copenhagen in lists

to be updated throughout the remainder of my trip:

likes:

• the convention center has natural light
• hot danish men
• loads of fresh fish and lox
• the delicious steak i had for dinner last night
• my hired driver with a mohawk
• one night of full sleep
• beautiful architecture
• the hope of freedom from work on thursday
• the fancy soaps at the hotel (you might get them if you're my next house guest)
• giant towels with little hooks to hang them up
• the brisk cold air
• funny little coffee machines that actually make decent coffee

dislikes:

• my lack of comfort in the euro shower (that floor is soaked every day)
• the weak dollar makes everything extra expensive
• the toilet paper is not at all soft and instead causes chaffing
• getting lost with my mohawked driver
• spending most parts of most nights watching movies on my computer
• my funny closet that's really not a closet

wherein i discuss things like travel and other personal items

started days ago, posting now just so you'll know my story...(it's not complete)

i'm here. in copenhagen. after having slept only 1.5 hours on the way over here, i've made the easiest tranistion to the european time zone ever. an early dinner and 12 straight hours of sleep allowed me to wake up feeling halfway normal. an hour long work out and some breakfast and i feel pretty good about being here. hmmm, ask me in 4 hours how i'm really feeling.



STALKER ALERT: two days before my departure, i got the (you'll think exciting, but i think ugh, another trip) news that i will come home for a mere 5 days before departing to barcelona for work again. so basically, i'll be somewhere other than the great pdx until sometime in mid-november. if you need me, email. if you're stalking me, my place is empty except the attack cat oh, and the cat sitter.



at any rate, you might see a few blogs while i'm here (i'm anticipating having some random downtime allowing to blog at times like 2am pst).



in other news i've been dating: teef, and RR, and a few others. they all have code names. how else can you and i keep them straight?



i've been stood up, disappointed, bored out of my mind, overwhelmed by how much fun i've had, etc. all by the various dates i've been on. we'll see where it leads...i'm just hoping to have a date for company holiday party. c'mon...

sassy outfit raises eyebrows

last night while getting ready for bed, i picked out my outfit for today - i knew before i went to be last night that my outfit was going to be smoking hot.

a black pencil skirt, a slate gray silk shirt, a wide belt showing off my new svelte figure, stilettos and some textured tights - this complete with the long hair i now have and some great earrings - i left my house feeling great for the first time in months.

imagine that, me feeling good about myself. i've actually been having a great couple weeks, pounds dropping, new friends, new men, new life. fall breathes life for me, it always does.

my co-workers are a little flustered with my look today - i've gotten a lot of questions about wow, you look good or why are you dressed up or....

here's the thing, folks. i look good today for me, to remind myself that i can be hot and beautiful and a little bit mean girl (right up to the point where i trip and fall).

it's just a little bit tuesday...

events season

alternately titled, i might not be around for awhile...

i'm running a million miles an hour trying to finalize plans and see all the people i want to see and re-arrange my bedroom according to my new bedroom set all before i leave the country for 10 days on friday.

if you're missing me, i'm sorry, but i won't be around for awhile - work calls.

work's call is coming at a horrible time when there are a few things i'm afraid to walk away from here. i know my life and my world is always dictated by my internal timeline and though i've been open about this with people i know, at this moment, i don't want to have i'm leaving hanging over both of our heads. hopefully, i'm leaving translates to i'm back.

so, in case you're wondering, i'll try to check-in again when i return at the end of the month.

it's part of the package deal

on monday night i was chatting (for the first time via phone) with a potential new suitor. admittedly, i'm a horrible phone talker and was multi-tasking at the time - driving, parking, it was raining, removing items from my trunk, opening my umbrella, etc., but mid-conversation, i dropped my cell phone and it consequently shattered rendering continued conversation impossible. i yelled a few obscenities mostly because i was getting soaked, i'd just unexpectedly ended a conversation rather abruptly and i had no way of calling this person back - i was pissed!

i ran into my house and quickly booted (does anyone still use this term, btw?) up the computer to shoot him a quick email letting him know what had happened and then chastised myself for my clumsiness (my email was titled first impressions and other things that aren't going very well). potential suitor (PS) was very gracious about the situation mentioning that he could still hear me after i'd gone away and calling back to make sure nothing bad had happened.

even though i was slightly mortified at the impression i had left, a few friends had the pleasure of laughing hysterically with me about this unfortunate outcome. but then one of them reminded me that really this is part of the link dating package - i am a klutz, i fall down all the time, i might occasionally over imbibe, i dance like a dork, etc.

so, PS and all others...this is just part of the deal. either you're in or you're not.

no excuses

a guy i dated and i once had a conversation about time management. the gist of the conversation revolved around the limited amount of time we had together and why we consistently met up more in the late night time frame as a opposed to the more after-work time frame. we both sort of realized that it was difficult to get together earlier than that if we wanted to maintain some semblance of our pre-each other lives. i believe his exact words may have been "you know how it goes, you leave work and try to go to they gym and get home and cook some dinner and throw in a load of laundry and suddenly it's 9PM."

at the time these words were a little frustrating for me b/c i'd been working to alter my schedule slightly to make more room in my life for him, but these days i'm definitely back in that mode.

in the last week or so, i've noticed that i have not once eaten dinner before 8:30PM. by the time i leave work and fight traffic, get a decent work-out in at the gym, and drive home it's usually creeping up on 8 o'clock. then i snarf down some meal, do some after hours personal emailing and maybe catch up on my netflix. i need to be getting to sleep by 10:30, but haven't been crawling into bed before 11. it makes for rough mornings and little time for anyone but myself. a few stacks of this weekend's laundry still sit folded on my table, waiting to be put away.

i'm trying to branch out in so many ways, but that requires changing my priorities and i'm not sure i'm quite ready to do it. so friends and family remain uncalled or emailed, movies remain unwatched, blogs remain unupdated and i feel more than scattered.

maybe i need a new lesson in time management or i should start dating that guy again b/c for now, i can only afford a post 9PM relationship.

nesting instinct

i love fall and the fall weather. it's also nice because it always sort of helps me kick my nesting instinct into high gear. this weekend i got to wear JEANS!!! and SWEATERS!!! and i loved it. i almost considered putting the winter blanket on the bed, but refrained since i know i'll be pissed later this week when i'm sweating in my pjs b/c i jumped the gun with the blanket.

instead, i spent the weekend drinking red wine, watching football and cooking. i curled up on my couch with my warm throw and read some of my book while the smell of fresh zucchini bread wafted from the kitchen.

i stopped caring that some little white somethings have infected two of my flower pots b/c really, who cares? it's fall and those plants will die for winter anyway. i thought about getting in that last summer bike ride (but didn't) and instead went to bed early (it's so dark now) and woke up late.

i love fall! it'll soon be warm again, but just the glimpse has me yearning for more. good things are to come in this fall - i'm looking forward to them.

goooooood morning

you can always tell your day's going to take a turn for the worse when you're just starting to shift from complete deep slumber to enjoy those last few moments of bed snuggle time and you are jolted awake by the sound and smell of your cat puking just inches from your face.

for the record, this has actually never happened to me before but when it occurred this morning, i just knew today was not going to be a good one.

i always get them confused anyway

labor day/ memorial day. i always get them confused. every time one of these three day weekend holidays comes around i have to pause for a moment before opening my mouth to confirm (in my head) which holiday it is. for some reason i cannot keep the two straight which may explain my melancholy mood this weekend.

you would've thought it had been memorial day the way that i mourned the loss of all things over the weekend - mostly relationships and friendships and people i miss. the holidays represent the begininning and end of summer to me so maybe i'm just mourning the passing of another season, but when i spend the weekend among friends (old and new) and spend the entire time thinking that maybe i should've worked harder at relationships i've lost, it turns makes for a very laborious memorial day.

hmmm...no wonder i'm always confused.

#####

in other news, i brought home a seven pound zucchini from a friend's garden last night. it's currently in my kitchen occupying its own chair. ps - it also doubles as a cricket bat.

2 things

1) having pink flowy pompoms hanging off the handlebars of your bicycle does not make you a girl. i know many men who sport those just for jest.

2) is there a reason you put on the giant fireworks show in my neighborhood at 10:30pm? i thought the 4ht of july was a couple months ago.

the bbq

my single, career driven, adult female life can definitely get lonely and i imagine (as much as it pains me to say it) that there will come a day (probably in the nearer than i wish future) where i will have to make some decisions determining which of those adjectives is most important to me in my description. (either that or we can all hope that my saturn has not yet returned and that everything will sort itself out. either way...)

the point is, i rarely have complete moments when i absolutely abhor being single. sure i miss having that one person to talk to at night or do anything with or someone who knows me better than anyone else, but i also enjoy being the only person i answer to, having no interruptions to my saturday morning routine, not having to run decorating or money things by anyone else, etc., etc. that is, unless the dreaded office related bbq comes into play.

i was just invited to the obligatory labor day weekend work bbq and while i adore the people (individually) who will be there, it's literally my single girl kryptonite. i will be, with out a doubt, the only person who does not have a partner and/or children or both at this function. and the worst part about it? i no longer live in seattle, so i don't even have the guy friends who will attend these things as my date.

it's four days away and already i'm dreading it. looks like i have four days to find someone, anyone who will be a suitable psuedo so i can show up as anything but alone.

some days singledom is quite difficult...

another one bites the dust

i think i just broke up with someone. i mean, in the end, i don't think i was even seeing him (if i ever was).

at one point i said something to the effect of "i want you in my life, but if you don't feel the same way i hope you have the courage and the courtesy to tell me so." shortly thereafter he stopped taking/ returning my calls so although courage and courtesy were lacking i think the message was clear.

regardless, i would've hoped for an amicable ending (i like things to be neat and tidy in that way) and had merely left a few messages trying to arrange to retrieve some items that had been left behind. finally, i just really needed to be done and left a very directive message with options. i came home last night to my things under my doormat, no note, no nothing, the end. things on my deck were askew leading me to believe that he must've wondered a little bit, but not enough to actually check on me. i texted him to say thanks for dropping my things by (i'm nice that way) and promptly nexted him. as i said, i guess i just broke up with someone.

in other news, i've been informed by TX Mama that i'm not the oldest single person (good news, i suppose) but that i need someone to pre-screen future dates. whatever happened to the right person will come along?

at any rate, another one has officially bitten the dust.

communication via blog? on hold

i don't write on this thing anymore (not because i don't want to, i just don't). i have no less than four different posts started, but i just don't know where to go with them, how transparent i truly want to be so they sit in various stages of done.

i've been gone for most of july and part of august - visiting friends, ending and beginning relationships, enjoying the summer, working and the like. i'm here now; for the forseeable future (if by future you mean october).

promotions and deep cleaning and airing out my life. crushes and break-ups, laughter and tears, plus i've been trying to wrap up the very personal crisis that i've been working through since may. looks like september's on target to be a good month - it's about time.

so i'm here and this blog will be here and there's much more posting to come...i just have to decide what you all should know.

dusk summersong

almost every night i walk in my neighborhood near dusk and i find the whole experience to be completely soothing and poetic, things i love:

• lazy cats sitting on porches, enjoy the (finally) cool pavement
• the sounds of people washing their dishes - one of my favorite summer sounds
• exhausted swings barely swaying in giant trees; they've had a busy day playing with the out of school children
• the smell of your fresh cut grass - you had to wait until it cooled down a bit to work in the yard
• peeking at your windows, to see what you have on TV, how your living room is decorated or glimpses of your family involved in your evening family ritual
• the sound of the screen door slamming, the last screams of children coming in from play
• the smell of you barbecuing on your grill, the scent of your wilted roses
• the sounds of amateur musicians plucking guitar strings on the porch or practicing the drums in the basement

during every one of these walks, i just smile to myself sometimes wistful for things i wish i had and hope to have some day, but often this time allows me to reflect on life and be thrilled for all that i have and bask in the dusk, the sights, smells and sounds.

TMI

today while being held completely captive and having sharp objects digging around in my mouth at the dentist's, the hygienist told me all of the details of the kidney stone she's currently trying to pass.

nothing's worse than being strapped in a chair and have to nod while some shares something that makes you completely uncomfortable and is clearly tmi.

beside manner, people. work on it.

Amazonian. But in a good way.

i finally understand how all of you, my tall friends, have felt around me, the shrimp, for the entire length of our friendship, relationship, whatev.

in the last two days i have felt positively amazonian on multiple occasions, towering over colleagues and co-workers in a way that i did not deem humanly possible for myself.

i mean, i know these are some smoking hot platform espadrilles, but c'mon! amazon?!

well on the bright side, i now know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes...

"honey, i can't leave the house without my hair dun..."

i spent at least half of my drive to work this morning behind a woman with a full head of rollers in her hair.

i found it part endearing and part disturbing - i don't think she was really old enough for the curlers and frankly how was she going to manage that when she got to the office?

weighty issues

i don't do much real talking about me on this site - there's not a real need to. i prefer to keep it to things i see or feel but i've been toying with this post for a long time now and a recent turn of events has this back on my mind in even fuller force.



i'm not a skinny girl, i prefer to be described as curvy. i will never be a skinny girl, believe me, i've tried. i've dabbled with eating disorders (like nearly every woman of my generation) multiple times in my life. amazing results, really. i've been shocked by the positive feedback i've received every time i've slimmed down to a size 2 or size 0, meanwhile i'm starving myself and no one seems to notice. it's no wonder we love these things (eating disorders), positive reinforcement for being positively unhealthy, way to go society, way to perpetuate a major issue. in fact, i'd probably be in some sort of wacky nicole richie state of affairs if it weren't for a great college boyfriend who once told me that if i lost one more pound he was checking me into a clinic PERIOD end of story. there are very few people who will call you out on your shit and make you listen and while we haven't dated in years this action probably explains why he is still someone i consider a dear friend some 10 years later.



currently, i need to lose some weight, it's true. all of my travel this year has allowed me to pack on about 7 pounds that i don't need on my 5'2" frame. 5 lbs on me, is enough to make me chunkier and curvier than i should be and i know it. i work out when i can, i eat healthy when i can and i will slim down when i can.



another thing i know about me...i'm not gorgeous, never will be. no one in my entire life will ever describe me as gorgeous, because frankly i'm not. cute yes, gorgeous, no. it's just not me. believe me, i want to me an 89 lb waify, gorgeous something but with this rack, it ain't gonna happen. let's just leave it at that.



i struggle with my weight each and every day of my life. i struggle with my looks each and every day of my life. every single day of my entire adult life, i have gotten up and criticized every single thing about my looks, weight, body, life, etc. it's literally part of who i am. it's definitely part of who i will always be. my body image issues have held me back from having many successful relationships and god knows what else in my life. i allow the mirror to completely deplete my ability to accept that i deserve something better. i know it and i still do it.



rarely do other people feed into my own issues and for that i am thankful. i have ex-friend who i used to call the first person to give the worst compliment, "oh link, sometimes i forget you can be pretty" was one of her best and most frequent lines. i think it was intended as a compliment, but never quite came out that way. she's an ex-friend b/c of many reasons, but obviously i don't need some to remind me that i'm apparently just not pretty enough. enough said.



these days, i sometimes hang out with a guy who initially intimidated the shit out of me b/c he is truly a beautiful man. i spent the first 5 or 6 times i hung out with him literally laughing my ass off b/c i honestly thought that there was no way that this person could want anything to do with a chunky little blondie like me. i built him up in my mind to be someone he was not, is not. we've all got our baggage, he's got his too and in the end it probably balances out. don't think i don't still wonder what the heck i'm doing hanging out with this guy - he should probably hang with some 23-year old skinny, not me.



women are incredibly catty people, i think all of us want something we cannot have and i think we sometimes say mean things out of jealousy or god knows what drives us to be evil, evil people but i try to save my friends from my criticism of other women. i want to be anyone i'm not. i think all of my girlfriends are beautiful in their own way and would never want them to feel that i didn't think so, but apparently they don't all feel the same for me. in telling a "friend" about above companion, she remarked that "you're lucky he is able to look past the physical, because you're cute and all, but...". but what? you think i'm some sort of fat ass, who doesn't deserve to date an attractive man? is that what you really think of me?

because if it is? i don't need it. and i don't need you. i spend enough of my days berating myself, i don't need your help. i'm doing the best i can to be the best that i can and if you can't support that, then i can no longer support our friendship.


this post has been brought to you by the words rant and the letters L and B.

"i'd like to check you for ticks." ???

lyrics to a song i just heard on the radio.



endearing i suppose, but not really the pick-up line i'm dying to hear.



please refrain from suggesting this when you see me.



k? thanks.

the worst kind of alone

just like everything that's in my head and my heart right now, i put myself here. into the complete aloneness. i have to be here right now, i have to figure out what to do next and how to fix what's broken, what's wrong. for the first time in my entire life, i'm choosing not to repeatedly discuss over and over with each and every one of you what i'm dealing with. instead, i'm closing you all off, shutting down until i can figure out what i should do, what i should say.

i'm fine. i'll be fine. because i have to be fine. i don't allow myself another choice. i'll make something work that will fix this and maybe i'll tell you about it one day but i probably won't.

for the record, my health is fine (knock on wood), no one has died and i still have my job.

i've been out and about, but only with people who don't know me well enough to ask questions. when you ask me how i am, i tear up and tell you i won't talk about it - they don't ask, they don't know to ask. i prefer it that way.

i'm perfecting the art of blending in, of being silent. when alone in my car (where i was a lot the past few days) i've even learned to sing quietly. i used to sing at the top of my lungs.

this weekend i had the opportunity to forget for a moment, but when i closed my eyes to sleep it all came back to me.

the only one i can count on is myself. i got myself in and i'll get myself out.