a little bit lost

sunday morning when i knew i was heading home, i could hardly contain my excitement about returning to pdx. by monday evening the thrill had completely gone away replaced by a melancholy aloneness that i'm not sure i can totally describe.

i want to be in my house and in my current geographical home, but i have no idea what to do with myself when i'm here. having been gone for a good portion of the last 4 or 5 months has completely isolated me from the few friends i have here and on monday evening when i realized that not one person had completely changed their plans/ dropped everything just because i was back in town, the only thing i could think of wanting to do was leave again. at least in another city i can be completely anonymous and it's not weird to me that i know not a single person or that it's another saturday night and i'm sitting in a hotel alone. how do i explain this here?

i don't really think i'm meant to be alone, i'm not sure any of us are. i generally love being alone and i pride myself on my independence and my ability to be comfortable alone, but secretly i sometimes doubt that i am ever comfortable being alone -maybe i'm just a decent actor secretly waiting for someone to come rescue me from my solitude. my overall fear of being alone would explain why i reckless jump into every relationship i have and my fear of being too needy, too dependent is the reason why i never completely open myself up to anything. god forbid i would ever be "that girl". instead i try to make square pegs fit into round holes or some such analogy but never really open up to change.

i have some decisions to make in the next months and for the first time in my life i'm a little bit scared to make them.

i guess i'm glad to be home, but i don't like feeling lost...

i'm coming home!!!

i woke up this morning and couldn't wait to get to the airport (unfortunately, i had an entire day to kill before i could make the trek). i've been away from my home and my friends and other important things for 10 days this time and i'm more than antsy to get home.

now i'm sitting in the san diego airport just mere hours from my doorstep. i'm not headed into my office until wednesday and i'm going to home for 5 weeks! the longest i've been home since last october...i'm coming home!

guess i'm older than i thought

yesterday on my plane ride down to san diego (yep, you guessed it, i'm out of town AGAIN!) i read a fascinating (read: ridiculous) article on the disappearance of hollywood's underwear. hopefully, all of you have actually had your television on or looked on your computer or maybe checked out people magazine in the last six months and you're aware of the increasingly frequent spotting of hollywood's naked bits.

things i learned from the article:

• everyone's doing it - they had quotes from seemingly half of hollywood
• you need to be perfectly groomed "not one hair out of place" to do it with a body skimming gown
• it's better than the whale tail, but may cause problems with tight jeans
• only women over 40 are still wearing underwear - which i guess means that i'm so square it's hard for me to get out of a box.

the key quote? "if you want to up the ante, lose the panty"

b/c seriously this is where we're at and also possibly what this blog has become.