lonely

i feel quiet today. maybe it's melancholy. i like melancholy.

i got home late last night and the questions began. when i arrived at work today they continued. everyone wants to know how things were, what i did, how i felt and it's totally fair. that's what you do when your friends come back from vacation - you ask. but i don't want to talk about it. i cried when i left last night. was really sad to be leaving for some reason. i don't usually cry when i leave anywhere. it's just that i'd had such a glorious time being among so much new and old combined. and now i'm here. a stranger among friends still bathing in the glow of being among people (my mom) who love me unconditionally.

i also used my time away to think. think about what's next and where i'm going and how i'm going to get there. i have decisions to make, i'm a little too lazy (professionals call it ambivalent) to make them. what's next?

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the place where i've been living since i moved to PDX sold while i was away. i knew it was coming, just didn't know when and i was banking on that time to help me figure things out about portland. no indication of when i'll need to be out could me a month, could be six but the move isn't just about moving it's about so much else.

this doesn't happen often, but i honestly don't know how to be when i'm lonely among friends...