ocean reflections

early friday evening i had my first opportunity to step away from the beach house and immerse myself in the sea air and the sounds of the ocean. i'd somehow missed the girlfriend i was walking down there to meet so grabbed a spot at the top of the dune not far from the surf's edge and managed to contemplate life. i love the ocean, it's part of the reason i moved to the west coast, and i make trips to the water's edge as often as i possibly can. on this night all alone, but surrounded by families and couples and others i was overcome with specific memories of ocean visits. the ocean has provided a back-drop for some fairly significant events in my life...i can only wait in anticipation of what's to come.

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it's 2001 and i'd traveled to puerto vallarata with my then live-in boyfriend and my family. i'd figured out days before the trip that he'd intended to propose to me during the trip and i'd also figured out that i didn't want to marry him. the house we stayed in was beautiful, the food divine and my attitude was horrible. i loved spending the time with my family, but i spent the entire trip making sure that there was no opportunity for the proposal to occur. in a nutshell, i was a nightmare to be around. i spent days and nights reflecting, pulling away from my relationship and determining next steps. the return to seattle a week later was the beginning of the end. the ring had indeed made the journey and thankfully never found it's way out of it's travel spot. we determined when we got back that there was nothing left, i didn't love him the way he loved me and a volatile and long-lived break-up ensued. that ocean led to sleeping in separate bedrooms, yelling matches, angry words and tears. sometimes i wonder what would've happened if i just would've made nice and said yes...

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two years later - 2003. after spending more than a year being with just me, i'd dated one guy fairly regularly through the winter breaking up when realizing what we had in common wasn't enough to sustain a relationship. memorial day weekend of that year i randomly met a man with whom sparks flashed the moment we met - if there's such a thing as love at first sight this is what i'd guess it's like. he didn't live where i lived and july 4 brought us together in the middle of california on a sunny ocean beach. wine, treats, shared kisses and hopes were the feelings that this ocean brought me and when that ocean-dream came crashing down i sometimes wished i'd just drifted off into the sea.

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2004. i'm dating someone new. as a special treat/ getaway we're heading up to the San Juan Islands to spend some time on the island where his dad lives. we spend the weekend hiking, exploring and enjoying the quiet. i discover i love this part of the country, the cold water, the beautiful trees. since then we've shared numerous holidays with friends and family looking out into this ocean. this ocean embraces me when i'm there but also reminds me that it's not truly mine. i'm just a passenger on someone else's ship here.

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this weekend, July 2006. i'm sitting at the ocean's edge remembering each of these scenarios. looking out towards the horizon, i see nothing but water and possibilities spread out before me. i feel small. i'm waiting for a sign to push me in one direction or another. i'm not riding on a boat but my life feels like i'm just a small wood raft drifting through life. what does this ocean hold?

turns out it held the girls weekend i needed. laughter, games, movies, beach time and fun. it was a nice diversion from all the things that are distracting me from me right now and coming to work on a monday with pink cheeks is never a bad thing.