a little bit lost

sunday morning when i knew i was heading home, i could hardly contain my excitement about returning to pdx. by monday evening the thrill had completely gone away replaced by a melancholy aloneness that i'm not sure i can totally describe.

i want to be in my house and in my current geographical home, but i have no idea what to do with myself when i'm here. having been gone for a good portion of the last 4 or 5 months has completely isolated me from the few friends i have here and on monday evening when i realized that not one person had completely changed their plans/ dropped everything just because i was back in town, the only thing i could think of wanting to do was leave again. at least in another city i can be completely anonymous and it's not weird to me that i know not a single person or that it's another saturday night and i'm sitting in a hotel alone. how do i explain this here?

i don't really think i'm meant to be alone, i'm not sure any of us are. i generally love being alone and i pride myself on my independence and my ability to be comfortable alone, but secretly i sometimes doubt that i am ever comfortable being alone -maybe i'm just a decent actor secretly waiting for someone to come rescue me from my solitude. my overall fear of being alone would explain why i reckless jump into every relationship i have and my fear of being too needy, too dependent is the reason why i never completely open myself up to anything. god forbid i would ever be "that girl". instead i try to make square pegs fit into round holes or some such analogy but never really open up to change.

i have some decisions to make in the next months and for the first time in my life i'm a little bit scared to make them.

i guess i'm glad to be home, but i don't like feeling lost...