just a thought really

i know it's february 2nd and we were all pretty excited this morning to see if punxsutawney phil would see his shadow (and send us 6 more weeks of winter) or not.

and, i admittedly, was hoping he wouldn't see his shadow b/c i'm ready for the spring/summer and light nights and camping and outdoor goodness.

but, i'm also a realist, and it was 30 degrees outside my house today and i had to scrape some ice off my car.

so...i'm still wearing my winter clothes. and no sandals/ open-toed shoes to work...yet. so, WHY did you?! it's freezing!

side note, i know this thing is dying a slow death. the boy and the stable/non-datingness that is now my life has sort of, no really limited, the amount of fodder i have for this place. there's not much to share about things like cooking dinner together and then watching our favorite show on dvr or say, watching the super bowl with all our other married friends while eating pizza and buffalo wings or running errands for things like new car batteries and laundry detergent on a saturday. boring for the blog, but domestically blissful.

my most exciting news...we joined a bowling league and got new bowling balls and shoes!


see where i'm coming from here? i promise i'll sporadically update this thing if/when i have something to report. (like the open toed shoes in feb.!)

ummm, i guess...

this just in! there are some very strange people out there, innernets. take this for example...

remember this guy? well i do. i remember him and all his creepy texts and i tell his little "story" whenever someone needs to hear some sort of dating nightmare a la moi.

friday night i get a random text "where u at?" from a number i don't recognize.

i respond "who is this?"

response: "this is {shortened version of creepy texter's name} u {my name}"

i spent a good 15 minutes trying to figure out who this person was when finally it dawned on me that creepy texter is now going by the shortened version of his name.

i did not respond.

guessing he was spreading a little holiday cheer. um, i guess it's normal to reach out to people that never responded to you in the first place....especially a year later.

and a happy holiday to you too, ct!

dreamy

innernets: i'm back. done with all of my work related travel for the year. yippee! (well aside from that one quick day trip to seattle next week, but who can really call that a work trip).

i've changed my routine a bit (to deal with what i affectionately call the chunky monkey) and for some reason i've been remembering all sorts of crazy dreams.

three snippets from last night:

1. i'm floating down the river (on a giant rock no less) and i call over some cattails to ask one of my reports to work on something. when i get to the bottom of the river i begin to push the rock back up the hill.
2. my evil stepmother (from my childhood) goes into a bakery with my half sister and my then, step sister while i wait outside. when they return everyone has a big dreamy cupcake but there's not one for me. when i ask why, she says she didn't have money to get me one so she didn't
3. the boy and are on some grand adventure and there's a sick puppy (or maybe a sick kid?). it finally goes to sleep and i go to snuggle up to him and he turns me away.

what does all this crazy subconscious thought madness mean. can't a girl just get a solid sleep?

nope, not stressed at all

wanna know how i know? b/c i just went to the bathroom to pee and looked down at my underwear only to realize they were on backwards. yep, i've been wearing them backwards since 6:30 this morning.

clearly my head is in a great place (not!).

side note, i'm going missing again. it's time for my crazy work travel schedule where i will be flitting around the US and the world until early december.

see you later alligator.

why i love working in cubeland

i just printed out some items to take to a meeting that i have in a few minutes. when i walked over to the printer to pick them up, the printer was not working b/c it was jammed.

fear not. one of my trusty co-workers had printed out instructions on how to fix the problem with the printer (from another printer i can only assume), then found some tape and taped them to the inoperable printer. my co-worker did not, however, fix said printer with said instructions.

really?! really. you took the time to print out instructions on how to fix and managed to find tape to print them to the printer but you didn't actually fix it? c'mon.

note: i chose not to fix the printer either. i will always fix the printer/ copier when i break it, but i am above this nonsense.

instead i'm telling the innernets.

must be skimping

i literally just looked at my elbows (no idea why i was looking at my elbows other than an excuse not to work for a few mins) and on both arms elephant elbows!

i've never had elephant elbows in my life! ever! and i'm from CO, the driest place on earth. i now i live in pdx where it rains 98% of the time - i can't even keep my hair straight, how can i have elephant elbows?!

have i been missing this spot with lotion for the last 47 months?! that's pretty much the only explanation.


side note: there is zero exaggeration in this post. and also zero sarcasm. but seriously?! elephant elbows?!

now i know...

• that if told the only way i can go to sit down in my seat AND have a beer, i will put a lid on my beer and drink it through a straw. i will also hate every minute of it and feel like a plastic cup ruined my $5+ beer.
• that if i accidentally run into my ex (who incidentally asked me to never speak to him again) and his new wife, i will pretend i did not see them both to protect my new beau from the awkwardness and as a mature way of dealing with the above never speaking.
• if an experience seems to be truly amazing the first time you experience it, it might be best to just let that ride and not try to recreate
• donning an apron and cooking dinner for the boy, plus putting together a little leftover set-up for his lunch the next day will not insult the feminist side of me, but instead make me feel sexy
• cleaning gutters on a saturday, in a raincoat and an oversized tee will bring lots of giggles and an unexpected closeness
• the words "you do more for me than you even know..." can give me butterflies in my stomach.

now i know.

the sweetest thing

last weekend i had the opportunity to do/ experience something that i have never ever witnessed.

the boy and i took an impromptu trip to SF - a last minute work trip extended into a weekend trip, some frequent flyer and hotel miles and what would have been an overly costly excursion suddenly became more than financially feasible.

the kicker was that the boy hasn't been on a plane in 30 years (and well, i travel multiple times per month). i'd been planting the plane seed (to someone who's afraid of heights) for quite sometime, but the opportunity arose much more quickly than i'd expected and when i broached the subject, i honestly thought he'd say "no".

much to my delight, he quickly realized that this was a great opportunity and push for him to get over his fear and he quickly committed to the weekend. prior to his departure on friday we had a long discussion about airport check-ins and regulations, what to expect, etc. but i never ever thought he'd have the reaction to traveling that he did.

when i picked him up at the airport on friday night he was the equivalent of a 5-year-old at christmas and could not stop talking about the various aspects of his trip, what he saw, how he experienced it, what he said, etc. it was literally one of the most joyous moments of my life.

b/c i travel all of the time, i forget what it's like for others - the excitement of going somewhere or the take-off of it all and it was so neat to share that sense of wonderment with someone.

it also helped that the weekend was fantastic and we spent the entire time plotting for our next sf adventure.

a doozy

most of my professional life, i've been vying for an opportunity to move to another city or another country. not too awful long ago, i put myself up for a position in london b/c i was dying for a change AND a professional opportunity. the opportunity would have been mine had the funding not completely fell by the wayside.

i just got offered an opportunity to literally take my pick of places to go and i have no idea what decision to make. i have some time to think on it for sure.

i've tried all sides of the coin in the past (b/c apparently coins no longer just have two sides) - moving regardless of the boy's needs, moving b/c of the boy's needs, not moving b/c of my needs, moving b/c of my needs and i don't have the foggiest idea on where to begin here. i don't even know if i should tell him. what i should tell him. how i should tell him.

i'm not even sure we're there....yet. i have some questions to ask on both sides and some thinking to do. but this is a position i don't think i want to be in b/c i don't have a crystal ball and i kind of need one right now.

sigh.

California Dreamin' (or something)

was in LA for a couple days this week. randomly greeted at the rental car place by a white mazda miata convertible. so CA...

spent most of my time driving it, thinking i was going to die in a fiery crash on a CA highway (especially when my face was at the same level of most SUV's mid rim). but yesterday on my way back to the airport, i put the top down, let the breeze flow through my hair and i drove that car!

i spent my driving kind of wishing i was still in my early 20s (and not in LA) where maybe someone would've noticed me, maybe the boys would've whistled or someone would've taken a second glance. i don't miss those times most of the time, but int that car, in that city (where everyone is a size minus zero and frankly, i'm not), i wished to be someone else.

it was fun, but i gladly turned that car in to return to my city, my trees, my fresh air, my boy, my house - all the things that define who i am today.

it was fun to look back, but mostly i'm just excited about moving forward.

one of my favorites

coming off the last great group camping trip of the summer only to realize that fall is really here. it was obvious in the woods this weekend, it got dark so early and i was chilled during the night; glad to have someone to snuggle up to when i got cold.

on our way home yesterday i commented again on the shorter and shorter days and the turning leaves all while we made plans for things like stew and football and movies and winter things. of course when it's in the 90s it doesn't feel so much fall and we'll likely still sneak out for a few more camping weekends before we have to switch to cozy inns at the beach.

mmmm, great winter brews and cozy blankets, snuggling - all good fall things.

this morning i took my first fall shower (the one where it's still dark when i look out the window) and it was cold in the bathroom even though i knew it would be a hot day. it might be my favorite season made extra special this year by people and things around me.

making fall plans is enough to get me through any work week.

things i've lost

this week.

• my favorite hair brush
• a chocolate bar
• my cell phone

for some reason i think i might be under a lot of stress, that's the only way i can explain this as i never lose things.

nope, still nothing

i'm finally back from vacation and whatnot. in town just this week and then out and about for the next two.

i still don't have anything to share here. if this were an anonymous blog and you were all readers who didn't know me or anything about me, i'd have plenty to say but b/c of our circumstances i'm blank.

i'm toying with the idea of retiring this thing all together. all things must come to an end.

i'll let you know what i decide.

until then, this is me, signing off.

see you in september

i've had a hard time getting it up for the blog lately as i'm just trying to get through life. i've been busy. doing things. taking many adventures (all captured on film by the fabulous boy). but i haven't been able to make time for this space lately. b/c really it's about making time. thinking of something to write. remembering a moment as a blog post. i could tell you stories. oh, i could tell you stories from the last few months. so many things have happened. i hurt myself quite badly last weekend - that's a story. an ex got married. his ex's appearance. my family's coming to visit. i've seen more of OR in the last 3 months than i'd seen in the entire 3 years i've lived here. i have wonderful new people in my life. an old friend came to visit. so many stories. but none experienced with the blog in mind. i'm hoarding them for me.

i'm taking a life vacation for the next two weeks. spending one whole week exploring the southern oregon coast with the boy. and then enjoying summer here in the city.

hoping that the time away from work and obligations will somehow reinvigorate me to write on this blog. i've loved it for so long, it's been such a great outlet for me.

hopefully the writing will return when i return. see you in september.

the saddest face

dear sad face,

um, dude. it was her birthday. any chance you could've mustered up a smile or something?

i mean we'd never met before and hopefully we'll never meet again. and i realize that maybe your features are part of the reason for your sorrowful look. but seriously, we were out celebrating! i spent most of the time wanting to punch you b/c you just looked so lame and sad.

now maybe you could blame it on the poor service we received at that restaurant. i mean, it WAS a total disaster. but i was just mostly mad, definitely not sad and neither was any of the other 20 friends sitting at the table.

sad man, i already decided that i don't like you. if i met you on a playground and i was still 10, i'd probably trip you.

so hoping to never see you again,

the link

ps - i think your wife is kind of whiney.

fat girl, little pants

i knew i'd put on a couple pounds since the boy and i started hanging around. what can i say, we both love beer. but, it's never a good sign when you slip into your favorite work pants only to discover that they're a little tight in the thighs. and you spend your entire crazy, stressful event hoping that the lining doesn't rip.

time to quit eating (cuz i'm not giving up beer...)

just what you wanted to hear as an update.

probably not my new bff

the first time i met her, she completely brushed me off but i'd hoped in that instance that it was due to circumstances not due to something that probably had nothing to do with me, but had already been decided by her.

that first night, she came over, greeted me, shook my hand and then promptly went and sat at another table with someone else she knew. we talked about it briefly in the days that followed, when he mentioned that it was odd and i mentioned that i was disappointed that i hadn't had a chance to talk to her. it was a brief conversation and i didn't think of it again until the time weeks later when we ran into her out and about.

the disdain for me was painfully obvious in the second interaction. we'd caught she and another friend completely off guard - driving by the place where they were and just happening to see them inside; we decided to stop. other girl was thrilled to see me, to meet me and gave me a hug when we walked in, but she mentioned that she thought we'd met? (as if she didn't remember) and wet fish shook my hand. as i have a habit of doing, i just sat down and started chatting as if there was nothing funny about the situation, but as the evening wore on her dislike for me became more apparent. at one point during the evening, she leaned over to new girl and they started whispering. i know it's vain to think it was about me, but somehow i just knew it was. as if she was testing me, seeing how i might respond, seeing what new girl thought of me.

new girl reached out to me, invited me to do things i couldn't and tried to override her, but in the end i was left with the feeling that she doesn't like me.

i can come up with a million reasons in my mind why she might not care for me (loyalty, jealousy, other -ys) but mostly i was just hurt that someone who'd never even had a conversation with me had already tried and judged me.

at the end of the night she limply hugged me goodbye, i guess that's a start, right?

#####

as you can tell, i've taken a new turn here. no longer a dating blog (b/c there's nothing to tell there), i'm enjoying chronicling interactions with people both in the past and present.

don't worry, i'll still regale you with tales of my foolishness in life and dating (when they become available), but right now i'm enjoying painting anonymous portraits of people i interact with.

happy long weekend, my innernets!

a little bit fuzzy

lately i've taken to going out on a saturday morning (or sometimes other mornings) and getting from point a to point b without putting in my contacts or wearing my glasses. (note: i'm always walking, i don't drive without my eyes in.)

my eyes aren't horrible and i, for a brief time, like the haziness or it all; like the world's a bit muted. i like that i can watch the world in big giant blobs of color, appreciating the bright green on the trees, but not the individual leaves; the person walking their dog, knowing they're wearing a red top but having no idea if it's a man or a woman, a fleece or a t-shirt.

once i arrive at my destination, everything becomes clear again (b/c i'm close) but for a few moments i enjoy feeling anonymous b/c nothing in my life is clear.

just thursday morning ramblings...

and then he called me the "g" word

i already knew i liked him. somehow in the course of three or four dates, i went from thinking he's was an interesting and likeable guy to knowing that i really, really liked him. i liked the way his eyes danced when he was telling a funny story or how he pursed his lips together when he was thinking. i liked the way he would gently touch my back when he came up behind me and how he'd caress my knee when we were driving places in his car. i also knew that many women (and sometimes even i) hate these gestures, the feeling that you are property, being owned, that he was branding you a bit with his touch. i'd done it before, shied away from any public physical contact, hated that others felt it was their right to touch me in public as if i were just that, a piece of property. with him it was different, i longed for that touch and when moments or hours went by without it, i craved it, wanted more of it, couldn't get enough of it.



i also liked that he made me laugh almost as often as he made me think; how we could have a heated discussion in one moment and then be laughing so hard that i had tears streaming down my face in the next. he had style and i'd always enjoyed dating men who had style (of any kind). i loved that we could be sitting amongst a crowd of people and i'd forget that there was anyone there besides us - we'd start chatting about something and the distinct objects and people around us would suddenly fade and become blurry.



i found it charming how he always seemed like he had to work up his courage to ask me to do anything in the future, even after we'd been dating awhile, as if he was concerned that i might say no. and when asked about it, he told me that women had had a problem with it in the past, saying he was trying to control the relationship. maybe i'd see it that way at some point in the future, but in that moment i loved that he took control always dreaming up some great adventure for us to take.



and it was on one of those great adventures that it happened, the "g" word. he'd called me his girlfriend, not just his girlfriend though his "smokin' hot girlfriend" which i suppose was completely fitting seeing as how we were huddled around a fire that later caught my shoe on fire. i hadn't been anyone's anything for a very long time and while the title (and all that may or may not go along with it) kind of scared me, i also thought it might fit. so i decided to try it on for size, wear it around for awhile, see where it took me. and secretly hoped (with all of my girly hopes) that it would take me somewhere good.

i'd have to wait to see where we'd land....


(to be continued)

not really my type

as she came in and sat down across from me, i could already tell that we weren't meant to be bffs, but as the evening wore on it became apparent that i was going to have to get over myself in order to make this work.

when we'd first arrived, she wasn't there yet - just two other couples (who, for the most part i adored) - laughter and overall fun was the name of the game with with this group and then, then they arrived.

i'm not even sure we were officially introduced and i actually only know her husband's name, but i know if i'm to be part of this group, this won't be the last time i see her.

she is exactly the type of girl i love to hate. she spent the night flipping her hair and adjusting her strapless bra. her pink fake nails and too much touching just turned me off and yet at the same time i couldn't help but continue to watch the interaction like it was a train wreck. i spent a good hunk of time being thankful that i can't wear a strapless bra as i feel like all i ever see women do is adjust those things, but mostly i was just annoyed by her. her insecurities, the way she kept having to touch her husband's hair (probably to remind him that she was still there). i later learned that they often fight and then leave situations (i'm guessing due to her over-protective/ insecure actions or maybe a form of forplay i just don't understand).

the thing is, if she's been relaxed and confident she probably would've been like the other two wives/ girlfriends, but she wasn't. and because of that i don't like her; she just rubs me the wrong way, definitely not my type.

if i'd like this to continue, i'll need to bite my tongue and try to find common ground. hmmm, maybe that's why i haven't been looking for new friends.