the worst kind of alone

just like everything that's in my head and my heart right now, i put myself here. into the complete aloneness. i have to be here right now, i have to figure out what to do next and how to fix what's broken, what's wrong. for the first time in my entire life, i'm choosing not to repeatedly discuss over and over with each and every one of you what i'm dealing with. instead, i'm closing you all off, shutting down until i can figure out what i should do, what i should say.

i'm fine. i'll be fine. because i have to be fine. i don't allow myself another choice. i'll make something work that will fix this and maybe i'll tell you about it one day but i probably won't.

for the record, my health is fine (knock on wood), no one has died and i still have my job.

i've been out and about, but only with people who don't know me well enough to ask questions. when you ask me how i am, i tear up and tell you i won't talk about it - they don't ask, they don't know to ask. i prefer it that way.

i'm perfecting the art of blending in, of being silent. when alone in my car (where i was a lot the past few days) i've even learned to sing quietly. i used to sing at the top of my lungs.

this weekend i had the opportunity to forget for a moment, but when i closed my eyes to sleep it all came back to me.

the only one i can count on is myself. i got myself in and i'll get myself out.