where my head is

this here blog has completely fallen by the way side; it's not where my head is right now. a month or so ago i actually drafted a post about how i wasn't going to blog in this space anymore, how i'd lost sight of why i started this thing and how i'd just started writing here for the sake of entertaining my readers. it's still saved as a draft...meaning, i'm not going to take this down yet. in the meantime, my posts may be sporadic while i'm figuring out how i want to use this space and for what.

a few things are going on with me right now. 1) i'm coming off the last weekend i will in town for a month, 2) i'm focusing, seriously focusing, on some people around me and they need the space and time that i have to give, 3) frankly, i have nothing newsworthy to report.

i'm going to spend the majority of the next month traveling and also hoping that it doesn't destroy or ruin or significantly alter any relationships in the process. to all of you, please accept my sincerest apologies - i cannot keep up with all of you right now and i want to and i think of you and i hope you are well, but i just can't. i also can't keep traveling like this, can't keep walking in and out of my own life - it's no way to be. my job must stay as it is and for the most part that travel is acceptable (additionally, there is the dangling carrot that travel will be decreasing in the next few months. jan.-mar. will always be my busiest months as long as i stayed employed here). but i can control the amount of travel that other activities i am involved with require and it has become clear to me that those things must end. if i'm going to travel outside of work, i want it to be for me to places i want to go to be with people i want to see. i'm holding on to one teeny tiny piece of this volunteer job, the part that i like. but the fact that it is taking me out of town for the next two weekends is enough to push me to the other side. i'm not a quitter, but this one i'm going to have to quit.

when i first moved to pdx, i used to tell people that i refused to travel back to seattle as often as was requested b/c i was dedicated to making a life for myself here. that first year, i missed so many things that related to my old friends and my old life and i really wanted to be there, but also knew i needed to be here. now i feel like i'm doing just that; avoiding being here, avoiding being anywhere b/c being somewhere makes me vulnerable and open to potential hurt, but also maybe open to good things. as much as i sometimes hate to admit it, my five year plan is based around five years in portland and if that's going to work for me, i need to be here.

i'm going to spend free time in the next few weeks working on calling when the easy thing is texting, working to figure out how to make room for all the things that currently make me smile, responding to your emails even though that means i have to look at my computer when i'm not working and generally making room in my life.

i'll post here when i can OR the next time i happen to eat shit in a public forum. it's my three week accident free anniversary tomorrow!