fortunate fortune

in the week leading up to major travel, i always have lunch brought in every day. today was chinese food and i couldn't have asked for a more apropos fortune in my cookie...

"While you're carrying a grudge, others are out dancing."

i taped it to my computer monitor so i can remember.

ps - i'm leaving again tomorrow.

so incredibly self-centered...

that i'm probably about to spontaneously combust. just by being me.

yesterday i allowed someone else's actions to maybe make me not feel so good about myself so today i wore a smokin' hot dress to work b/c i knew people would tell me i looked cute. and today, my friends, i need to hear that i look cute/ smokin' hot/ whatevs.

my work friends always make me feel good about myself and today i needed them to do that. i just stopped by one of my work friends cubicles for the required compliment (under the guise of dropping something off, okay really i did have something work-related to drop off) and she's not even here to give me the obligatory compliment - wtf?!

b/c really folks, that's what got under my skin today...yep, me, so incredibly self-centered.

i think there's a song about me, "your so vain..."

a duck in the city

somehow a mama duck and her baby got themselves into the middle lane of traffic on the interstate during rush hour this morning. i saw them frantically trying to weave their way through the fast moving traffic and in my rearview mirror a semi truck hitting the baby while the mother fluttered out of the way.

i can't speak to her fate, but i wonder if ducks mourn losses the way we do...

it made me sad.

strawberries

sorry in advance for the randomness of this post - it's pure stream of consciousness...

i threw my morning completely out of whack today just by adding strawberries to my breakfast smoothie. i was trying to use up some fresh strawberries and mixed them with my frozen berries and suddenly everything was out of whack - my smoothie was too sweet and not as thick as it usually is and...hmmm, something's not good.

it's funny how that's the thing that threw me into a tizzy. yesterday wasn't exactly great - too little sleep, too much wine and fun on sunday night led to a misstep in my week's kick-off but somehow i didn't feel completely out of whack in my monday fog.

it's fascinating the things that affect me.

i was in LA last week for a few days and have been formulating a blog post in my mind ever since i returned. out for drinks with a friend the other night, he asked me what the blog post would be knowing full well that the wheels in my little head were turning thinking of what statement i wanted to make and why. another friend reminded me of the bloggers syndrome - the whole idea that every encounter must result in a blog post and therefore you begin looking at your entire being as a story you will tell online - i try not to do it anymore, but i definitely have. now i just stick to the random minutiae of my life or other such silliness.

i wanted to blog about these girls that i had lunch with in lala. it was a business meeting that turned into a "my story about dating at our age" discussion. the moral of the story? dating in LA is worse than dating here...i think. two gorgeous gals telling me about the actors and the insecurities and the need to drive a mercedes and i'm thinking well at least i don't have to weed through all of that.

for a minute i could see myself living in LA, except for the part where i had to maneuver my SUV across the millions of lanes of traffic on every highway. everyone i talked to said they don't commute more than an hour - my commute's that bad often enough. it was sunny and friendly and fashionable and for a second i thought about LA. then i remembered that i already have days when i don't feel good about myself - i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, make enough money, etc. i don't need a ginormous city to tell me i'm not good enough everyday.

and so today, pdx wins.

a charming weekend

do you ever have one of those weekends that's just unexpectedly delightful for no apparent reason? i just had one.

it included things like sitting on my deck in the sun reading a book, riding my bicycle to meet some girls for drinks and riding back home in the dark, laying in my bed listening to the rain through the open windows, random errand chasing/aimless driving on 82nd - where no one wants to be, a great flick, some me time, and a sunday filled with a great run, some new friends and wine in the afternoon. nothing says charming like hours of conversation and needing to take a nap at 5PM on sunday.

i'm off to LA for a quick moment tomorrow...

the world may be coming to an end

here's why:

in the last six months i have embraced three things that i have been vehemently opposed to for the last 3 years, i'm pretty sure my levels are out of whack.

• in late october, knowing i was heading to munich for an extended work trip, i kind of freaked out about some tv i might miss. tv people! i freaked out about missing tv! so in an effort to remedy this situation, i added dvr to my cable line-up. i'm ashamed to admit that i love the dvr. i love it b/c i'm also strongly opposed to using television as an excuse to miss anything and refused to do it, but then would feel disappointed when i missed a show i like. now, i never ever watch real tv anymore and i also never miss any shows that i like. i actually don't think i've upped my tv watching (as i feared might happen) instead i think i watch less b/c everything takes less time without the commercials.
• for the past 4 years, i've been stealing internet from my neighbors (sorry guys, but i had to do it). i didn't want to pay for something i could get for free. it's pretty much how i felt during the napster phase right up to the point where i got scared that i was going to get caught for the 1000s of songs i'd downloaded illegally. i spent most of my so-called xmas vacation dragging my mom from coffee shop to portland coffee shop b/c i couldn't get a good connection at home to do the work i needed to do so in february i sucked it up and purchased at home internet. i now have all access all the time. yikes!
• yesterday, i bit the bullet and joined the ranks of netflix. shite! i'll probably never leave my house again now that i have movies being delivered to my door (did i mention that i recently started having organic fruits and vegetables delivered too?!)

so pretty much i have no reason to leave my house now - internet, dvr, netflix, food, etc.

this is a little bit of a sad, sad day. next thing you know i'll finally breakdown and purchase the smartphone that really is necessary for my job and all normal communication will cease immediately.

don't say i didn't warn you...

headache heartache

maybe, maybe not. i've had a headache for the last two days - the really unbearable kind as in i've been mere moments from a migraine since tuesday. technically i'm blaming it on the fact that i neglected to take my magnesium supplement (also known as the thing that's saved me from having frequent migraines for the past year) for the three nights prior to the onset.

i'm guessing i can also blame it on a few other things. i've had a lot on my mind during those few days - considering my interactions with people, realizing i may have let my friends and my talking determine how i reacted to a situation instead of looking within myself to better understand how i wanted to react to the situation.

i talk about everything with my girlfriends. it's the only way i know how to process my own thoughts. i rarely come to conclusions on my own without first running through every scenario with at least 2-3 confidantes. i'm not a risk taker with my emotions, every move overly calculated and thought out. i never open myself up to heartache, vulnerability or anything that might actually matter. it's safer that way. it's probably also a recipe for being alone.

there's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" where meg ryan talks about how there's one person who brings out the absolute worst in her and the meanest things come out of her mouth when interacting with him, things she would never say and she doesn't know why it happens with him. the character is tom hanks and in the end she ends up with him. but this meg ryan character has been me the past few weeks. i know i have the venom of a cobra when i feel cornered and trapped but in the last week plus, i've lashed out at the same person so many times that it may have gotten to the point of inexcusability - in fact, i may have permanently altered the relationship. i could blame this on some many things - my discomfort with being here and not being here, other changes, etc. but the reality is for some reason i've taken to stinging this person repeatedly and no matter what they've done to deserve it, no one deserves that. this is the internet mea culpa.

speaking of heartache, i've been thinking a lot about seattle this past week and whether moving back there now (or ever) is really going to be the right choice for me anymore. sometimes i think it might be like the year that i lived in wyoming where i wanted to go back but at some point realized it was never going to be the same. maybe seattle's my lover that i hang my hat on, but in reality i've only built it up in my mind and what i hold dear about it no longer exists or maybe it never did. i'm itching for change, but no longer know what it should be...

so that's the stream of consciousness post that you get when my head pounds so hard my eyes water...thank goodness for a sunny, warm portland day.

drowning

not in work or anything other than my dreams. the last two nights i've had very vivid dreams about drowning, me drowning. it's not a recurring dream becuase the scenarios were completely different, but the outcome the same so this morning i decided it was time to engage the dream intrepretation website and here's what i learned:

To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. If you drown to death, your relationship will fail or you will suffer major business losses. If your survive the drowning, then your relationship will be rescued by some intervention. You will rise to a higher position of wealth and honor.

i'm not exactly sure what to make of all of this since i always wake up before i survive or die, but given what's been on my mind the past few days, i guess this makes sense.

i'll keep you posted if it keeps happening, you may have to check me in.

weekend in review

i celebrated a birthday (mine) over the weekend and couldn't have asked for a better use of my days.



i woke up on saturday morning feeling the tiniest bit sorry for myself, a little tear may have even trickled down my cheek - it's been many years (maybe even 6 or 7 or 10 or maybe all my life) since i woke up by myself on my birthday. i've always had friends or family or roomates or luvahs... someone. but then i realized (in the spirit of self-affirmation and about a million other things i'm working on) that i was the only one who could make my day great. so, i promptly hopped in the shower and began one of my favorite weekends in ages.

saturday highlights include:

• a fancy coffee drink and some reading time in a NW coffee shop
• a mani and pedi as a treat
• a streetcar ride to downtown pdx ending with a view of the new will ferrell flick, blades of glory (during which i laughed out loud numerous times) and some shopping
• cup cakes from the delicious saint cupcake
• a quick snack with the doctor prior to getting gussied up to go out with the girls
• great food and the company of three beautiful, strong women that ended in drinks and discussion that helped round out my day

my time continued on sunday with:

• the much awaited eggs benedict breakfast at a new and yummy local place
• the completion of the bedroom painting project started in february
• a bike ride in the sunny weather
• a viewing of blood diamond - i cried in the opening scene...

a few hiccups during the weekend (all on my part), but all in all a fabulous weekend put on by me for me. i could get used to this...