weighty issues

i don't do much real talking about me on this site - there's not a real need to. i prefer to keep it to things i see or feel but i've been toying with this post for a long time now and a recent turn of events has this back on my mind in even fuller force.



i'm not a skinny girl, i prefer to be described as curvy. i will never be a skinny girl, believe me, i've tried. i've dabbled with eating disorders (like nearly every woman of my generation) multiple times in my life. amazing results, really. i've been shocked by the positive feedback i've received every time i've slimmed down to a size 2 or size 0, meanwhile i'm starving myself and no one seems to notice. it's no wonder we love these things (eating disorders), positive reinforcement for being positively unhealthy, way to go society, way to perpetuate a major issue. in fact, i'd probably be in some sort of wacky nicole richie state of affairs if it weren't for a great college boyfriend who once told me that if i lost one more pound he was checking me into a clinic PERIOD end of story. there are very few people who will call you out on your shit and make you listen and while we haven't dated in years this action probably explains why he is still someone i consider a dear friend some 10 years later.



currently, i need to lose some weight, it's true. all of my travel this year has allowed me to pack on about 7 pounds that i don't need on my 5'2" frame. 5 lbs on me, is enough to make me chunkier and curvier than i should be and i know it. i work out when i can, i eat healthy when i can and i will slim down when i can.



another thing i know about me...i'm not gorgeous, never will be. no one in my entire life will ever describe me as gorgeous, because frankly i'm not. cute yes, gorgeous, no. it's just not me. believe me, i want to me an 89 lb waify, gorgeous something but with this rack, it ain't gonna happen. let's just leave it at that.



i struggle with my weight each and every day of my life. i struggle with my looks each and every day of my life. every single day of my entire adult life, i have gotten up and criticized every single thing about my looks, weight, body, life, etc. it's literally part of who i am. it's definitely part of who i will always be. my body image issues have held me back from having many successful relationships and god knows what else in my life. i allow the mirror to completely deplete my ability to accept that i deserve something better. i know it and i still do it.



rarely do other people feed into my own issues and for that i am thankful. i have ex-friend who i used to call the first person to give the worst compliment, "oh link, sometimes i forget you can be pretty" was one of her best and most frequent lines. i think it was intended as a compliment, but never quite came out that way. she's an ex-friend b/c of many reasons, but obviously i don't need some to remind me that i'm apparently just not pretty enough. enough said.



these days, i sometimes hang out with a guy who initially intimidated the shit out of me b/c he is truly a beautiful man. i spent the first 5 or 6 times i hung out with him literally laughing my ass off b/c i honestly thought that there was no way that this person could want anything to do with a chunky little blondie like me. i built him up in my mind to be someone he was not, is not. we've all got our baggage, he's got his too and in the end it probably balances out. don't think i don't still wonder what the heck i'm doing hanging out with this guy - he should probably hang with some 23-year old skinny, not me.



women are incredibly catty people, i think all of us want something we cannot have and i think we sometimes say mean things out of jealousy or god knows what drives us to be evil, evil people but i try to save my friends from my criticism of other women. i want to be anyone i'm not. i think all of my girlfriends are beautiful in their own way and would never want them to feel that i didn't think so, but apparently they don't all feel the same for me. in telling a "friend" about above companion, she remarked that "you're lucky he is able to look past the physical, because you're cute and all, but...". but what? you think i'm some sort of fat ass, who doesn't deserve to date an attractive man? is that what you really think of me?

because if it is? i don't need it. and i don't need you. i spend enough of my days berating myself, i don't need your help. i'm doing the best i can to be the best that i can and if you can't support that, then i can no longer support our friendship.


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