a little bit fuzzy

lately i've taken to going out on a saturday morning (or sometimes other mornings) and getting from point a to point b without putting in my contacts or wearing my glasses. (note: i'm always walking, i don't drive without my eyes in.)

my eyes aren't horrible and i, for a brief time, like the haziness or it all; like the world's a bit muted. i like that i can watch the world in big giant blobs of color, appreciating the bright green on the trees, but not the individual leaves; the person walking their dog, knowing they're wearing a red top but having no idea if it's a man or a woman, a fleece or a t-shirt.

once i arrive at my destination, everything becomes clear again (b/c i'm close) but for a few moments i enjoy feeling anonymous b/c nothing in my life is clear.

just thursday morning ramblings...

and then he called me the "g" word

i already knew i liked him. somehow in the course of three or four dates, i went from thinking he's was an interesting and likeable guy to knowing that i really, really liked him. i liked the way his eyes danced when he was telling a funny story or how he pursed his lips together when he was thinking. i liked the way he would gently touch my back when he came up behind me and how he'd caress my knee when we were driving places in his car. i also knew that many women (and sometimes even i) hate these gestures, the feeling that you are property, being owned, that he was branding you a bit with his touch. i'd done it before, shied away from any public physical contact, hated that others felt it was their right to touch me in public as if i were just that, a piece of property. with him it was different, i longed for that touch and when moments or hours went by without it, i craved it, wanted more of it, couldn't get enough of it.



i also liked that he made me laugh almost as often as he made me think; how we could have a heated discussion in one moment and then be laughing so hard that i had tears streaming down my face in the next. he had style and i'd always enjoyed dating men who had style (of any kind). i loved that we could be sitting amongst a crowd of people and i'd forget that there was anyone there besides us - we'd start chatting about something and the distinct objects and people around us would suddenly fade and become blurry.



i found it charming how he always seemed like he had to work up his courage to ask me to do anything in the future, even after we'd been dating awhile, as if he was concerned that i might say no. and when asked about it, he told me that women had had a problem with it in the past, saying he was trying to control the relationship. maybe i'd see it that way at some point in the future, but in that moment i loved that he took control always dreaming up some great adventure for us to take.



and it was on one of those great adventures that it happened, the "g" word. he'd called me his girlfriend, not just his girlfriend though his "smokin' hot girlfriend" which i suppose was completely fitting seeing as how we were huddled around a fire that later caught my shoe on fire. i hadn't been anyone's anything for a very long time and while the title (and all that may or may not go along with it) kind of scared me, i also thought it might fit. so i decided to try it on for size, wear it around for awhile, see where it took me. and secretly hoped (with all of my girly hopes) that it would take me somewhere good.

i'd have to wait to see where we'd land....


(to be continued)

not really my type

as she came in and sat down across from me, i could already tell that we weren't meant to be bffs, but as the evening wore on it became apparent that i was going to have to get over myself in order to make this work.

when we'd first arrived, she wasn't there yet - just two other couples (who, for the most part i adored) - laughter and overall fun was the name of the game with with this group and then, then they arrived.

i'm not even sure we were officially introduced and i actually only know her husband's name, but i know if i'm to be part of this group, this won't be the last time i see her.

she is exactly the type of girl i love to hate. she spent the night flipping her hair and adjusting her strapless bra. her pink fake nails and too much touching just turned me off and yet at the same time i couldn't help but continue to watch the interaction like it was a train wreck. i spent a good hunk of time being thankful that i can't wear a strapless bra as i feel like all i ever see women do is adjust those things, but mostly i was just annoyed by her. her insecurities, the way she kept having to touch her husband's hair (probably to remind him that she was still there). i later learned that they often fight and then leave situations (i'm guessing due to her over-protective/ insecure actions or maybe a form of forplay i just don't understand).

the thing is, if she's been relaxed and confident she probably would've been like the other two wives/ girlfriends, but she wasn't. and because of that i don't like her; she just rubs me the wrong way, definitely not my type.

if i'd like this to continue, i'll need to bite my tongue and try to find common ground. hmmm, maybe that's why i haven't been looking for new friends.

turned tables

no, not turn tables (as in dj as in records as in spinning), turned tables. when did the tables turn?



sometime in the past couple years, i noticed a strange shift in the endings to my relationships. maybe it was always this way and the most recent evidence brought it to light or maybe... maybe i have no idea.



what i do know is that i've had all of these weird break-ups/ non-break-ups lately (lately as in the past couple years). (yep, keeping it real here, keeping it a real dating blog). wherein these guys i'm dating or have been out on one date with or who i've never even dated at all (maybe just shared an email or a phone call or something) totally freak out on me when i tell them i'm just not that into them.



now, i've not read "he's just not that into you" although i hear there's a movie version coming out soon - i'll probably see that and let you know, but i do know that if i really think about it, i've never been caught off guard or thought that something was going on in a relationship that wasn't. meaning that even if i didn't want to see it at the time, there were always signs that he was over me or not into me and believe me, i'm good at giving those same signs. um, like when i maybe don't return your call/email/text for days on end when i had previously or when i'm suddenly cancelling plans or unavailable at previously available times? that's not b/c i suddenly decided to play a mean game of hard to get, it's b/c i've decided that i'm not that into you. and while i will always give you the full on, honest i'm just not that into you break-up/ non-break-up, please stop pretending that either a) you had no idea this was coming or b) that you were never into me either. (i realize some of you may argue that i'm not so good at the full-on, honest break-up as evidenced by my frequent use of email as god's gift to daters, but i do eventually end all things that need to be ended and i'm not usually too subtle about it either).



here's the thing: i'm a 30-something who has dated one or two people in my life so i'm pretty good at the dating game and picking up on the clues (read: good at the dating game as in i've been on a lot of dates. see all previous posts for evidence on how i'm maybe not so good at the actual dating stuff) so i guess i just don't get how any one person could be caught so off guard by the end to a relationship that never happened?

innnernets? discuss.

(Author's note: i've been sick and not left my home for two days while my head nearly exploded with goop. i'm sure when i orginally started this post, i had much more to say on the subject matter but then i went and saw SATC the movie and got all carrie on you plus i have this other post that i really want to write. and so, in conclusion, you get what you get, okay? don't say i never write here anymore, k? - end rant/ author's note)

random people interactions

since we don't talk about dating here anymore (dating? who's dating?), thought it would be fun to share a couple random people interactions i've had this week.

1. SCD (sketchy cab driver) - leaving for the airport sunday am before 5AM, got in a cab w/ SCD. this guy spent our entire cab ride detailing sketchy business transactions and drunken nights with the "loan girls" from his recent trip to idaho. i secretly wanted to shout "dude, it's 5AM, i'm still half asleep and do you really, REALLY want to share the details of your seemingly illegal business deals and prostitutes?" instead i shut my mouth and pretended to be interested.
2. HBB (head bag banger) - nearly lost my head on the airplane when HBB behind me got so anxious to get her bag in the not full overhead bin that she whacked me in the head (hard!) with the wheel on her carry-on. when i turned around and glared she seemed confused. my thought? why are we always pushing to get on a plane and sit in our seats (unless in 1st class) when we are just going to be crunched like tuna in a can for the next 5 hours. settle down and wait, we'll find something to do with your piece o' shite bag.
3. CC2 (Chevy Chase 2) - went to dinner with some colleagues the other night and was accosted by a chevy chase look alike. seriously, this guy was chevy chase from vacation and his kids could've passed for the red-necked brother's kids in that movie. highlights that came out of his mouth. "you work w/ {company i work for}? do you work with cords?" now any of you who know what i do, know that said company does not work in cords (it's a household name). and another: "what i think you ladies should do is head on back to your hotel and get yourself a male masseuse. i always tell my wife to get one." (this while hitting on the woman next to him, for the whole dinner - her husband was sitting two people down). believe me, CC2 was a real gem - we're still talking about him.

quote of the week (by she who will not be named): "first i saw the space shuttle and then i got a hummer!"

yep, heading back to the pdx for a month tomorrow. more scintillating tales later...