headache heartache

maybe, maybe not. i've had a headache for the last two days - the really unbearable kind as in i've been mere moments from a migraine since tuesday. technically i'm blaming it on the fact that i neglected to take my magnesium supplement (also known as the thing that's saved me from having frequent migraines for the past year) for the three nights prior to the onset.

i'm guessing i can also blame it on a few other things. i've had a lot on my mind during those few days - considering my interactions with people, realizing i may have let my friends and my talking determine how i reacted to a situation instead of looking within myself to better understand how i wanted to react to the situation.

i talk about everything with my girlfriends. it's the only way i know how to process my own thoughts. i rarely come to conclusions on my own without first running through every scenario with at least 2-3 confidantes. i'm not a risk taker with my emotions, every move overly calculated and thought out. i never open myself up to heartache, vulnerability or anything that might actually matter. it's safer that way. it's probably also a recipe for being alone.

there's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" where meg ryan talks about how there's one person who brings out the absolute worst in her and the meanest things come out of her mouth when interacting with him, things she would never say and she doesn't know why it happens with him. the character is tom hanks and in the end she ends up with him. but this meg ryan character has been me the past few weeks. i know i have the venom of a cobra when i feel cornered and trapped but in the last week plus, i've lashed out at the same person so many times that it may have gotten to the point of inexcusability - in fact, i may have permanently altered the relationship. i could blame this on some many things - my discomfort with being here and not being here, other changes, etc. but the reality is for some reason i've taken to stinging this person repeatedly and no matter what they've done to deserve it, no one deserves that. this is the internet mea culpa.

speaking of heartache, i've been thinking a lot about seattle this past week and whether moving back there now (or ever) is really going to be the right choice for me anymore. sometimes i think it might be like the year that i lived in wyoming where i wanted to go back but at some point realized it was never going to be the same. maybe seattle's my lover that i hang my hat on, but in reality i've only built it up in my mind and what i hold dear about it no longer exists or maybe it never did. i'm itching for change, but no longer know what it should be...

so that's the stream of consciousness post that you get when my head pounds so hard my eyes water...thank goodness for a sunny, warm portland day.