2 things

1) having pink flowy pompoms hanging off the handlebars of your bicycle does not make you a girl. i know many men who sport those just for jest.

2) is there a reason you put on the giant fireworks show in my neighborhood at 10:30pm? i thought the 4ht of july was a couple months ago.

the bbq

my single, career driven, adult female life can definitely get lonely and i imagine (as much as it pains me to say it) that there will come a day (probably in the nearer than i wish future) where i will have to make some decisions determining which of those adjectives is most important to me in my description. (either that or we can all hope that my saturn has not yet returned and that everything will sort itself out. either way...)

the point is, i rarely have complete moments when i absolutely abhor being single. sure i miss having that one person to talk to at night or do anything with or someone who knows me better than anyone else, but i also enjoy being the only person i answer to, having no interruptions to my saturday morning routine, not having to run decorating or money things by anyone else, etc., etc. that is, unless the dreaded office related bbq comes into play.

i was just invited to the obligatory labor day weekend work bbq and while i adore the people (individually) who will be there, it's literally my single girl kryptonite. i will be, with out a doubt, the only person who does not have a partner and/or children or both at this function. and the worst part about it? i no longer live in seattle, so i don't even have the guy friends who will attend these things as my date.

it's four days away and already i'm dreading it. looks like i have four days to find someone, anyone who will be a suitable psuedo so i can show up as anything but alone.

some days singledom is quite difficult...

another one bites the dust

i think i just broke up with someone. i mean, in the end, i don't think i was even seeing him (if i ever was).

at one point i said something to the effect of "i want you in my life, but if you don't feel the same way i hope you have the courage and the courtesy to tell me so." shortly thereafter he stopped taking/ returning my calls so although courage and courtesy were lacking i think the message was clear.

regardless, i would've hoped for an amicable ending (i like things to be neat and tidy in that way) and had merely left a few messages trying to arrange to retrieve some items that had been left behind. finally, i just really needed to be done and left a very directive message with options. i came home last night to my things under my doormat, no note, no nothing, the end. things on my deck were askew leading me to believe that he must've wondered a little bit, but not enough to actually check on me. i texted him to say thanks for dropping my things by (i'm nice that way) and promptly nexted him. as i said, i guess i just broke up with someone.

in other news, i've been informed by TX Mama that i'm not the oldest single person (good news, i suppose) but that i need someone to pre-screen future dates. whatever happened to the right person will come along?

at any rate, another one has officially bitten the dust.

communication via blog? on hold

i don't write on this thing anymore (not because i don't want to, i just don't). i have no less than four different posts started, but i just don't know where to go with them, how transparent i truly want to be so they sit in various stages of done.

i've been gone for most of july and part of august - visiting friends, ending and beginning relationships, enjoying the summer, working and the like. i'm here now; for the forseeable future (if by future you mean october).

promotions and deep cleaning and airing out my life. crushes and break-ups, laughter and tears, plus i've been trying to wrap up the very personal crisis that i've been working through since may. looks like september's on target to be a good month - it's about time.

so i'm here and this blog will be here and there's much more posting to come...i just have to decide what you all should know.

dusk summersong

almost every night i walk in my neighborhood near dusk and i find the whole experience to be completely soothing and poetic, things i love:

• lazy cats sitting on porches, enjoy the (finally) cool pavement
• the sounds of people washing their dishes - one of my favorite summer sounds
• exhausted swings barely swaying in giant trees; they've had a busy day playing with the out of school children
• the smell of your fresh cut grass - you had to wait until it cooled down a bit to work in the yard
• peeking at your windows, to see what you have on TV, how your living room is decorated or glimpses of your family involved in your evening family ritual
• the sound of the screen door slamming, the last screams of children coming in from play
• the smell of you barbecuing on your grill, the scent of your wilted roses
• the sounds of amateur musicians plucking guitar strings on the porch or practicing the drums in the basement

during every one of these walks, i just smile to myself sometimes wistful for things i wish i had and hope to have some day, but often this time allows me to reflect on life and be thrilled for all that i have and bask in the dusk, the sights, smells and sounds.

TMI

today while being held completely captive and having sharp objects digging around in my mouth at the dentist's, the hygienist told me all of the details of the kidney stone she's currently trying to pass.

nothing's worse than being strapped in a chair and have to nod while some shares something that makes you completely uncomfortable and is clearly tmi.

beside manner, people. work on it.

Amazonian. But in a good way.

i finally understand how all of you, my tall friends, have felt around me, the shrimp, for the entire length of our friendship, relationship, whatev.

in the last two days i have felt positively amazonian on multiple occasions, towering over colleagues and co-workers in a way that i did not deem humanly possible for myself.

i mean, i know these are some smoking hot platform espadrilles, but c'mon! amazon?!

well on the bright side, i now know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes...

"honey, i can't leave the house without my hair dun..."

i spent at least half of my drive to work this morning behind a woman with a full head of rollers in her hair.

i found it part endearing and part disturbing - i don't think she was really old enough for the curlers and frankly how was she going to manage that when she got to the office?

weighty issues

i don't do much real talking about me on this site - there's not a real need to. i prefer to keep it to things i see or feel but i've been toying with this post for a long time now and a recent turn of events has this back on my mind in even fuller force.



i'm not a skinny girl, i prefer to be described as curvy. i will never be a skinny girl, believe me, i've tried. i've dabbled with eating disorders (like nearly every woman of my generation) multiple times in my life. amazing results, really. i've been shocked by the positive feedback i've received every time i've slimmed down to a size 2 or size 0, meanwhile i'm starving myself and no one seems to notice. it's no wonder we love these things (eating disorders), positive reinforcement for being positively unhealthy, way to go society, way to perpetuate a major issue. in fact, i'd probably be in some sort of wacky nicole richie state of affairs if it weren't for a great college boyfriend who once told me that if i lost one more pound he was checking me into a clinic PERIOD end of story. there are very few people who will call you out on your shit and make you listen and while we haven't dated in years this action probably explains why he is still someone i consider a dear friend some 10 years later.



currently, i need to lose some weight, it's true. all of my travel this year has allowed me to pack on about 7 pounds that i don't need on my 5'2" frame. 5 lbs on me, is enough to make me chunkier and curvier than i should be and i know it. i work out when i can, i eat healthy when i can and i will slim down when i can.



another thing i know about me...i'm not gorgeous, never will be. no one in my entire life will ever describe me as gorgeous, because frankly i'm not. cute yes, gorgeous, no. it's just not me. believe me, i want to me an 89 lb waify, gorgeous something but with this rack, it ain't gonna happen. let's just leave it at that.



i struggle with my weight each and every day of my life. i struggle with my looks each and every day of my life. every single day of my entire adult life, i have gotten up and criticized every single thing about my looks, weight, body, life, etc. it's literally part of who i am. it's definitely part of who i will always be. my body image issues have held me back from having many successful relationships and god knows what else in my life. i allow the mirror to completely deplete my ability to accept that i deserve something better. i know it and i still do it.



rarely do other people feed into my own issues and for that i am thankful. i have ex-friend who i used to call the first person to give the worst compliment, "oh link, sometimes i forget you can be pretty" was one of her best and most frequent lines. i think it was intended as a compliment, but never quite came out that way. she's an ex-friend b/c of many reasons, but obviously i don't need some to remind me that i'm apparently just not pretty enough. enough said.



these days, i sometimes hang out with a guy who initially intimidated the shit out of me b/c he is truly a beautiful man. i spent the first 5 or 6 times i hung out with him literally laughing my ass off b/c i honestly thought that there was no way that this person could want anything to do with a chunky little blondie like me. i built him up in my mind to be someone he was not, is not. we've all got our baggage, he's got his too and in the end it probably balances out. don't think i don't still wonder what the heck i'm doing hanging out with this guy - he should probably hang with some 23-year old skinny, not me.



women are incredibly catty people, i think all of us want something we cannot have and i think we sometimes say mean things out of jealousy or god knows what drives us to be evil, evil people but i try to save my friends from my criticism of other women. i want to be anyone i'm not. i think all of my girlfriends are beautiful in their own way and would never want them to feel that i didn't think so, but apparently they don't all feel the same for me. in telling a "friend" about above companion, she remarked that "you're lucky he is able to look past the physical, because you're cute and all, but...". but what? you think i'm some sort of fat ass, who doesn't deserve to date an attractive man? is that what you really think of me?

because if it is? i don't need it. and i don't need you. i spend enough of my days berating myself, i don't need your help. i'm doing the best i can to be the best that i can and if you can't support that, then i can no longer support our friendship.


this post has been brought to you by the words rant and the letters L and B.

"i'd like to check you for ticks." ???

lyrics to a song i just heard on the radio.



endearing i suppose, but not really the pick-up line i'm dying to hear.



please refrain from suggesting this when you see me.



k? thanks.

the worst kind of alone

just like everything that's in my head and my heart right now, i put myself here. into the complete aloneness. i have to be here right now, i have to figure out what to do next and how to fix what's broken, what's wrong. for the first time in my entire life, i'm choosing not to repeatedly discuss over and over with each and every one of you what i'm dealing with. instead, i'm closing you all off, shutting down until i can figure out what i should do, what i should say.

i'm fine. i'll be fine. because i have to be fine. i don't allow myself another choice. i'll make something work that will fix this and maybe i'll tell you about it one day but i probably won't.

for the record, my health is fine (knock on wood), no one has died and i still have my job.

i've been out and about, but only with people who don't know me well enough to ask questions. when you ask me how i am, i tear up and tell you i won't talk about it - they don't ask, they don't know to ask. i prefer it that way.

i'm perfecting the art of blending in, of being silent. when alone in my car (where i was a lot the past few days) i've even learned to sing quietly. i used to sing at the top of my lungs.

this weekend i had the opportunity to forget for a moment, but when i closed my eyes to sleep it all came back to me.

the only one i can count on is myself. i got myself in and i'll get myself out.

can i please come home?

or better yet...can i please stay home?

barely a week back from my last trip to LV and this week brought me down to LA. overall, a successful trip to la la, but some unfinished work has me so antsy i can hardly stand it.

found out late last week, i'll need to take a major trip in june after all - one i had hoped to get out of. i was out of it, until an unexpected turn of events put me back in. it's all the work that needs to go into the prep for that trip, combined with some personal issues, that has me in a funk and so anxious i'm worthless. i'm sitting in the la airport now jiggling my foot as if i were taking some lucky child on the best horsey ride ever. no such luck.

speaking of luck, i guess it's my good fortune to not only get to travel in june, but also in july. so far it's looking like the only month i won't travel this year is september, but c'mon it's a bit early to try to make those kinds of committments, no?

when i'm away from portland, i'm always really anxious about having to go back. i always think i don't belong there and get hungry for something else. and then i come back and sometimes there are people and friends and co-workers and whatnot who are glad to see me and they make me think maybe i'll be okay. but then i have to remember to remind them i'm there...

ugh! can i come home?

an owen meany moment...

i think i know how i'm going to die. i can't tell you the number of times the scenario has played itself out in my mind over the last few weeks. every saturday and sunday i run many miles on the city streets of portland. and, every week at one point or another i envision my run in with a car. when it happened again yesterday, i actually thought it through and considered that perhaps this is why i am at the junction that i am at in my life.

either that or i've been watching waaayyyy too much Six Feet Under, it's hard to say really.


ps - if you haven't read it, please do.

fortunate fortune

in the week leading up to major travel, i always have lunch brought in every day. today was chinese food and i couldn't have asked for a more apropos fortune in my cookie...

"While you're carrying a grudge, others are out dancing."

i taped it to my computer monitor so i can remember.

ps - i'm leaving again tomorrow.

so incredibly self-centered...

that i'm probably about to spontaneously combust. just by being me.

yesterday i allowed someone else's actions to maybe make me not feel so good about myself so today i wore a smokin' hot dress to work b/c i knew people would tell me i looked cute. and today, my friends, i need to hear that i look cute/ smokin' hot/ whatevs.

my work friends always make me feel good about myself and today i needed them to do that. i just stopped by one of my work friends cubicles for the required compliment (under the guise of dropping something off, okay really i did have something work-related to drop off) and she's not even here to give me the obligatory compliment - wtf?!

b/c really folks, that's what got under my skin today...yep, me, so incredibly self-centered.

i think there's a song about me, "your so vain..."

a duck in the city

somehow a mama duck and her baby got themselves into the middle lane of traffic on the interstate during rush hour this morning. i saw them frantically trying to weave their way through the fast moving traffic and in my rearview mirror a semi truck hitting the baby while the mother fluttered out of the way.

i can't speak to her fate, but i wonder if ducks mourn losses the way we do...

it made me sad.

strawberries

sorry in advance for the randomness of this post - it's pure stream of consciousness...

i threw my morning completely out of whack today just by adding strawberries to my breakfast smoothie. i was trying to use up some fresh strawberries and mixed them with my frozen berries and suddenly everything was out of whack - my smoothie was too sweet and not as thick as it usually is and...hmmm, something's not good.

it's funny how that's the thing that threw me into a tizzy. yesterday wasn't exactly great - too little sleep, too much wine and fun on sunday night led to a misstep in my week's kick-off but somehow i didn't feel completely out of whack in my monday fog.

it's fascinating the things that affect me.

i was in LA last week for a few days and have been formulating a blog post in my mind ever since i returned. out for drinks with a friend the other night, he asked me what the blog post would be knowing full well that the wheels in my little head were turning thinking of what statement i wanted to make and why. another friend reminded me of the bloggers syndrome - the whole idea that every encounter must result in a blog post and therefore you begin looking at your entire being as a story you will tell online - i try not to do it anymore, but i definitely have. now i just stick to the random minutiae of my life or other such silliness.

i wanted to blog about these girls that i had lunch with in lala. it was a business meeting that turned into a "my story about dating at our age" discussion. the moral of the story? dating in LA is worse than dating here...i think. two gorgeous gals telling me about the actors and the insecurities and the need to drive a mercedes and i'm thinking well at least i don't have to weed through all of that.

for a minute i could see myself living in LA, except for the part where i had to maneuver my SUV across the millions of lanes of traffic on every highway. everyone i talked to said they don't commute more than an hour - my commute's that bad often enough. it was sunny and friendly and fashionable and for a second i thought about LA. then i remembered that i already have days when i don't feel good about myself - i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, make enough money, etc. i don't need a ginormous city to tell me i'm not good enough everyday.

and so today, pdx wins.

a charming weekend

do you ever have one of those weekends that's just unexpectedly delightful for no apparent reason? i just had one.

it included things like sitting on my deck in the sun reading a book, riding my bicycle to meet some girls for drinks and riding back home in the dark, laying in my bed listening to the rain through the open windows, random errand chasing/aimless driving on 82nd - where no one wants to be, a great flick, some me time, and a sunday filled with a great run, some new friends and wine in the afternoon. nothing says charming like hours of conversation and needing to take a nap at 5PM on sunday.

i'm off to LA for a quick moment tomorrow...

the world may be coming to an end

here's why:

in the last six months i have embraced three things that i have been vehemently opposed to for the last 3 years, i'm pretty sure my levels are out of whack.

• in late october, knowing i was heading to munich for an extended work trip, i kind of freaked out about some tv i might miss. tv people! i freaked out about missing tv! so in an effort to remedy this situation, i added dvr to my cable line-up. i'm ashamed to admit that i love the dvr. i love it b/c i'm also strongly opposed to using television as an excuse to miss anything and refused to do it, but then would feel disappointed when i missed a show i like. now, i never ever watch real tv anymore and i also never miss any shows that i like. i actually don't think i've upped my tv watching (as i feared might happen) instead i think i watch less b/c everything takes less time without the commercials.
• for the past 4 years, i've been stealing internet from my neighbors (sorry guys, but i had to do it). i didn't want to pay for something i could get for free. it's pretty much how i felt during the napster phase right up to the point where i got scared that i was going to get caught for the 1000s of songs i'd downloaded illegally. i spent most of my so-called xmas vacation dragging my mom from coffee shop to portland coffee shop b/c i couldn't get a good connection at home to do the work i needed to do so in february i sucked it up and purchased at home internet. i now have all access all the time. yikes!
• yesterday, i bit the bullet and joined the ranks of netflix. shite! i'll probably never leave my house again now that i have movies being delivered to my door (did i mention that i recently started having organic fruits and vegetables delivered too?!)

so pretty much i have no reason to leave my house now - internet, dvr, netflix, food, etc.

this is a little bit of a sad, sad day. next thing you know i'll finally breakdown and purchase the smartphone that really is necessary for my job and all normal communication will cease immediately.

don't say i didn't warn you...

headache heartache

maybe, maybe not. i've had a headache for the last two days - the really unbearable kind as in i've been mere moments from a migraine since tuesday. technically i'm blaming it on the fact that i neglected to take my magnesium supplement (also known as the thing that's saved me from having frequent migraines for the past year) for the three nights prior to the onset.

i'm guessing i can also blame it on a few other things. i've had a lot on my mind during those few days - considering my interactions with people, realizing i may have let my friends and my talking determine how i reacted to a situation instead of looking within myself to better understand how i wanted to react to the situation.

i talk about everything with my girlfriends. it's the only way i know how to process my own thoughts. i rarely come to conclusions on my own without first running through every scenario with at least 2-3 confidantes. i'm not a risk taker with my emotions, every move overly calculated and thought out. i never open myself up to heartache, vulnerability or anything that might actually matter. it's safer that way. it's probably also a recipe for being alone.

there's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" where meg ryan talks about how there's one person who brings out the absolute worst in her and the meanest things come out of her mouth when interacting with him, things she would never say and she doesn't know why it happens with him. the character is tom hanks and in the end she ends up with him. but this meg ryan character has been me the past few weeks. i know i have the venom of a cobra when i feel cornered and trapped but in the last week plus, i've lashed out at the same person so many times that it may have gotten to the point of inexcusability - in fact, i may have permanently altered the relationship. i could blame this on some many things - my discomfort with being here and not being here, other changes, etc. but the reality is for some reason i've taken to stinging this person repeatedly and no matter what they've done to deserve it, no one deserves that. this is the internet mea culpa.

speaking of heartache, i've been thinking a lot about seattle this past week and whether moving back there now (or ever) is really going to be the right choice for me anymore. sometimes i think it might be like the year that i lived in wyoming where i wanted to go back but at some point realized it was never going to be the same. maybe seattle's my lover that i hang my hat on, but in reality i've only built it up in my mind and what i hold dear about it no longer exists or maybe it never did. i'm itching for change, but no longer know what it should be...

so that's the stream of consciousness post that you get when my head pounds so hard my eyes water...thank goodness for a sunny, warm portland day.