what i have to choose from

recap of an incident wherein i was (once again) reminded about the selection (or lack thereof) of men available to me:

scene: last night at the gym, me stretching post work-out, dorky guy (dg) next to me working out with cute lady trainer (clt)

CLT: "DG! Get it together tonight, why are you so distracted today? Do you need me to pretend to be an episode of Star Trek to get you to pay attention to our training session?"

DG (overly excited): "OMG! Speaking of Star Trek...there's this episode called X (ed note: he actually said the name of the episode), it's episode 15 in Season 2 (ed note: i caught this part) and it's all about how you should deal with difficult situations. So yesterday, I used those techniques in talking with my boss."

CLT: .... (ed note: crickets chirping)

Me (in my head): holy sh*t, if this is what men are using to address social situations, i'm never going to find my person.


happy friday! i'll regale you with new tales another day.

a list

things that have been uttered, texted, or emailed to me in the last week by a man i'm just not that in to (spelling and grammar his, not mine):

1. "i'll be right back, i have to go potty"
2. "call me at 10 and sing me a lullaby"
3. "hey sexy girl had fun lastnight call me"
4. "Si si madamuaseille"
5. "Hope ya made it to work in the love bug, ha ha ha your car is cute too."
6. "give me a toot."
7. "You are such a hotness. "

i know, i know completely unfair for me to air it here but some of that is damn funny. anyway, i stomached it for as long as i could but now i'm going to have to break up with him. apparently, by opening the door a teeny tiny crack, this guy decide to shove it all the way open. seriously, up until a week ago this guy was nice and wrote normal emails.

snippets

• holy cow it's already december. this kind of scares me, mostly because i sort of missed november.
• it is pouring down rain in pdx right now and outside of my house an old steamer trunk appeared over the weekend. it's just sitting there, on the median, waiting for something. sometimes over the past couple days its lid has been open, sometimes closed. i'm wondering how it got there and what it's waiting for. if the rain continues, maybe it will take itself on some sort of floating trip.
• knowing someone who has lived in a yurt is going to be great fodder for one of those get to know you bingo games in the future
• my attraction to you is directly proportionate to my ability to stomach random and somewhat suggestive texts from you. i'm still deciding if you're attractive enough to pull that off. in the meantime, please stop. it's kind of freaking me out.
• putting all your cards on the table after a few beers can be both liberating and scary, especially when you tell me that i'm great and attractive and funny AFTER you've had time to think about everything i've said.
• sometimes several glasses of wine, the movie elf and some girl time can solve the problems of the world
• i think the mirror in my bathroom at work is more flattering that the one in my house. i thought i looked a bit thick when i left this morning, but just now thought that i was maybe okay.

i said i would, but i didn't

i promised to write something while i was readjusting to the old u-s-of-a, but i couldn't bring myself to think that much while i was sleeping and reading and working on my house.

i promise something is forthcoming, but for now...

i'm sorry,
i can't,
don't hate me.

72 hours

i shot up in my bed at 5AM barcelona time with a smile on my face - 72 hours until i'll be in my portland bed.

it's been a great run, but i'm ready for it to be over. i might lock my door and snuggle in my house until december.

but i promise to post at least once, i've got a funny story to share.

see you stateside....

a working girl in london

a few things to note about actually working in london:

• last night i got to have a true working london experience wherein i went out to the local pub for drinks with my co-workers. i learned today that the pub has been open since the 1300s and the city is threatening to shut it down so locals are signing an online petition.
• in said pub, if i even set my drink down for a moment they would take it away from me - i lost 3 3/4 full beers this way.
• i went with two colleagues around the corner to have take out burgers. trying to be healthy, i ordered a chicken burger (if for nothing else than to get away from beef for a moment), when i opened it up, it was a friend chicken burger, completely negating my one healthy choice!
• many of my colleagues in this office are two finger typers - is it just me or is that weird?

foreign soda

i'm in london now, having arrived yesterday to work with my colleagues in this office for a few days. i'm pretty much in love with them and have already asked them if i can stay.

but there's one teeny tiny problem - the sodas. the sodas here are stored in a vending machine. you order them by number but don't pay.

2 issues w/ vending machine sodas in london:

1) they come out kind of shaken up so "mind the spray"
2) for some reason when you drink out of them you kind of get the distinct smell of dirty gym sock feet, not so good.

crisp update, day 2

today i tried prawn cocktail crisps - they are quite delicious with not even a hint of prawn. i'd strongly recommend, more like sea salt and vinegar than prawn cocktail. even better than chicken chips. yum!

reflections

stream of consciousness resulting from too much time in my head...

confession: i think i should've married the first guy who was going to ask me (nearly 8 years ago now).



in this year of travel (i've spent over 1/4 of this calendar year away from my home, no wonder i feel as though i'm no longer living my life), i've had countless hours of time to reflect on my life the choices i've made and where i've landed.



i'm not really sure why i've ended up where i have. i mean, obviously, it all points back to the choices i've made and at the end of the day all points to my biggest fear, losing my independence and sense of self. but essentially in all this managing and changing and pushing people away, i've managed to lose myself anyway.



so here i am, pushing 30, both young and old at the same time, with nothing to show for myself but hundreds of thousands of frequent flyer miles, lots of men in my past and lots o' shoes. not really who i wanted to be.



sure, if i'd chosen to marry that man, i'd probably have the white picket fence and 2.5 children right now, but i also just might have a partner who shared most of my interests, was willing to try new things, and loved me enough to look past all of my fatal flaws - at least until they were the death to our relationship. and maybe, maybe i didn't have to feel the pressure to get pregnant immediately, and maybe if i'd just said it, he would've respected my decision to not be ready to get married at 22. maybe we could've been great, but when i figured out the ring was coming, i felt trapped and twisted and squirmed until i got out and said goodbye.



since then, i've had a string of ambitious jobs, overall crappy and unfilling relationships with many men that i thought i loved and maybe wanted to love but didn't. i'm not even sure if i loved mr. marry me. in fact, who knows if i even know how to love, i've started to think that maybe that's my issue, that i am 100% incapable of loving anyone but myself. gosh, what an attractive trait (not).



i've spent the last year not living my life and feeling as if i might end up alone, as if that might be my penance for all the things and people that have hurt me and that i've hurt in my life.

not really the way i want to live...

tastes like chicken...

i just had a bag of roasted chicken flavored crisps (that's chips for those of you in the US). i thought they would be nasty, but were suprisingly tasty with only a hint of chicken.

don't know if we'll ever see these in the states...

notes from the road: barcelona

after 20 some odd hours of traveling, i arrived in barcelona early yesterday morning, local time. i'm here for a couple of events but will be detouring to london later this week. i'm hoping to be in my house in time for thanksgiving.

i'm currently sitting in a lime green conference center where they are piping in ambient techno music 24 hours a day (it's quite strange at 7AM). most interesting is to watch the people around you. a conference buddy and i (someone i see on the road a lot) keep laughing b/c we'll suddenly catch ourselves completely distracted bobbing our heads or tapping our pant legs in time with the music. it's an unusual event for sure.

in other news, highlights of my trip so far include:

• a truly princess di moment in a taxi cab yesterday - if i'm ever to die in a firey taxi cab crash it will be here, in barcelona.
• a delicious dinner at pla - last night. gastro-porn, for sure.
• seeing carmindy in the bathroom at the newark airport. don't worry, it wasn't under some unusual senatorial, foot tapping, toilet paper confusion (wrong airport, i know, but i still wondered) but when i looked up and realized who was washing her hands next to me, i nearly squealed - a celeb siting to me for sure.

i'll give you some other updates from this trip as soon as i have more to say.

UPDATE:

2 things:

1) the so called paper towels in the restrooms are the consistency of kleenex which makes for kind of messy hand drying.

2) i just ate the "vegetarian fajitas" for lunch. they were actually black bean burritos covered with tomato sauce. hmmm? i prefer all the delcious carpaccio i've been eating.

and another...an attractive spanish man, driving a cart of fresh croissants just winked at me...le sigh.

copenhagen in lists

to be updated throughout the remainder of my trip:

likes:

• the convention center has natural light
• hot danish men
• loads of fresh fish and lox
• the delicious steak i had for dinner last night
• my hired driver with a mohawk
• one night of full sleep
• beautiful architecture
• the hope of freedom from work on thursday
• the fancy soaps at the hotel (you might get them if you're my next house guest)
• giant towels with little hooks to hang them up
• the brisk cold air
• funny little coffee machines that actually make decent coffee

dislikes:

• my lack of comfort in the euro shower (that floor is soaked every day)
• the weak dollar makes everything extra expensive
• the toilet paper is not at all soft and instead causes chaffing
• getting lost with my mohawked driver
• spending most parts of most nights watching movies on my computer
• my funny closet that's really not a closet

wherein i discuss things like travel and other personal items

started days ago, posting now just so you'll know my story...(it's not complete)

i'm here. in copenhagen. after having slept only 1.5 hours on the way over here, i've made the easiest tranistion to the european time zone ever. an early dinner and 12 straight hours of sleep allowed me to wake up feeling halfway normal. an hour long work out and some breakfast and i feel pretty good about being here. hmmm, ask me in 4 hours how i'm really feeling.



STALKER ALERT: two days before my departure, i got the (you'll think exciting, but i think ugh, another trip) news that i will come home for a mere 5 days before departing to barcelona for work again. so basically, i'll be somewhere other than the great pdx until sometime in mid-november. if you need me, email. if you're stalking me, my place is empty except the attack cat oh, and the cat sitter.



at any rate, you might see a few blogs while i'm here (i'm anticipating having some random downtime allowing to blog at times like 2am pst).



in other news i've been dating: teef, and RR, and a few others. they all have code names. how else can you and i keep them straight?



i've been stood up, disappointed, bored out of my mind, overwhelmed by how much fun i've had, etc. all by the various dates i've been on. we'll see where it leads...i'm just hoping to have a date for company holiday party. c'mon...

sassy outfit raises eyebrows

last night while getting ready for bed, i picked out my outfit for today - i knew before i went to be last night that my outfit was going to be smoking hot.

a black pencil skirt, a slate gray silk shirt, a wide belt showing off my new svelte figure, stilettos and some textured tights - this complete with the long hair i now have and some great earrings - i left my house feeling great for the first time in months.

imagine that, me feeling good about myself. i've actually been having a great couple weeks, pounds dropping, new friends, new men, new life. fall breathes life for me, it always does.

my co-workers are a little flustered with my look today - i've gotten a lot of questions about wow, you look good or why are you dressed up or....

here's the thing, folks. i look good today for me, to remind myself that i can be hot and beautiful and a little bit mean girl (right up to the point where i trip and fall).

it's just a little bit tuesday...

events season

alternately titled, i might not be around for awhile...

i'm running a million miles an hour trying to finalize plans and see all the people i want to see and re-arrange my bedroom according to my new bedroom set all before i leave the country for 10 days on friday.

if you're missing me, i'm sorry, but i won't be around for awhile - work calls.

work's call is coming at a horrible time when there are a few things i'm afraid to walk away from here. i know my life and my world is always dictated by my internal timeline and though i've been open about this with people i know, at this moment, i don't want to have i'm leaving hanging over both of our heads. hopefully, i'm leaving translates to i'm back.

so, in case you're wondering, i'll try to check-in again when i return at the end of the month.

it's part of the package deal

on monday night i was chatting (for the first time via phone) with a potential new suitor. admittedly, i'm a horrible phone talker and was multi-tasking at the time - driving, parking, it was raining, removing items from my trunk, opening my umbrella, etc., but mid-conversation, i dropped my cell phone and it consequently shattered rendering continued conversation impossible. i yelled a few obscenities mostly because i was getting soaked, i'd just unexpectedly ended a conversation rather abruptly and i had no way of calling this person back - i was pissed!

i ran into my house and quickly booted (does anyone still use this term, btw?) up the computer to shoot him a quick email letting him know what had happened and then chastised myself for my clumsiness (my email was titled first impressions and other things that aren't going very well). potential suitor (PS) was very gracious about the situation mentioning that he could still hear me after i'd gone away and calling back to make sure nothing bad had happened.

even though i was slightly mortified at the impression i had left, a few friends had the pleasure of laughing hysterically with me about this unfortunate outcome. but then one of them reminded me that really this is part of the link dating package - i am a klutz, i fall down all the time, i might occasionally over imbibe, i dance like a dork, etc.

so, PS and all others...this is just part of the deal. either you're in or you're not.

no excuses

a guy i dated and i once had a conversation about time management. the gist of the conversation revolved around the limited amount of time we had together and why we consistently met up more in the late night time frame as a opposed to the more after-work time frame. we both sort of realized that it was difficult to get together earlier than that if we wanted to maintain some semblance of our pre-each other lives. i believe his exact words may have been "you know how it goes, you leave work and try to go to they gym and get home and cook some dinner and throw in a load of laundry and suddenly it's 9PM."

at the time these words were a little frustrating for me b/c i'd been working to alter my schedule slightly to make more room in my life for him, but these days i'm definitely back in that mode.

in the last week or so, i've noticed that i have not once eaten dinner before 8:30PM. by the time i leave work and fight traffic, get a decent work-out in at the gym, and drive home it's usually creeping up on 8 o'clock. then i snarf down some meal, do some after hours personal emailing and maybe catch up on my netflix. i need to be getting to sleep by 10:30, but haven't been crawling into bed before 11. it makes for rough mornings and little time for anyone but myself. a few stacks of this weekend's laundry still sit folded on my table, waiting to be put away.

i'm trying to branch out in so many ways, but that requires changing my priorities and i'm not sure i'm quite ready to do it. so friends and family remain uncalled or emailed, movies remain unwatched, blogs remain unupdated and i feel more than scattered.

maybe i need a new lesson in time management or i should start dating that guy again b/c for now, i can only afford a post 9PM relationship.

nesting instinct

i love fall and the fall weather. it's also nice because it always sort of helps me kick my nesting instinct into high gear. this weekend i got to wear JEANS!!! and SWEATERS!!! and i loved it. i almost considered putting the winter blanket on the bed, but refrained since i know i'll be pissed later this week when i'm sweating in my pjs b/c i jumped the gun with the blanket.

instead, i spent the weekend drinking red wine, watching football and cooking. i curled up on my couch with my warm throw and read some of my book while the smell of fresh zucchini bread wafted from the kitchen.

i stopped caring that some little white somethings have infected two of my flower pots b/c really, who cares? it's fall and those plants will die for winter anyway. i thought about getting in that last summer bike ride (but didn't) and instead went to bed early (it's so dark now) and woke up late.

i love fall! it'll soon be warm again, but just the glimpse has me yearning for more. good things are to come in this fall - i'm looking forward to them.

goooooood morning

you can always tell your day's going to take a turn for the worse when you're just starting to shift from complete deep slumber to enjoy those last few moments of bed snuggle time and you are jolted awake by the sound and smell of your cat puking just inches from your face.

for the record, this has actually never happened to me before but when it occurred this morning, i just knew today was not going to be a good one.

i always get them confused anyway

labor day/ memorial day. i always get them confused. every time one of these three day weekend holidays comes around i have to pause for a moment before opening my mouth to confirm (in my head) which holiday it is. for some reason i cannot keep the two straight which may explain my melancholy mood this weekend.

you would've thought it had been memorial day the way that i mourned the loss of all things over the weekend - mostly relationships and friendships and people i miss. the holidays represent the begininning and end of summer to me so maybe i'm just mourning the passing of another season, but when i spend the weekend among friends (old and new) and spend the entire time thinking that maybe i should've worked harder at relationships i've lost, it turns makes for a very laborious memorial day.

hmmm...no wonder i'm always confused.

#####

in other news, i brought home a seven pound zucchini from a friend's garden last night. it's currently in my kitchen occupying its own chair. ps - it also doubles as a cricket bat.