people around you. a conference buddy and i (someone i see on the road a lot) keep laughing b/c we'll suddenly catch ourselves completely distracted bobbing our heads or tapping our pant legs in time with the music. it's an unusual event for sure.

in other news, highlights of my trip so far include:

a truly princess di moment in a taxi cab yesterday - if i'm ever to die in a firey taxi cab crash it will be here, in barcelona.
a delicious dinner at pla - last night. gastro-porn, for sure.
seeing carmindy in the bathroom at the newark airport. don't worry, it wasn't under some unusual senatorial, foot tapping, toilet paper confusion (wrong airport, i know, but i still wondered) but when i looked up and realized who was washing her hands next to me, i nearly squealed - a celeb siting to me for sure.

i'll give you some other updates from this trip as soon as i have more to say.

UPDATE:

2 things:

1) the so called paper towels in the restrooms are the consistency of kleenex which makes for kind of messy hand drying.

2) i just ate the "vegetarian fajitas" for lunch. they were actually black bean burritos covered with tomato sauce. hmmm? i prefer all the delcious carpaccio i've been eating.

and another...an attractive spanish man, driving a cart of fresh croissants just winked at me...le sigh.

copenhagen in lists

2007-10-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

to be updated throughout the remainder of my trip:

likes:

the convention center has natural light
hot danish men
loads of fresh fish and lox
the delicious steak i had for dinner last night
my hired driver with a mohawk
one night of full sleep
beautiful architecture
the hope of freedom from work on thursday
the fancy soaps at the hotel (you might get them if you're my next house guest)
giant towels with little hooks to hang them up
the brisk cold air
funny little coffee machines that actually make decent coffee

dislikes:

my lack of comfort in the euro shower (that floor is soaked every day)
the weak dollar makes everything extra expensive
the toilet paper is not at all soft and instead causes chaffing
getting lost with my mohawked driver
spending most parts of most nights watching movies on my computer
my funny closet that's really not a closet

wherein i discuss things like travel and other personal items

2007-10-21T06:38:00.000-07:00

started days ago, posting now just so you'll know my story...(it's not complete)

i'm here. in copenhagen. after having slept only 1.5 hours on the way over here, i've made the easiest tranistion to the european time zone ever. an early dinner and 12 straight hours of sleep allowed me to wake up feeling halfway normal. an hour long work out and some breakfast and i feel pretty good about being here. hmmm, ask me in 4 hours how i'm really feeling.

STALKER ALERT: two days before my departure, i got the (you'll think exciting, but i think ugh, another trip) news that i will come home for a mere 5 days before departing to barcelona for work again. so basically, i'll be somewhere other than the great pdx until sometime in mid-november. if you need me, email. if you're stalking me, my place is empty except the attack cat oh, and the cat sitter.

at any rate, you might see a few blogs while i'm here (i'm anticipating having some random downtime allowing to blog at times like 2am pst).

in other news i've been dating: teef, and RR, and a few others. they all have code names. how else can you and i keep them straight?

i've been stood up, disappointed, bored out of my mind, overwhelmed by how much fun i've had, etc. all by the various dates i've been on. we'll see where it leads...i'm just hoping to have a date for company holiday party. c'mon...

sassy outfit raises eyebrows

2007-10-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

last night while getting ready for bed, i picked out my outfit for today - i knew before i went to be last night that my outfit was going to be smoking hot.

a black pencil skirt, a slate gray silk shirt, a wide belt showing off my new svelte figure, stilettos and some textured tights - this complete with the long hair i now have and some great earrings - i left my house feeling great for the first time in months.

imagine that, me feeling good about myself. i've actually been having a great couple weeks, pounds dropping, new friends, new men, new life. fall breathes life for me, it always does.

my co-workers are a little flustered with my look today - i've gotten a lot of questions about wow, you look good or why are you dressed up or....

here's the thing, folks. i look good today for me, to remind myself that i can be hot and beautiful and a little bit mean girl (right up to the point where i trip and fall).

it's just a little bit tuesday...

events season

2007-10-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

alternately titled, i might not be around for awhile...

i'm running a million miles an hour trying to finalize plans and see all the people i want to see and re-arrange my bedroom according to my new bedroom set all before i leave the country for 10 days on friday.

if you're missing me, i'm sorry, but i won't be around for awhile - work calls.

work's call is coming at a horrible time when there are a few things i'm afraid to walk away from here. i know my life and my world is always dictated by my internal timeline and though i've been open about this with people i know, at this moment, i don't want to have i'm leaving hanging over both of our heads. hopefully, i'm leaving translates to i'm back.

so, in case you're wondering, i'll try to check-in again when i return at the end of the month.

it's part of the package deal

2007-10-04T09:39:00.001-07:00

on monday night i was chatting (for the first time via phone) with a potential new suitor. admittedly, i'm a horrible phone talker and was multi-tasking at the time - driving, parking, it was raining, removing items from my trunk, opening my umbrella, etc., but mid-conversation, i dropped my cell phone and it consequently shattered rendering continued conversation impossible. i yelled a few obscenities mostly because i was getting soaked, i'd just unexpectedly ended a conversation rather abruptly and i had no way of calling this person back - i was pissed!

i ran into my house and quickly booted (does anyone still use this term, btw?) up the computer to shoot him a quick email letting him know what had happened and then chastised myself for my clumsiness (my email was titled first impressions and other things that aren't going very well). potential suitor (PS) was very gracious about the situation mentioning that he could still hear me after i'd gone away and calling back to make sure nothing bad had happened.

even though i was slightly mortified at the impression i had left, a few friends had the pleasure of laughing hysterically with me about this unfortunate outcome. but then one of them reminded me that really this is part of the link dating package - i am a klutz, i fall down all the time, i might occasionally over imbibe, i dance like a dork, etc.

so, PS and all others...this is just part of the deal. either you're in or you're not.

no excuses

2007-10-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

a guy i dated and i once had a conversation about time management. the gist of the conversation revolved around the limited amount of time we had together and why we consistently met up more in the late night time frame as a opposed to the more after-work time frame. we both sort of realized that it was difficult to get together earlier than that if we wanted to maintain some semblance of our pre-each other lives. i believe his exact words may have been "you know how it goes, you leave work and try to go to they gym and get home and cook some dinner and throw in a load of laundry and suddenly it's 9PM."

at the time these words were a little frustrating for me b/c i'd been working to alter my schedule slightly to make more room in my life for him, but these days i'm definitely back in that mode.

in the last week or so, i've noticed that i have not once eaten dinner before 8:30PM. by the time i leave work and fight traffic, get a decent work-out in at the gym, and drive home it's usually creeping up on 8 o'clock. then i snarf down some meal, do some after hours personal emailing and maybe catch up on my netflix. i need to be getting to sleep by 10:30, but haven't been crawling into bed before 11. it makes for rough mornings and little time for anyone but myself. a few stacks of this weekend's laundry still sit folded on my table, waiting to be put away.

i'm trying to branch out in so many ways, but that requires changing my priorities and i'm not sure i'm quite ready to do it. so friends and family remain uncalled or emailed, movies remain unwatched, blogs remain unupdated and i feel more than scattered.

maybe i need a new lesson in time management or i should start dating that guy again b/c for now, i can only afford a post 9PM relationship.

nesting instinct

2007-09-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

i love fall and the fall weather. it's also nice because it always sort of helps me kick my nesting instinct into high gear. this weekend i got to wear JEANS!!! and SWEATERS!!! and i loved it. i almost considered putting the winter blanket on the bed, but refrained since i know i'll be pissed later this week when i'm sweating in my pjs b/c i jumped the gun with the blanket.

instead, i spent the weekend drinking red wine, watching football and cooking. i curled up on my couch with my warm throw and read some of my book while the smell of fresh zucchini bread wafted from the kitchen.

i stopped caring that some little white somethings have infected two of my flower pots b/c really, who cares? it's fall and those plants will die for winter anyway. i thought about getting in that last summer bike ride (but didn't) and instead went to bed early (it's so dark now) and woke up late.

i love fall! it'll soon be warm again, but just the glimpse has me yearning for more. good things are to come in this fall - i'm looking forward to them.

goooooood morning

2007-09-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

you can always tell your day's going to take a turn for the worse when you're just starting to shift from complete deep slumber to enjoy those last few moments of bed snuggle time and you are jolted awake by the sound and smell of your cat puking just inches from your face.

for the record, this has actually never happened to me before but when it occurred this morning, i just knew today was not going to be a good one.

i always get them confused anyway

2007-09-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

labor day/ memorial day. i always get them confused. every time one of these three day weekend holidays comes around i have to pause for a moment before opening my mouth to confirm (in my head) which holiday it is. for some reason i cannot keep the two straight which may explain my melancholy mood this weekend.

you would've thought it had been memorial day the way that i mourned the loss of all things over the weekend - mostly relationships and friendships and people i miss. the holidays represent the begininning and end of summer to me so maybe i'm just mourning the passing of another season, but when i spend the weekend among friends (old and new) and spend the entire time thinking that maybe i should've worked harder at relationships i've lost, it turns makes for a very laborious memorial day.

hmmm...no wonder i'm always confused.

#####

in other news, i brought home a seven pound zucchini from a friend's garden last night. it's currently in my kitchen occupying its own chair. ps - it also doubles as a cricket bat.

2 things

2007-08-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

1) having pink flowy pompoms hanging off the handlebars of your bicycle does not make you a girl. i know many men who sport those just for jest.

2) is there a reason you put on the giant fireworks show in my neighborhood at 10:30pm? i thought the 4ht of july was a couple months ago.

the bbq

2007-08-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

my single, career driven, adult female life can definitely get lonely and i imagine (as much as it pains me to say it) that there will come a day (probably in the nearer than i wish future) where i will have to make some decisions determining which of those adjectives is most important to me in my description. (either that or we can all hope that my saturn has not yet returned and that everything will sort itself out. either way...)

the point is, i rarely have complete moments when i absolutely abhor being single. sure i miss having that one person to talk to at night or do anything with or someone who knows me better than anyone else, but i also enjoy being the only person i answer to, having no interruptions to my saturday morning routine, not having to run decorating or money things by anyone else, etc., etc. that is, unless the dreaded office related bbq comes into play.

i was just invited to the obligatory labor day weekend work bbq and while i adore the people (individually) who will be there, it's literally my single girl kryptonite. i will be, with out a doubt, the only person who does not have a partner and/or children or both at this function. and the worst part about it? i no longer live in seattle, so i don't even have the guy friends who will attend these things as my date.

it's four days away and already i'm dreading it. looks like i have four days to find someone, anyone who will be a suitable psuedo so i can show up as anything but alone.

some days singledom is quite difficult...

another one bites the dust

2007-08-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

i think i just broke up with someone. i mean, in the end, i don't think i was even seeing him (if i ever was).

at one point i said something to the effect of "i want you in my life, but if you don't feel the same way i hope you have the courage and the courtesy to tell me so." shortly thereafter he stopped taking/ returning my calls so although courage and courtesy were lacking i think the message was clear.

regardless, i would've hoped for an amicable ending (i like things to be neat and tidy in that way) and had merely left a few messages trying to arrange to retrieve some items that had been left behind. finally, i just really needed to be done and left a very directive message with options. i came home last night to my things under my doormat, no note, no nothing, the end. things on my deck were askew leading me to believe that he must've wondered a little bit, but not enough to actually check on me. i texted him to say thanks for dropping my things by (i'm nice that way) and promptly nexted him. as i said, i guess i just broke up with someone.

in other news, i've been informed by TX Mama that i'm not the oldest single person (good news, i suppose) but that i need someone to pre-screen future dates. whatever happened to the right person will come along?

at any rate, another one has officially bitten the dust.

communication via blog? on hold

2007-08-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

i don't write on this thing anymore (not because i don't want to, i just don't). i have no less than four different posts started, but i just don't know where to go with them, how transparent i truly want to be so they sit in various stages of done.

i've been gone for most of july and part of august - visiting friends, ending and beginning relationships, enjoying the summer, working and the like. i'm here now; for the forseeable future (if by future you mean october).

promotions and deep cleaning and airing out my life. crushes and break-ups, laughter and tears, plus i've been trying to wrap up the very personal crisis that i've been working through since may. looks like september's on target to be a good month - it's about time.

so i'm here and this blog will be here and there's much more posting to come...i just have to decide what you all should know.

dusk summersong

2007-07-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

almost every night i walk in my neighborhood near dusk and i find the whole experience to be completely soothing and poetic, things i love:

lazy cats sitting on porches, enjoy the (finally) cool pavement
the sounds of people washing their dishes - one of my favorite summer sounds
exhausted swings barely swaying in giant trees; they've had a busy day playing with the out of school children
the smell of your fresh cut grass - you had to wait until it cooled down a bit to work in the yard
peeking at your windows, to see what you have on TV, how your living room is decorated or glimpses of your family involved in your evening family ritual
the sound of the screen door slamming, the last screams of children coming in from play
the smell of you barbecuing on your grill, the scent of your wilted roses
the sounds of amateur musicians plucking guitar strings on the porch or practicing the drums in the basement

during every one of these walks, i just smile to myself sometimes wistful for things i wish i had and hope to have some day, but often this time allows me to reflect on life and be thrilled for all that i have and bask in the dusk, the sights, smells and sounds.

TMI

2007-06-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

today while being held completely captive and having sharp objects digging around in my mouth at the dentist's, the hygienist told me all of the details of the kidney stone she's currently trying to pass.

nothing's worse than being strapped in a chair and have to nod while some shares something that makes you completely uncomfortable and is clearly tmi.

beside manner, people. work on it.

Amazonian. But in a good way.

2007-06-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

i finally understand how all of you, my tall friends, have felt around me, the shrimp, for the entire length of our friendship, relationship, whatev.

in the last two days i have felt positively amazonian on multiple occasions, towering over colleagues and co-workers in a way that i did not deem humanly possible for myself.

i mean, i know these are some smoking hot platform espadrilles, but c'mon! amazon?!

well on the bright side, i now know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes...

"honey, i can't leave the house without my hair dun..."

2007-06-18T08:34:00.001-07:00

i spent at least half of my drive to work this morning behind a woman with a full head of rollers in her hair.

i found it part endearing and part disturbing - i don't think she was really old enough for the curlers and frankly how was she going to manage that when she got to the office?

weighty issues

2007-06-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

i don't do much real talking about me on this site - there's not a real need to. i prefer to keep it to things i see or feel but i've been toying with this post for a long time now and a recent turn of events has this back on my mind in even fuller force.

i'm not a skinny girl, i prefer to be described as curvy. i will never be a skinny girl, believe me, i've tried. i've dabbled with eating disorders (like nearly every woman of my generation) multiple times in my life. amazing results, really. i've been shocked by the positive feedback i've received every time i've slimmed down to a size 2 or size 0, meanwhile i'm starving myself and no one seems to notice. it's no wonder we love these things (eating disorders), positive reinforcement for being positively unhealthy, way to go society, way to perpetuate a major issue. in fact, i'd probably be in some sort of wacky nicole richie state of affairs if it weren't for a great college boyfriend who once told me that if i lost one more pound he was checking me into a clinic PERIOD end of story. there are very few people who will call you out on your shit and make you listen and while we haven't dated in years this action probably explains why he is still someone i consider a dear friend some 10 years later.

currently, i need to lose some weight, it's true. all of my travel this year has allowed me to pack on about 7 pounds that i don't need on my 5'2" frame. 5 lbs on me, is enough to make me chunkier and curvier than i should be and i know it. i work out when i can, i eat healthy when i can and i will slim down when i can.

another thing i know about me...i'm not gorgeous, never will be. no one in my entire life will ever describe me as gorgeous, because frankly i'm not. cute yes, gorgeous, no. it's just not me. believe me, i want to me an 89 lb waify, gorgeous something but with this rack, it ain't gonna happen. let's just leave it at that.

i struggle with my weight each and every day of my life. i struggle with my looks each and every day of my life. every single day of my entire adult life, i have gotten up and criticized every single thing about my looks, weight, body, life, etc. it's literally part of who i am. it's definitely part of who i will always be. my body image issues have held me back from having many successful relationships and god knows what else in my life. i allow the mirror to completely deplete my ability to accept that i deserve something better. i know it and i still do it.

rarely do other people feed into my own issues and for that i am thankful. i have ex-friend who i used to call the first person to give the worst compliment, "oh link, sometimes i forget you can be pretty" was one of her best and most frequent lines. i think it was intended as a compliment, but never quite came out that way. she's an ex-friend b/c of many reasons, but obviously i don't need some to remind me that i'm apparently just not pretty enough. enough said.

these days, i sometimes hang out with a guy who initially intimidated the shit out of me b/c he is truly a beautiful man. i spent the first 5 or 6 times i hung out with him literally laughing my ass off b/c i honestly thought that there was no way that this person could want anything to do with a chunky little blondie like me. i built him up in my mind to be someone he was not, is not. we've all got our baggage, he's got his too and in the end it probably balances out. don't think i don't still wonder what the heck i'm doing hanging out with this guy - he should probably hang with some 23-year old skinny, not me.

women are incredibly catty people, i think all of us want something we cannot have and i think we sometimes say mean things out of jealousy or god knows what drives us to be evil, evil people but i try to save my friends from my criticism of other women. i want to be anyone i'm not. i think all of my girlfriends are beautiful in their own way and would never want them to feel that i didn't think so, but apparently they don't all feel the same for me. in telling a "friend" about above companion, she remarked that "you're lucky he is able to look past the physical, because you're cute and all, but...". but what? you think i'm some sort of fat ass, who doesn't deserve to date an attractive man? is that what you really think of me?

because if it is? i don't need it. and i don't need you. i spend enough of my days berating myself, i don't need your help. i'm doing the best i can to be the best that i can and if you can't support that, then i can no longer support our friendship.

this post has been brought to you by the words rant and the letters L and B.

"i'd like to check you for ticks." ???

2007-05-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

lyrics to a song i just heard on the radio.

endearing i suppose, but not really the pick-up line i'm dying to hear.

please refrain from suggesting this when you see me.

k? thanks.

the worst kind of alone

2007-05-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

just like everything that's in my head and my heart right now, i put myself here. into the complete aloneness. i have to be here right now, i have to figure out what to do next and how to fix what's broken, what's wrong. for the first time in my entire life, i'm choosing not to repeatedly discuss over and over with each and every one of you what i'm dealing with. instead, i'm closing you all off, shutting down until i can figure out what i should do, what i should say.

i'm fine. i'll be fine. because i have to be fine. i don't allow myself another choice. i'll make something work that will fix this and maybe i'll tell you about it one day but i probably won't.

for the record, my health is fine (knock on wood), no one has died and i still have my job.

i've been out and about, but only with people who don't know me well enough to ask questions. when you ask me how i am, i tear up and tell you i won't talk about it - they don't ask, they don't know to ask. i prefer it that way.

i'm perfecting the art of blending in, of being silent. when alone in my car (where i was a lot the past few days) i've even learned to sing quietly. i used to sing at the top of my lungs.

this weekend i had the opportunity to forget for a moment, but when i closed my eyes to sleep it all came back to me.

the only one i can count on is myself. i got myself in and i'll get myself out.

can i please come home?

2007-05-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

or better yet...can i please stay home?

barely a week back from my last trip to LV and this week brought me down to LA. overall, a successful trip to la la, but some unfinished work has me so antsy i can hardly stand it.

found out late last week, i'll need to take a major trip in june after all - one i had hoped to get out of. i was out of it, until an unexpected turn of events put me back in. it's all the work that needs to go into the prep for that trip, combined with some personal issues, that has me in a funk and so anxious i'm worthless. i'm sitting in the la airport now jiggling my foot as if i were taking some lucky child on the best horsey ride ever. no such luck.

speaking of luck, i guess it's my good fortune to not only get to travel in june, but also in july. so far it's looking like the only month i won't travel this year is september, but c'mon it's a bit early to try to make those kinds of committments, no?

when i'm away from portland, i'm always really anxious about having to go back. i always think i don't belong there and get hungry for something else. and then i come back and sometimes there are people and friends and co-workers and whatnot who are glad to see me and they make me think maybe i'll be okay. but then i have to remember to remind them i'm there...

ugh! can i come home?

an owen meany moment...

2007-05-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

i think i know how i'm going to die. i can't tell you the number of times the scenario has played itself out in my mind over the last few weeks. every saturday and sunday i run many miles on the city streets of portland. and, every week at one point or another i envision my run in with a car. when it happened again yesterday, i actually thought it through and considered that perhaps this is why i am at the junction that i am at in my life.

either that or i've been watching waaayyyy too much Six Feet Under, it's hard to say really.

ps - if you haven't read it, please do.