ready for new

october's been a hard month for me both professionally and personally.

professionally, i've been challenged in both good and bad ways, have been stretched to my limits, practiced working on no sleep (again!) and produced amazing results. this month i've cried about my job, i've been praised by people who didn't know my name six weeks ago and i've been given many, many things to think about in regards to my future career.

personally, i've cried more in this month than i can probably ever remember having cried. i've had to say goodbye to two pets, physically hurt myself (a fall at work resulting in a wrist injury), and mourned the loss of those who were once my closest mates.

it's been a rough month and i'm ready for november - a fresh month, a flip of the calendar page, a different perspective.

with that said, i'm leaving the country for 9 days at the end of the week (primarily for work, but a little for fun) - the housesitter's all geared up, reservations made, bicycles and books and cafes waiting.

you likely won't hear from me until the next month has begun - i can't bear to have to talk anymore about october.

this just in...

i'm my own worst enemy and also apparently quite a klutz.

i came into work a little late this morning as i was having some work done on my house. nevermind that i just spent 5 minutes in the parking lot fixing my make-up b/c i was on the phone crying about something and didn't want to be that girl when i walk into the office.

luckily, in order to counter my slightly less than perfect make-up, i'm rocking this great pair of cuffed pinstriped trousers and some stilettos or at least that's what i think. right up to the part where my heel somehow gets caught in my cuff and next thing i know i'm sprawled out on the floor, my lunchtime broccoli and carrots busted out of their sack and scattered about the floor next to a now very, very bruised pear all of which have flown out of my bag. i've skinned my knee and hurt my wrist, but thankfully no one saw me and i didn't just flat out rip the seam of my pants (it was that kind of fall).

i get up, my wrist throbbing, and laugh out loud for the first time today.

ten minutes later when i head to the kitchen to fill my coffee mug there are still tiny bits of broccoli on the carpet - no one knows my secret...

i may be a klutz, but at least i entertain myself.

bathroom pet peeves cont.

ladies, ladies, ladies. apparently my first post wasn't enough to help you understand how to navigate the women's restroom so we're back, for round 2.

ladies, i realize sometimes you might run into a friend in our company's restroom and i get that it's monday morning and you maybe haven't seen or heard from this co-worker friend since last friday. and i get that that is approximately 3 days and that there might be loads and loads of things to catch up on - how the weekend was, what cute thing your kid accomplished, how that date went, etc., etc. but there is NO NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE RESTROOM!!!! step outside and away from the flushing toilets ladies, we have a nice patio, great hallways, a starbucks within walking distance - you've got options.

and also then? then, i don't have to go pee while listening to your conversation.

thanks.

now here's something we can work with

the post i started a few weeks ago before the madness i call work set in.

i spend a lot of time focusing on what doesn't work in the dating world, specifically what hasn't worked for me so i thought i'd share a bit of positive feedback just so you all know that it isn't all bad.

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in 1999 i moved to remote wyoming (40 miles from anywhere, but very close to yellowstone national park. and by anywhere i mean cody, wyoming where the biggest thing is wal-mart) to manage a guest ranch, the UXU Ranch. i had initially pursued the opportunity as part of a requirement for my bachelor's degree and was looking forward to getting away from some of the drama that was my life. looking back on my time there now i'd classify it as one of the happiest times in my life. the serenity of the location, the lack of focus on anything material, my removal from the craziness of day to day news and updates and everything led to extreme loneliness that later gave way to happiness as i grew to truly know myself and be comfortable with quiet and alone. i was a different person when i came back from that adventure and i'm glad for all that it offered me.

but there's another part to that UXU Ranch story and that involves the boys that i dated while living in that remote location. cody isn't exactly a mecca for bachelors and living 40 miles outside of cody meant that pickings were very very slim. i was lucky enough to meet SW on my second night on the ranch. SW was a cowboy, a rangler on the ranch. a tall skinny man with kind eyes and tight jeans. he wooed me in ways that you only read about in books and see in shows like "little house on the prairie" with things like bouquets of wildflowers and poems and music. he also wowed me with his strength and drive. SW was a bullrider and a pretty good one at that. he spent time teaching me about the world of rodeo and all things that go with being that type of athlete. i watched him ride a few times and the ladies hung on his every move. i was proud to know him. (for those of you who know me now in my power suit wearing, money spending clothes habit with a list a mile long of all things that don't equal cowboy, i'm sure you're scratching your heads about now).

i fell in love with SW in the only way a twenty something year old girl who's removed from everything she knows and is overcome by the beauty of her surroundings can and i pursued that love to the best of my ability (while it lasted). unfortunately, SW made a rather dramatic exit to head back home to big cabin, oklahoma and left me crying with nothing but some bull riding numbers, a cowboy hat and the wait for phone calls and letters - they were interesting times to say the least. for some time after, SW and i continued our relationship via phone and handwritten letters but after he left the ranch i knew we were never going to make it. he wanted me to move home to big cabin to buy a house next door to his parents so that i could raise children i wasn't even sure i wanted. his life and mine only meshed in the world that was known as wyoming - there was nothing else.

but the real reason i bring SW up as one of the good times is because of a letter i found of his when unpacking in my new home. for SW had/has written me the most sincere and gentle words i've ever had from any man i've dated and that's why his story appears here. from a letter by SW:

"You are my ambition and strength to get up every day and become a man so I can push myself for a better life. Please God I hope I never fail."

if that doesn't get under a girl's skin, i don't know what does. thanks SW wherever you are - i hope you found happiness.

beauty in the details

not the post i had intended for today, but thought i'd share anyway.

everyday on my way to and from work i have the opportunity to observe the progress on the OHSU tram (a big controversial solution to transportation issues here in PDX). and things are getting kind of close to being finished so today i was thinking about how fun it might be and wondering if it might somehow become a crazy tourist attraction (kind of like trams on the matterhorn and other things of that nature) and all of the sudden i really looked at my drive heading directly west towards the hills and my thoughts were quieted by the beauty of the changing colors of the trees on the hill below OHSU.

i make that drive everyday. and i'm always running late or annoyed with the guy in front of me or distracted by something else, but today my mind sat still for just a moment as i celebrated in the beauty of the changing leaves on the side of a portland hill.

thank goodness for the little things.

in case you were wondering...

i have not died.

i have not stopped blogging.

i don't hate my 4 readers.

i still have two legs (and arms and 10 fingers on each hand).

my car is still in one piece (as am i).

i haven't been on vacation and forgot to tell you.

my cats did not eat my face off.

i did not spontaneously combust (although i did come close a few times).

i just got pulled into the biggest work project ever last week and then needed time to recuperate.

next post is started, check back later this week.


hello world!!!

this is what i have to look forward to?

the other night at happy hour with some new PDX friends, i heard one of the most horrifying modern day cheating stories that i've ever known to be true.

one of the women i was with shared the following story about her friend, scorned lover (SL).

SL had known things weren't perfect between she and the boy for a month or more. in fact, they'd opted to take some breathing space for two weeks to determine next steps. one week into the "space" SL decided that this whole thing was BS and called the boy to make plans one week in to sort everything out. (btw...SL and the boy had been dating for quite some time) they agreed to meet on sunday to discuss what's what. sunday morning SL called the boy to finalize details but her call went unanswered so she took herself for a walk. when she returned an hour or so later, the call had still not been returned (very unlike the boy) so she got a little worried. several hours later (when she had still not heard back) she took herself over to the boy's house and let herself in with her key. like a scene from a movie, inside SL found clothes strewn about, two cars in the garage (one belonging to someone other than the boy) and other evidence that the boy had been with someone else. all evidence of SL had been removed from the boy's house - her personal items from the shower, her robe, etc. it was obvious that this hadn't just been a one-night thing; the boy had taken great care to erase any evidence of SL.

so, SL did what any normal, totally freaked out, just discovered she'd been cheated on woman would do. she rifled through drawers until she found most of her stuff and wrote a post-it note stating that it was over and she'd like her key and the rest of her stuff back as soon as possible. and then she walked out the door, sobbed and called her girlfriend.

as my friend was sharing this story, my first thought was "well, at least she didn't walk in on the two of them together," but my longer reflections on this make me sick to my stomach. these two people had exchanged keys and portions of their lives and yet the boy had no qualms about putting SL's stuff away, regardless of their situation. this is scary, scary stuff.

now i realize that both men and women cheat - i've heard both sides of the story. i'm not a cheater - never have been, never will be. i'm sure i've been cheated on (in fact, there are definitely moments, or a moment, when i believe/believed that my last bf started cheating on me and that may have been the exact moment when i checked out), but if this is what i have to look forward to, why even bother getting back out there?

i'll remember her this way

we got molly and her sister sophie after the tragic loss of my childhood dog and quasi-sister (b/c i'm an only child and somehow pets become sibs when you're an only), kirsty. the year was approximately 1992; they were the cutest puppies we had ever seen and i begged and begged to get molly, another dog of my own. my mom and stepdad finally gave in and several weeks later the world's cutest puppies came into our home.

my mom will sometimes talk about how they were the worst puppies, but ended up being the best dogs. they were so hyper and difficult to train and they were big enough to hurt when they pulled or jumped. i don't think one of us escaped having giant bruises in the shapes of puppy claws running down our legs as a result of some hyper, "i'm so glad that you're home" interaction.

molly was definitely my dog and i loved that she was the first dog i ever had that played frisbee endlessly, she could jump so high. during my angsty high school years, it was with molly that i shared all my secrets about my broken hearts after boyfriends, my dreams, my next steps, etc. we'd walk at night in the neighborhood and i'd tell her my story. she was a constant listener and always wanted to be where you were - she could never get enough petting.

molly was our dog who stole baked goods (which she loved more than anything else) from the counters while they were cooling and she got into more trouble for climbing up on the couches - she always wanted to be a lap dog, but she was way too big.

her sister sophie, our other dog, died when i was in college and molly went through a huge depression - she'd lost her soul mate and single companion. molly powered through and ended up being such a great job in her later years. i didn't take her with me when i moved to seattle - by then we already thought she was too old (going on eight at that time and we'd never had a dog live more than 9 or 10 years), but every time i came home i'd spend countless hours petting molly.

this year molly turned 14 and the last couple years had been rough on her - we'd had a few scares with her and we knew that she was at the point in her life where she'd feel great and be playing and walking one day and gone the next.

over the weekend, molly passed away in a somewhat tragic accident given we always just thought she'd die in her sleep. she fell and hurt herself and no one knew she was that hurt - in a matter of hours she'd gone. i learned of it last night and spent hours looking at pictures of her, just crying my eyes out.

so this week we'll be quiet and mourn the loss.

i prefer to remember her this way - a loyal friend and constant companion, one who will surely be missed.