i said i would, but i didn't

i promised to write something while i was readjusting to the old u-s-of-a, but i couldn't bring myself to think that much while i was sleeping and reading and working on my house.

i promise something is forthcoming, but for now...

i'm sorry,
i can't,
don't hate me.

72 hours

i shot up in my bed at 5AM barcelona time with a smile on my face - 72 hours until i'll be in my portland bed.

it's been a great run, but i'm ready for it to be over. i might lock my door and snuggle in my house until december.

but i promise to post at least once, i've got a funny story to share.

see you stateside....

a working girl in london

a few things to note about actually working in london:

• last night i got to have a true working london experience wherein i went out to the local pub for drinks with my co-workers. i learned today that the pub has been open since the 1300s and the city is threatening to shut it down so locals are signing an online petition.
• in said pub, if i even set my drink down for a moment they would take it away from me - i lost 3 3/4 full beers this way.
• i went with two colleagues around the corner to have take out burgers. trying to be healthy, i ordered a chicken burger (if for nothing else than to get away from beef for a moment), when i opened it up, it was a friend chicken burger, completely negating my one healthy choice!
• many of my colleagues in this office are two finger typers - is it just me or is that weird?

foreign soda

i'm in london now, having arrived yesterday to work with my colleagues in this office for a few days. i'm pretty much in love with them and have already asked them if i can stay.

but there's one teeny tiny problem - the sodas. the sodas here are stored in a vending machine. you order them by number but don't pay.

2 issues w/ vending machine sodas in london:

1) they come out kind of shaken up so "mind the spray"
2) for some reason when you drink out of them you kind of get the distinct smell of dirty gym sock feet, not so good.

crisp update, day 2

today i tried prawn cocktail crisps - they are quite delicious with not even a hint of prawn. i'd strongly recommend, more like sea salt and vinegar than prawn cocktail. even better than chicken chips. yum!

reflections

stream of consciousness resulting from too much time in my head...

confession: i think i should've married the first guy who was going to ask me (nearly 8 years ago now).



in this year of travel (i've spent over 1/4 of this calendar year away from my home, no wonder i feel as though i'm no longer living my life), i've had countless hours of time to reflect on my life the choices i've made and where i've landed.



i'm not really sure why i've ended up where i have. i mean, obviously, it all points back to the choices i've made and at the end of the day all points to my biggest fear, losing my independence and sense of self. but essentially in all this managing and changing and pushing people away, i've managed to lose myself anyway.



so here i am, pushing 30, both young and old at the same time, with nothing to show for myself but hundreds of thousands of frequent flyer miles, lots of men in my past and lots o' shoes. not really who i wanted to be.



sure, if i'd chosen to marry that man, i'd probably have the white picket fence and 2.5 children right now, but i also just might have a partner who shared most of my interests, was willing to try new things, and loved me enough to look past all of my fatal flaws - at least until they were the death to our relationship. and maybe, maybe i didn't have to feel the pressure to get pregnant immediately, and maybe if i'd just said it, he would've respected my decision to not be ready to get married at 22. maybe we could've been great, but when i figured out the ring was coming, i felt trapped and twisted and squirmed until i got out and said goodbye.



since then, i've had a string of ambitious jobs, overall crappy and unfilling relationships with many men that i thought i loved and maybe wanted to love but didn't. i'm not even sure if i loved mr. marry me. in fact, who knows if i even know how to love, i've started to think that maybe that's my issue, that i am 100% incapable of loving anyone but myself. gosh, what an attractive trait (not).



i've spent the last year not living my life and feeling as if i might end up alone, as if that might be my penance for all the things and people that have hurt me and that i've hurt in my life.

not really the way i want to live...

tastes like chicken...

i just had a bag of roasted chicken flavored crisps (that's chips for those of you in the US). i thought they would be nasty, but were suprisingly tasty with only a hint of chicken.

don't know if we'll ever see these in the states...

notes from the road: barcelona

after 20 some odd hours of traveling, i arrived in barcelona early yesterday morning, local time. i'm here for a couple of events but will be detouring to london later this week. i'm hoping to be in my house in time for thanksgiving.

i'm currently sitting in a lime green conference center where they are piping in ambient techno music 24 hours a day (it's quite strange at 7AM). most interesting is to watch the people around you. a conference buddy and i (someone i see on the road a lot) keep laughing b/c we'll suddenly catch ourselves completely distracted bobbing our heads or tapping our pant legs in time with the music. it's an unusual event for sure.

in other news, highlights of my trip so far include:

• a truly princess di moment in a taxi cab yesterday - if i'm ever to die in a firey taxi cab crash it will be here, in barcelona.
• a delicious dinner at pla - last night. gastro-porn, for sure.
• seeing carmindy in the bathroom at the newark airport. don't worry, it wasn't under some unusual senatorial, foot tapping, toilet paper confusion (wrong airport, i know, but i still wondered) but when i looked up and realized who was washing her hands next to me, i nearly squealed - a celeb siting to me for sure.

i'll give you some other updates from this trip as soon as i have more to say.

UPDATE:

2 things:

1) the so called paper towels in the restrooms are the consistency of kleenex which makes for kind of messy hand drying.

2) i just ate the "vegetarian fajitas" for lunch. they were actually black bean burritos covered with tomato sauce. hmmm? i prefer all the delcious carpaccio i've been eating.

and another...an attractive spanish man, driving a cart of fresh croissants just winked at me...le sigh.