details

signs that last night's date is probably not your match:

1. when he first mentions he lives with a roommate, your first thought is OMG! this man is 30-something and still lives w/ a roommate in a town where rentals are affordable
2. the situation continues to worsen b/c he starts talking about said roommate's cats referring to them as "creatures" he wants to kick. when you mention that you, too, have a cat he talks about how much he likes animals including cats
3. the connection is so weak that you run out of things to talk about over dinner so bring up the fact that humans carry staph bacteria under their fingernails

needless to say we won't be seeing that one again.

happy friday!

evidence that i'm still a klutz

last night, while out on a date with someone who is well aware of my history of falling and making a complete fool of my myself, i somehow managed to spill half a beer down the front of my sweater and pants. this was good beer, people! how does this happen?

thankfully, my date handled the situation very gracefully, acted like he didn't see it and mentioned that given my history he wasn't surprised that something like this had happened. he then offered to get me a napkin.

if that's not modern day chivalry, link style, then i don't know what is.

things are looking up...

focusing on the positive side of travel:

1) the hotel room i stayed in last night is bigger than my entire house and has not one, but two flat screen tvs. (my house has approximately zero)

2) getting to try restaurants and foods that my normally meager social budget could never fund.

3) leaving rainy pdx, to pull into chilly but sunny vegas on a sunday night (also knowing i'll still sleep in my own bed tonight)

4) for the first time in ages, someone besides my mom (and you few readers out there) actually cares that i'm gone and when i'm coming home.

5) my hotel room had one of those positively skinny mirrors where i looked like a size 0 instead of the slightly larger than 0 girl i am. can i get one of those installed in my house tomorrow?

hmmm, monday indeed.

why i should probably have just one

man, that is. in my life.

dear innernets,

in case you didn't know, i've been dating multiple people for awhile now. on most days, it's fun. on some days it freaks me out. i mean, what if, at some point, i actually have to make a choice about one of these people?

anywho, i've only dated more than one person (for any period of time) at one other point in my life and the outcome was disasterous mostly b/c i couldn't remember who i'd done what with and which conversation had been had with whom. in the end i chose one and if i remember correctly dated him for quite some time after that.

which brings us to now. this weekend, i went out with a man that i've seen quite a few times (in the spirit of full-disclosure, all of them know there are others) and i may have accidentally thought i had a conversation with this man that i actually had with another man a week ago. and this man, may or may not have called me on it, and i may or may not have been extremely embarrassed and completely skimmed over the whole thing only to wake up on sunday morning laughing and a little not-laughing at myself.

yes, innernets, i apparently have no game. i should probably just stick to one at a time.

thanks for reminding me.

xo, the link

what i have to choose from

recap of an incident wherein i was (once again) reminded about the selection (or lack thereof) of men available to me:

scene: last night at the gym, me stretching post work-out, dorky guy (dg) next to me working out with cute lady trainer (clt)

CLT: "DG! Get it together tonight, why are you so distracted today? Do you need me to pretend to be an episode of Star Trek to get you to pay attention to our training session?"

DG (overly excited): "OMG! Speaking of Star Trek...there's this episode called X (ed note: he actually said the name of the episode), it's episode 15 in Season 2 (ed note: i caught this part) and it's all about how you should deal with difficult situations. So yesterday, I used those techniques in talking with my boss."

CLT: .... (ed note: crickets chirping)

Me (in my head): holy sh*t, if this is what men are using to address social situations, i'm never going to find my person.


happy friday! i'll regale you with new tales another day.

a list

things that have been uttered, texted, or emailed to me in the last week by a man i'm just not that in to (spelling and grammar his, not mine):

1. "i'll be right back, i have to go potty"
2. "call me at 10 and sing me a lullaby"
3. "hey sexy girl had fun lastnight call me"
4. "Si si madamuaseille"
5. "Hope ya made it to work in the love bug, ha ha ha your car is cute too."
6. "give me a toot."
7. "You are such a hotness. "

i know, i know completely unfair for me to air it here but some of that is damn funny. anyway, i stomached it for as long as i could but now i'm going to have to break up with him. apparently, by opening the door a teeny tiny crack, this guy decide to shove it all the way open. seriously, up until a week ago this guy was nice and wrote normal emails.

snippets

• holy cow it's already december. this kind of scares me, mostly because i sort of missed november.
• it is pouring down rain in pdx right now and outside of my house an old steamer trunk appeared over the weekend. it's just sitting there, on the median, waiting for something. sometimes over the past couple days its lid has been open, sometimes closed. i'm wondering how it got there and what it's waiting for. if the rain continues, maybe it will take itself on some sort of floating trip.
• knowing someone who has lived in a yurt is going to be great fodder for one of those get to know you bingo games in the future
• my attraction to you is directly proportionate to my ability to stomach random and somewhat suggestive texts from you. i'm still deciding if you're attractive enough to pull that off. in the meantime, please stop. it's kind of freaking me out.
• putting all your cards on the table after a few beers can be both liberating and scary, especially when you tell me that i'm great and attractive and funny AFTER you've had time to think about everything i've said.
• sometimes several glasses of wine, the movie elf and some girl time can solve the problems of the world
• i think the mirror in my bathroom at work is more flattering that the one in my house. i thought i looked a bit thick when i left this morning, but just now thought that i was maybe okay.

i said i would, but i didn't

i promised to write something while i was readjusting to the old u-s-of-a, but i couldn't bring myself to think that much while i was sleeping and reading and working on my house.

i promise something is forthcoming, but for now...

i'm sorry,
i can't,
don't hate me.

72 hours

i shot up in my bed at 5AM barcelona time with a smile on my face - 72 hours until i'll be in my portland bed.

it's been a great run, but i'm ready for it to be over. i might lock my door and snuggle in my house until december.

but i promise to post at least once, i've got a funny story to share.

see you stateside....

a working girl in london

a few things to note about actually working in london:

• last night i got to have a true working london experience wherein i went out to the local pub for drinks with my co-workers. i learned today that the pub has been open since the 1300s and the city is threatening to shut it down so locals are signing an online petition.
• in said pub, if i even set my drink down for a moment they would take it away from me - i lost 3 3/4 full beers this way.
• i went with two colleagues around the corner to have take out burgers. trying to be healthy, i ordered a chicken burger (if for nothing else than to get away from beef for a moment), when i opened it up, it was a friend chicken burger, completely negating my one healthy choice!
• many of my colleagues in this office are two finger typers - is it just me or is that weird?

foreign soda

i'm in london now, having arrived yesterday to work with my colleagues in this office for a few days. i'm pretty much in love with them and have already asked them if i can stay.

but there's one teeny tiny problem - the sodas. the sodas here are stored in a vending machine. you order them by number but don't pay.

2 issues w/ vending machine sodas in london:

1) they come out kind of shaken up so "mind the spray"
2) for some reason when you drink out of them you kind of get the distinct smell of dirty gym sock feet, not so good.

crisp update, day 2

today i tried prawn cocktail crisps - they are quite delicious with not even a hint of prawn. i'd strongly recommend, more like sea salt and vinegar than prawn cocktail. even better than chicken chips. yum!

reflections

stream of consciousness resulting from too much time in my head...

confession: i think i should've married the first guy who was going to ask me (nearly 8 years ago now).



in this year of travel (i've spent over 1/4 of this calendar year away from my home, no wonder i feel as though i'm no longer living my life), i've had countless hours of time to reflect on my life the choices i've made and where i've landed.



i'm not really sure why i've ended up where i have. i mean, obviously, it all points back to the choices i've made and at the end of the day all points to my biggest fear, losing my independence and sense of self. but essentially in all this managing and changing and pushing people away, i've managed to lose myself anyway.



so here i am, pushing 30, both young and old at the same time, with nothing to show for myself but hundreds of thousands of frequent flyer miles, lots of men in my past and lots o' shoes. not really who i wanted to be.



sure, if i'd chosen to marry that man, i'd probably have the white picket fence and 2.5 children right now, but i also just might have a partner who shared most of my interests, was willing to try new things, and loved me enough to look past all of my fatal flaws - at least until they were the death to our relationship. and maybe, maybe i didn't have to feel the pressure to get pregnant immediately, and maybe if i'd just said it, he would've respected my decision to not be ready to get married at 22. maybe we could've been great, but when i figured out the ring was coming, i felt trapped and twisted and squirmed until i got out and said goodbye.



since then, i've had a string of ambitious jobs, overall crappy and unfilling relationships with many men that i thought i loved and maybe wanted to love but didn't. i'm not even sure if i loved mr. marry me. in fact, who knows if i even know how to love, i've started to think that maybe that's my issue, that i am 100% incapable of loving anyone but myself. gosh, what an attractive trait (not).



i've spent the last year not living my life and feeling as if i might end up alone, as if that might be my penance for all the things and people that have hurt me and that i've hurt in my life.

not really the way i want to live...

tastes like chicken...

i just had a bag of roasted chicken flavored crisps (that's chips for those of you in the US). i thought they would be nasty, but were suprisingly tasty with only a hint of chicken.

don't know if we'll ever see these in the states...

notes from the road: barcelona

after 20 some odd hours of traveling, i arrived in barcelona early yesterday morning, local time. i'm here for a couple of events but will be detouring to london later this week. i'm hoping to be in my house in time for thanksgiving.

i'm currently sitting in a lime green conference center where they are piping in ambient techno music 24 hours a day (it's quite strange at 7AM). most interesting is to watch the people around you. a conference buddy and i (someone i see on the road a lot) keep laughing b/c we'll suddenly catch ourselves completely distracted bobbing our heads or tapping our pant legs in time with the music. it's an unusual event for sure.

in other news, highlights of my trip so far include:

• a truly princess di moment in a taxi cab yesterday - if i'm ever to die in a firey taxi cab crash it will be here, in barcelona.
• a delicious dinner at pla - last night. gastro-porn, for sure.
• seeing carmindy in the bathroom at the newark airport. don't worry, it wasn't under some unusual senatorial, foot tapping, toilet paper confusion (wrong airport, i know, but i still wondered) but when i looked up and realized who was washing her hands next to me, i nearly squealed - a celeb siting to me for sure.

i'll give you some other updates from this trip as soon as i have more to say.

UPDATE:

2 things:

1) the so called paper towels in the restrooms are the consistency of kleenex which makes for kind of messy hand drying.

2) i just ate the "vegetarian fajitas" for lunch. they were actually black bean burritos covered with tomato sauce. hmmm? i prefer all the delcious carpaccio i've been eating.

and another...an attractive spanish man, driving a cart of fresh croissants just winked at me...le sigh.

copenhagen in lists

to be updated throughout the remainder of my trip:

likes:

• the convention center has natural light
• hot danish men
• loads of fresh fish and lox
• the delicious steak i had for dinner last night
• my hired driver with a mohawk
• one night of full sleep
• beautiful architecture
• the hope of freedom from work on thursday
• the fancy soaps at the hotel (you might get them if you're my next house guest)
• giant towels with little hooks to hang them up
• the brisk cold air
• funny little coffee machines that actually make decent coffee

dislikes:

• my lack of comfort in the euro shower (that floor is soaked every day)
• the weak dollar makes everything extra expensive
• the toilet paper is not at all soft and instead causes chaffing
• getting lost with my mohawked driver
• spending most parts of most nights watching movies on my computer
• my funny closet that's really not a closet

wherein i discuss things like travel and other personal items

started days ago, posting now just so you'll know my story...(it's not complete)

i'm here. in copenhagen. after having slept only 1.5 hours on the way over here, i've made the easiest tranistion to the european time zone ever. an early dinner and 12 straight hours of sleep allowed me to wake up feeling halfway normal. an hour long work out and some breakfast and i feel pretty good about being here. hmmm, ask me in 4 hours how i'm really feeling.



STALKER ALERT: two days before my departure, i got the (you'll think exciting, but i think ugh, another trip) news that i will come home for a mere 5 days before departing to barcelona for work again. so basically, i'll be somewhere other than the great pdx until sometime in mid-november. if you need me, email. if you're stalking me, my place is empty except the attack cat oh, and the cat sitter.



at any rate, you might see a few blogs while i'm here (i'm anticipating having some random downtime allowing to blog at times like 2am pst).



in other news i've been dating: teef, and RR, and a few others. they all have code names. how else can you and i keep them straight?



i've been stood up, disappointed, bored out of my mind, overwhelmed by how much fun i've had, etc. all by the various dates i've been on. we'll see where it leads...i'm just hoping to have a date for company holiday party. c'mon...

sassy outfit raises eyebrows

last night while getting ready for bed, i picked out my outfit for today - i knew before i went to be last night that my outfit was going to be smoking hot.

a black pencil skirt, a slate gray silk shirt, a wide belt showing off my new svelte figure, stilettos and some textured tights - this complete with the long hair i now have and some great earrings - i left my house feeling great for the first time in months.

imagine that, me feeling good about myself. i've actually been having a great couple weeks, pounds dropping, new friends, new men, new life. fall breathes life for me, it always does.

my co-workers are a little flustered with my look today - i've gotten a lot of questions about wow, you look good or why are you dressed up or....

here's the thing, folks. i look good today for me, to remind myself that i can be hot and beautiful and a little bit mean girl (right up to the point where i trip and fall).

it's just a little bit tuesday...

events season

alternately titled, i might not be around for awhile...

i'm running a million miles an hour trying to finalize plans and see all the people i want to see and re-arrange my bedroom according to my new bedroom set all before i leave the country for 10 days on friday.

if you're missing me, i'm sorry, but i won't be around for awhile - work calls.

work's call is coming at a horrible time when there are a few things i'm afraid to walk away from here. i know my life and my world is always dictated by my internal timeline and though i've been open about this with people i know, at this moment, i don't want to have i'm leaving hanging over both of our heads. hopefully, i'm leaving translates to i'm back.

so, in case you're wondering, i'll try to check-in again when i return at the end of the month.

it's part of the package deal

on monday night i was chatting (for the first time via phone) with a potential new suitor. admittedly, i'm a horrible phone talker and was multi-tasking at the time - driving, parking, it was raining, removing items from my trunk, opening my umbrella, etc., but mid-conversation, i dropped my cell phone and it consequently shattered rendering continued conversation impossible. i yelled a few obscenities mostly because i was getting soaked, i'd just unexpectedly ended a conversation rather abruptly and i had no way of calling this person back - i was pissed!

i ran into my house and quickly booted (does anyone still use this term, btw?) up the computer to shoot him a quick email letting him know what had happened and then chastised myself for my clumsiness (my email was titled first impressions and other things that aren't going very well). potential suitor (PS) was very gracious about the situation mentioning that he could still hear me after i'd gone away and calling back to make sure nothing bad had happened.

even though i was slightly mortified at the impression i had left, a few friends had the pleasure of laughing hysterically with me about this unfortunate outcome. but then one of them reminded me that really this is part of the link dating package - i am a klutz, i fall down all the time, i might occasionally over imbibe, i dance like a dork, etc.

so, PS and all others...this is just part of the deal. either you're in or you're not.

no excuses

a guy i dated and i once had a conversation about time management. the gist of the conversation revolved around the limited amount of time we had together and why we consistently met up more in the late night time frame as a opposed to the more after-work time frame. we both sort of realized that it was difficult to get together earlier than that if we wanted to maintain some semblance of our pre-each other lives. i believe his exact words may have been "you know how it goes, you leave work and try to go to they gym and get home and cook some dinner and throw in a load of laundry and suddenly it's 9PM."

at the time these words were a little frustrating for me b/c i'd been working to alter my schedule slightly to make more room in my life for him, but these days i'm definitely back in that mode.

in the last week or so, i've noticed that i have not once eaten dinner before 8:30PM. by the time i leave work and fight traffic, get a decent work-out in at the gym, and drive home it's usually creeping up on 8 o'clock. then i snarf down some meal, do some after hours personal emailing and maybe catch up on my netflix. i need to be getting to sleep by 10:30, but haven't been crawling into bed before 11. it makes for rough mornings and little time for anyone but myself. a few stacks of this weekend's laundry still sit folded on my table, waiting to be put away.

i'm trying to branch out in so many ways, but that requires changing my priorities and i'm not sure i'm quite ready to do it. so friends and family remain uncalled or emailed, movies remain unwatched, blogs remain unupdated and i feel more than scattered.

maybe i need a new lesson in time management or i should start dating that guy again b/c for now, i can only afford a post 9PM relationship.

nesting instinct

i love fall and the fall weather. it's also nice because it always sort of helps me kick my nesting instinct into high gear. this weekend i got to wear JEANS!!! and SWEATERS!!! and i loved it. i almost considered putting the winter blanket on the bed, but refrained since i know i'll be pissed later this week when i'm sweating in my pjs b/c i jumped the gun with the blanket.

instead, i spent the weekend drinking red wine, watching football and cooking. i curled up on my couch with my warm throw and read some of my book while the smell of fresh zucchini bread wafted from the kitchen.

i stopped caring that some little white somethings have infected two of my flower pots b/c really, who cares? it's fall and those plants will die for winter anyway. i thought about getting in that last summer bike ride (but didn't) and instead went to bed early (it's so dark now) and woke up late.

i love fall! it'll soon be warm again, but just the glimpse has me yearning for more. good things are to come in this fall - i'm looking forward to them.

goooooood morning

you can always tell your day's going to take a turn for the worse when you're just starting to shift from complete deep slumber to enjoy those last few moments of bed snuggle time and you are jolted awake by the sound and smell of your cat puking just inches from your face.

for the record, this has actually never happened to me before but when it occurred this morning, i just knew today was not going to be a good one.

i always get them confused anyway

labor day/ memorial day. i always get them confused. every time one of these three day weekend holidays comes around i have to pause for a moment before opening my mouth to confirm (in my head) which holiday it is. for some reason i cannot keep the two straight which may explain my melancholy mood this weekend.

you would've thought it had been memorial day the way that i mourned the loss of all things over the weekend - mostly relationships and friendships and people i miss. the holidays represent the begininning and end of summer to me so maybe i'm just mourning the passing of another season, but when i spend the weekend among friends (old and new) and spend the entire time thinking that maybe i should've worked harder at relationships i've lost, it turns makes for a very laborious memorial day.

hmmm...no wonder i'm always confused.

#####

in other news, i brought home a seven pound zucchini from a friend's garden last night. it's currently in my kitchen occupying its own chair. ps - it also doubles as a cricket bat.

2 things

1) having pink flowy pompoms hanging off the handlebars of your bicycle does not make you a girl. i know many men who sport those just for jest.

2) is there a reason you put on the giant fireworks show in my neighborhood at 10:30pm? i thought the 4ht of july was a couple months ago.

the bbq

my single, career driven, adult female life can definitely get lonely and i imagine (as much as it pains me to say it) that there will come a day (probably in the nearer than i wish future) where i will have to make some decisions determining which of those adjectives is most important to me in my description. (either that or we can all hope that my saturn has not yet returned and that everything will sort itself out. either way...)

the point is, i rarely have complete moments when i absolutely abhor being single. sure i miss having that one person to talk to at night or do anything with or someone who knows me better than anyone else, but i also enjoy being the only person i answer to, having no interruptions to my saturday morning routine, not having to run decorating or money things by anyone else, etc., etc. that is, unless the dreaded office related bbq comes into play.

i was just invited to the obligatory labor day weekend work bbq and while i adore the people (individually) who will be there, it's literally my single girl kryptonite. i will be, with out a doubt, the only person who does not have a partner and/or children or both at this function. and the worst part about it? i no longer live in seattle, so i don't even have the guy friends who will attend these things as my date.

it's four days away and already i'm dreading it. looks like i have four days to find someone, anyone who will be a suitable psuedo so i can show up as anything but alone.

some days singledom is quite difficult...

another one bites the dust

i think i just broke up with someone. i mean, in the end, i don't think i was even seeing him (if i ever was).

at one point i said something to the effect of "i want you in my life, but if you don't feel the same way i hope you have the courage and the courtesy to tell me so." shortly thereafter he stopped taking/ returning my calls so although courage and courtesy were lacking i think the message was clear.

regardless, i would've hoped for an amicable ending (i like things to be neat and tidy in that way) and had merely left a few messages trying to arrange to retrieve some items that had been left behind. finally, i just really needed to be done and left a very directive message with options. i came home last night to my things under my doormat, no note, no nothing, the end. things on my deck were askew leading me to believe that he must've wondered a little bit, but not enough to actually check on me. i texted him to say thanks for dropping my things by (i'm nice that way) and promptly nexted him. as i said, i guess i just broke up with someone.

in other news, i've been informed by TX Mama that i'm not the oldest single person (good news, i suppose) but that i need someone to pre-screen future dates. whatever happened to the right person will come along?

at any rate, another one has officially bitten the dust.

communication via blog? on hold

i don't write on this thing anymore (not because i don't want to, i just don't). i have no less than four different posts started, but i just don't know where to go with them, how transparent i truly want to be so they sit in various stages of done.

i've been gone for most of july and part of august - visiting friends, ending and beginning relationships, enjoying the summer, working and the like. i'm here now; for the forseeable future (if by future you mean october).

promotions and deep cleaning and airing out my life. crushes and break-ups, laughter and tears, plus i've been trying to wrap up the very personal crisis that i've been working through since may. looks like september's on target to be a good month - it's about time.

so i'm here and this blog will be here and there's much more posting to come...i just have to decide what you all should know.

dusk summersong

almost every night i walk in my neighborhood near dusk and i find the whole experience to be completely soothing and poetic, things i love:

• lazy cats sitting on porches, enjoy the (finally) cool pavement
• the sounds of people washing their dishes - one of my favorite summer sounds
• exhausted swings barely swaying in giant trees; they've had a busy day playing with the out of school children
• the smell of your fresh cut grass - you had to wait until it cooled down a bit to work in the yard
• peeking at your windows, to see what you have on TV, how your living room is decorated or glimpses of your family involved in your evening family ritual
• the sound of the screen door slamming, the last screams of children coming in from play
• the smell of you barbecuing on your grill, the scent of your wilted roses
• the sounds of amateur musicians plucking guitar strings on the porch or practicing the drums in the basement

during every one of these walks, i just smile to myself sometimes wistful for things i wish i had and hope to have some day, but often this time allows me to reflect on life and be thrilled for all that i have and bask in the dusk, the sights, smells and sounds.

TMI

today while being held completely captive and having sharp objects digging around in my mouth at the dentist's, the hygienist told me all of the details of the kidney stone she's currently trying to pass.

nothing's worse than being strapped in a chair and have to nod while some shares something that makes you completely uncomfortable and is clearly tmi.

beside manner, people. work on it.

Amazonian. But in a good way.

i finally understand how all of you, my tall friends, have felt around me, the shrimp, for the entire length of our friendship, relationship, whatev.

in the last two days i have felt positively amazonian on multiple occasions, towering over colleagues and co-workers in a way that i did not deem humanly possible for myself.

i mean, i know these are some smoking hot platform espadrilles, but c'mon! amazon?!

well on the bright side, i now know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes...

"honey, i can't leave the house without my hair dun..."

i spent at least half of my drive to work this morning behind a woman with a full head of rollers in her hair.

i found it part endearing and part disturbing - i don't think she was really old enough for the curlers and frankly how was she going to manage that when she got to the office?

weighty issues

i don't do much real talking about me on this site - there's not a real need to. i prefer to keep it to things i see or feel but i've been toying with this post for a long time now and a recent turn of events has this back on my mind in even fuller force.



i'm not a skinny girl, i prefer to be described as curvy. i will never be a skinny girl, believe me, i've tried. i've dabbled with eating disorders (like nearly every woman of my generation) multiple times in my life. amazing results, really. i've been shocked by the positive feedback i've received every time i've slimmed down to a size 2 or size 0, meanwhile i'm starving myself and no one seems to notice. it's no wonder we love these things (eating disorders), positive reinforcement for being positively unhealthy, way to go society, way to perpetuate a major issue. in fact, i'd probably be in some sort of wacky nicole richie state of affairs if it weren't for a great college boyfriend who once told me that if i lost one more pound he was checking me into a clinic PERIOD end of story. there are very few people who will call you out on your shit and make you listen and while we haven't dated in years this action probably explains why he is still someone i consider a dear friend some 10 years later.



currently, i need to lose some weight, it's true. all of my travel this year has allowed me to pack on about 7 pounds that i don't need on my 5'2" frame. 5 lbs on me, is enough to make me chunkier and curvier than i should be and i know it. i work out when i can, i eat healthy when i can and i will slim down when i can.



another thing i know about me...i'm not gorgeous, never will be. no one in my entire life will ever describe me as gorgeous, because frankly i'm not. cute yes, gorgeous, no. it's just not me. believe me, i want to me an 89 lb waify, gorgeous something but with this rack, it ain't gonna happen. let's just leave it at that.



i struggle with my weight each and every day of my life. i struggle with my looks each and every day of my life. every single day of my entire adult life, i have gotten up and criticized every single thing about my looks, weight, body, life, etc. it's literally part of who i am. it's definitely part of who i will always be. my body image issues have held me back from having many successful relationships and god knows what else in my life. i allow the mirror to completely deplete my ability to accept that i deserve something better. i know it and i still do it.



rarely do other people feed into my own issues and for that i am thankful. i have ex-friend who i used to call the first person to give the worst compliment, "oh link, sometimes i forget you can be pretty" was one of her best and most frequent lines. i think it was intended as a compliment, but never quite came out that way. she's an ex-friend b/c of many reasons, but obviously i don't need some to remind me that i'm apparently just not pretty enough. enough said.



these days, i sometimes hang out with a guy who initially intimidated the shit out of me b/c he is truly a beautiful man. i spent the first 5 or 6 times i hung out with him literally laughing my ass off b/c i honestly thought that there was no way that this person could want anything to do with a chunky little blondie like me. i built him up in my mind to be someone he was not, is not. we've all got our baggage, he's got his too and in the end it probably balances out. don't think i don't still wonder what the heck i'm doing hanging out with this guy - he should probably hang with some 23-year old skinny, not me.



women are incredibly catty people, i think all of us want something we cannot have and i think we sometimes say mean things out of jealousy or god knows what drives us to be evil, evil people but i try to save my friends from my criticism of other women. i want to be anyone i'm not. i think all of my girlfriends are beautiful in their own way and would never want them to feel that i didn't think so, but apparently they don't all feel the same for me. in telling a "friend" about above companion, she remarked that "you're lucky he is able to look past the physical, because you're cute and all, but...". but what? you think i'm some sort of fat ass, who doesn't deserve to date an attractive man? is that what you really think of me?

because if it is? i don't need it. and i don't need you. i spend enough of my days berating myself, i don't need your help. i'm doing the best i can to be the best that i can and if you can't support that, then i can no longer support our friendship.


this post has been brought to you by the words rant and the letters L and B.

"i'd like to check you for ticks." ???

lyrics to a song i just heard on the radio.



endearing i suppose, but not really the pick-up line i'm dying to hear.



please refrain from suggesting this when you see me.



k? thanks.

the worst kind of alone

just like everything that's in my head and my heart right now, i put myself here. into the complete aloneness. i have to be here right now, i have to figure out what to do next and how to fix what's broken, what's wrong. for the first time in my entire life, i'm choosing not to repeatedly discuss over and over with each and every one of you what i'm dealing with. instead, i'm closing you all off, shutting down until i can figure out what i should do, what i should say.

i'm fine. i'll be fine. because i have to be fine. i don't allow myself another choice. i'll make something work that will fix this and maybe i'll tell you about it one day but i probably won't.

for the record, my health is fine (knock on wood), no one has died and i still have my job.

i've been out and about, but only with people who don't know me well enough to ask questions. when you ask me how i am, i tear up and tell you i won't talk about it - they don't ask, they don't know to ask. i prefer it that way.

i'm perfecting the art of blending in, of being silent. when alone in my car (where i was a lot the past few days) i've even learned to sing quietly. i used to sing at the top of my lungs.

this weekend i had the opportunity to forget for a moment, but when i closed my eyes to sleep it all came back to me.

the only one i can count on is myself. i got myself in and i'll get myself out.

can i please come home?

or better yet...can i please stay home?

barely a week back from my last trip to LV and this week brought me down to LA. overall, a successful trip to la la, but some unfinished work has me so antsy i can hardly stand it.

found out late last week, i'll need to take a major trip in june after all - one i had hoped to get out of. i was out of it, until an unexpected turn of events put me back in. it's all the work that needs to go into the prep for that trip, combined with some personal issues, that has me in a funk and so anxious i'm worthless. i'm sitting in the la airport now jiggling my foot as if i were taking some lucky child on the best horsey ride ever. no such luck.

speaking of luck, i guess it's my good fortune to not only get to travel in june, but also in july. so far it's looking like the only month i won't travel this year is september, but c'mon it's a bit early to try to make those kinds of committments, no?

when i'm away from portland, i'm always really anxious about having to go back. i always think i don't belong there and get hungry for something else. and then i come back and sometimes there are people and friends and co-workers and whatnot who are glad to see me and they make me think maybe i'll be okay. but then i have to remember to remind them i'm there...

ugh! can i come home?

an owen meany moment...

i think i know how i'm going to die. i can't tell you the number of times the scenario has played itself out in my mind over the last few weeks. every saturday and sunday i run many miles on the city streets of portland. and, every week at one point or another i envision my run in with a car. when it happened again yesterday, i actually thought it through and considered that perhaps this is why i am at the junction that i am at in my life.

either that or i've been watching waaayyyy too much Six Feet Under, it's hard to say really.


ps - if you haven't read it, please do.

fortunate fortune

in the week leading up to major travel, i always have lunch brought in every day. today was chinese food and i couldn't have asked for a more apropos fortune in my cookie...

"While you're carrying a grudge, others are out dancing."

i taped it to my computer monitor so i can remember.

ps - i'm leaving again tomorrow.

so incredibly self-centered...

that i'm probably about to spontaneously combust. just by being me.

yesterday i allowed someone else's actions to maybe make me not feel so good about myself so today i wore a smokin' hot dress to work b/c i knew people would tell me i looked cute. and today, my friends, i need to hear that i look cute/ smokin' hot/ whatevs.

my work friends always make me feel good about myself and today i needed them to do that. i just stopped by one of my work friends cubicles for the required compliment (under the guise of dropping something off, okay really i did have something work-related to drop off) and she's not even here to give me the obligatory compliment - wtf?!

b/c really folks, that's what got under my skin today...yep, me, so incredibly self-centered.

i think there's a song about me, "your so vain..."

a duck in the city

somehow a mama duck and her baby got themselves into the middle lane of traffic on the interstate during rush hour this morning. i saw them frantically trying to weave their way through the fast moving traffic and in my rearview mirror a semi truck hitting the baby while the mother fluttered out of the way.

i can't speak to her fate, but i wonder if ducks mourn losses the way we do...

it made me sad.

strawberries

sorry in advance for the randomness of this post - it's pure stream of consciousness...

i threw my morning completely out of whack today just by adding strawberries to my breakfast smoothie. i was trying to use up some fresh strawberries and mixed them with my frozen berries and suddenly everything was out of whack - my smoothie was too sweet and not as thick as it usually is and...hmmm, something's not good.

it's funny how that's the thing that threw me into a tizzy. yesterday wasn't exactly great - too little sleep, too much wine and fun on sunday night led to a misstep in my week's kick-off but somehow i didn't feel completely out of whack in my monday fog.

it's fascinating the things that affect me.

i was in LA last week for a few days and have been formulating a blog post in my mind ever since i returned. out for drinks with a friend the other night, he asked me what the blog post would be knowing full well that the wheels in my little head were turning thinking of what statement i wanted to make and why. another friend reminded me of the bloggers syndrome - the whole idea that every encounter must result in a blog post and therefore you begin looking at your entire being as a story you will tell online - i try not to do it anymore, but i definitely have. now i just stick to the random minutiae of my life or other such silliness.

i wanted to blog about these girls that i had lunch with in lala. it was a business meeting that turned into a "my story about dating at our age" discussion. the moral of the story? dating in LA is worse than dating here...i think. two gorgeous gals telling me about the actors and the insecurities and the need to drive a mercedes and i'm thinking well at least i don't have to weed through all of that.

for a minute i could see myself living in LA, except for the part where i had to maneuver my SUV across the millions of lanes of traffic on every highway. everyone i talked to said they don't commute more than an hour - my commute's that bad often enough. it was sunny and friendly and fashionable and for a second i thought about LA. then i remembered that i already have days when i don't feel good about myself - i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, make enough money, etc. i don't need a ginormous city to tell me i'm not good enough everyday.

and so today, pdx wins.

a charming weekend

do you ever have one of those weekends that's just unexpectedly delightful for no apparent reason? i just had one.

it included things like sitting on my deck in the sun reading a book, riding my bicycle to meet some girls for drinks and riding back home in the dark, laying in my bed listening to the rain through the open windows, random errand chasing/aimless driving on 82nd - where no one wants to be, a great flick, some me time, and a sunday filled with a great run, some new friends and wine in the afternoon. nothing says charming like hours of conversation and needing to take a nap at 5PM on sunday.

i'm off to LA for a quick moment tomorrow...

the world may be coming to an end

here's why:

in the last six months i have embraced three things that i have been vehemently opposed to for the last 3 years, i'm pretty sure my levels are out of whack.

• in late october, knowing i was heading to munich for an extended work trip, i kind of freaked out about some tv i might miss. tv people! i freaked out about missing tv! so in an effort to remedy this situation, i added dvr to my cable line-up. i'm ashamed to admit that i love the dvr. i love it b/c i'm also strongly opposed to using television as an excuse to miss anything and refused to do it, but then would feel disappointed when i missed a show i like. now, i never ever watch real tv anymore and i also never miss any shows that i like. i actually don't think i've upped my tv watching (as i feared might happen) instead i think i watch less b/c everything takes less time without the commercials.
• for the past 4 years, i've been stealing internet from my neighbors (sorry guys, but i had to do it). i didn't want to pay for something i could get for free. it's pretty much how i felt during the napster phase right up to the point where i got scared that i was going to get caught for the 1000s of songs i'd downloaded illegally. i spent most of my so-called xmas vacation dragging my mom from coffee shop to portland coffee shop b/c i couldn't get a good connection at home to do the work i needed to do so in february i sucked it up and purchased at home internet. i now have all access all the time. yikes!
• yesterday, i bit the bullet and joined the ranks of netflix. shite! i'll probably never leave my house again now that i have movies being delivered to my door (did i mention that i recently started having organic fruits and vegetables delivered too?!)

so pretty much i have no reason to leave my house now - internet, dvr, netflix, food, etc.

this is a little bit of a sad, sad day. next thing you know i'll finally breakdown and purchase the smartphone that really is necessary for my job and all normal communication will cease immediately.

don't say i didn't warn you...

headache heartache

maybe, maybe not. i've had a headache for the last two days - the really unbearable kind as in i've been mere moments from a migraine since tuesday. technically i'm blaming it on the fact that i neglected to take my magnesium supplement (also known as the thing that's saved me from having frequent migraines for the past year) for the three nights prior to the onset.

i'm guessing i can also blame it on a few other things. i've had a lot on my mind during those few days - considering my interactions with people, realizing i may have let my friends and my talking determine how i reacted to a situation instead of looking within myself to better understand how i wanted to react to the situation.

i talk about everything with my girlfriends. it's the only way i know how to process my own thoughts. i rarely come to conclusions on my own without first running through every scenario with at least 2-3 confidantes. i'm not a risk taker with my emotions, every move overly calculated and thought out. i never open myself up to heartache, vulnerability or anything that might actually matter. it's safer that way. it's probably also a recipe for being alone.

there's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" where meg ryan talks about how there's one person who brings out the absolute worst in her and the meanest things come out of her mouth when interacting with him, things she would never say and she doesn't know why it happens with him. the character is tom hanks and in the end she ends up with him. but this meg ryan character has been me the past few weeks. i know i have the venom of a cobra when i feel cornered and trapped but in the last week plus, i've lashed out at the same person so many times that it may have gotten to the point of inexcusability - in fact, i may have permanently altered the relationship. i could blame this on some many things - my discomfort with being here and not being here, other changes, etc. but the reality is for some reason i've taken to stinging this person repeatedly and no matter what they've done to deserve it, no one deserves that. this is the internet mea culpa.

speaking of heartache, i've been thinking a lot about seattle this past week and whether moving back there now (or ever) is really going to be the right choice for me anymore. sometimes i think it might be like the year that i lived in wyoming where i wanted to go back but at some point realized it was never going to be the same. maybe seattle's my lover that i hang my hat on, but in reality i've only built it up in my mind and what i hold dear about it no longer exists or maybe it never did. i'm itching for change, but no longer know what it should be...

so that's the stream of consciousness post that you get when my head pounds so hard my eyes water...thank goodness for a sunny, warm portland day.

drowning

not in work or anything other than my dreams. the last two nights i've had very vivid dreams about drowning, me drowning. it's not a recurring dream becuase the scenarios were completely different, but the outcome the same so this morning i decided it was time to engage the dream intrepretation website and here's what i learned:

To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. If you drown to death, your relationship will fail or you will suffer major business losses. If your survive the drowning, then your relationship will be rescued by some intervention. You will rise to a higher position of wealth and honor.

i'm not exactly sure what to make of all of this since i always wake up before i survive or die, but given what's been on my mind the past few days, i guess this makes sense.

i'll keep you posted if it keeps happening, you may have to check me in.

weekend in review

i celebrated a birthday (mine) over the weekend and couldn't have asked for a better use of my days.



i woke up on saturday morning feeling the tiniest bit sorry for myself, a little tear may have even trickled down my cheek - it's been many years (maybe even 6 or 7 or 10 or maybe all my life) since i woke up by myself on my birthday. i've always had friends or family or roomates or luvahs... someone. but then i realized (in the spirit of self-affirmation and about a million other things i'm working on) that i was the only one who could make my day great. so, i promptly hopped in the shower and began one of my favorite weekends in ages.

saturday highlights include:

• a fancy coffee drink and some reading time in a NW coffee shop
• a mani and pedi as a treat
• a streetcar ride to downtown pdx ending with a view of the new will ferrell flick, blades of glory (during which i laughed out loud numerous times) and some shopping
• cup cakes from the delicious saint cupcake
• a quick snack with the doctor prior to getting gussied up to go out with the girls
• great food and the company of three beautiful, strong women that ended in drinks and discussion that helped round out my day

my time continued on sunday with:

• the much awaited eggs benedict breakfast at a new and yummy local place
• the completion of the bedroom painting project started in february
• a bike ride in the sunny weather
• a viewing of blood diamond - i cried in the opening scene...

a few hiccups during the weekend (all on my part), but all in all a fabulous weekend put on by me for me. i could get used to this...

a little bit lost

sunday morning when i knew i was heading home, i could hardly contain my excitement about returning to pdx. by monday evening the thrill had completely gone away replaced by a melancholy aloneness that i'm not sure i can totally describe.

i want to be in my house and in my current geographical home, but i have no idea what to do with myself when i'm here. having been gone for a good portion of the last 4 or 5 months has completely isolated me from the few friends i have here and on monday evening when i realized that not one person had completely changed their plans/ dropped everything just because i was back in town, the only thing i could think of wanting to do was leave again. at least in another city i can be completely anonymous and it's not weird to me that i know not a single person or that it's another saturday night and i'm sitting in a hotel alone. how do i explain this here?

i don't really think i'm meant to be alone, i'm not sure any of us are. i generally love being alone and i pride myself on my independence and my ability to be comfortable alone, but secretly i sometimes doubt that i am ever comfortable being alone -maybe i'm just a decent actor secretly waiting for someone to come rescue me from my solitude. my overall fear of being alone would explain why i reckless jump into every relationship i have and my fear of being too needy, too dependent is the reason why i never completely open myself up to anything. god forbid i would ever be "that girl". instead i try to make square pegs fit into round holes or some such analogy but never really open up to change.

i have some decisions to make in the next months and for the first time in my life i'm a little bit scared to make them.

i guess i'm glad to be home, but i don't like feeling lost...

i'm coming home!!!

i woke up this morning and couldn't wait to get to the airport (unfortunately, i had an entire day to kill before i could make the trek). i've been away from my home and my friends and other important things for 10 days this time and i'm more than antsy to get home.

now i'm sitting in the san diego airport just mere hours from my doorstep. i'm not headed into my office until wednesday and i'm going to home for 5 weeks! the longest i've been home since last october...i'm coming home!

guess i'm older than i thought

yesterday on my plane ride down to san diego (yep, you guessed it, i'm out of town AGAIN!) i read a fascinating (read: ridiculous) article on the disappearance of hollywood's underwear. hopefully, all of you have actually had your television on or looked on your computer or maybe checked out people magazine in the last six months and you're aware of the increasingly frequent spotting of hollywood's naked bits.

things i learned from the article:

• everyone's doing it - they had quotes from seemingly half of hollywood
• you need to be perfectly groomed "not one hair out of place" to do it with a body skimming gown
• it's better than the whale tail, but may cause problems with tight jeans
• only women over 40 are still wearing underwear - which i guess means that i'm so square it's hard for me to get out of a box.

the key quote? "if you want to up the ante, lose the panty"

b/c seriously this is where we're at and also possibly what this blog has become.

things i've learned...

guess what? i've been traveling again. but i had to share a couple of things i learned on my last trip (just got home last night, leaving again in 2 days!)

1. cell phones actually do work at 10,000 plus feet (in case you were wondering like i was) as evidenced by the fact that the man sitting behind me answered his cellphone not once, but twice on my plane ride home last night. i came so so so close to saying something to him as we deplaned, but i knew all of my fellow passengers felt the same way and they didn't say anything either.
2. it's apparently now completely acceptable to be middle aged and hit on the ladies just because they are occupying the seat in front of you on an airplane as evidenced by the fact that the minute i moved into my row on my departing flight last week, the man behind me starting speaking to me about how if i wanted to during the flight, i could recline my seat all the way and he would give me a massage in flight. i opted to sit straight up uncomfortably in my chair to avoid this scenario. the second we landed he informed me that it was quite a shame that i hadn't taken advantage of his in-flight massage. um yeah...b/c having some grimy strangers hands on my shoulders seems really relaxing. yum!
3. rhinestones are in as demostrated by the woman sharing my row on the above flight. rhinstones on her sweatpants, hairclip, phone, fingernails, etc. the minute we started our descent, she started primping and i almost followed her out of the airport just to see who she was meeting.
4. hollywood kisses in real life (meaning at the baggage claim) make everyone uncomfortable. thanks a ton fake red-headed lady and your boyfriend, luvah, whatever in a suit. i totally appreciate that you were excited to see each other, but we didn't need to see the tent.
5. there are some really genuinely nice people around when you least expect them. yesterday, when riding the BART to the airport from Napa, i met manny, an adorable 73 year old man who owns an italian restaurant, has 17 grandchildren and said i reminded him of one of his daughters. he gave me his business card and asked that i call him next time i'm in the bay area - he and his wife would like me and my friends to come to one of their family dinners (she only cooks mexican food at home). wonder what would happen if i actually called manny...

glad to be home, if only for a moment.

Everyday...

everyday i take the same route to work through some back streets to avoid traffic before sitting on a bridge and finally letting the horses fly on the ole interstate. and everyday i see the same mid-60s man sitting in his older pick-up truck taking a nap with the car running before heading into work. some days, if i'm running a little bit late i spy him getting out of his pick-up and heading into work, but most days he's got his head back on his headrest, eyes closed, taking in the last bits of his morning slumber. usually i worry about carbon monoxide poisoning (in fact the first time i witnessed his actions i almost pulled over thinking he had died in his car. secretly i wonder if it was my ploy to secure my 10 minutes of fame on my local news. "lady revives man from car outside workplace"). lately, i've taken to pondering what it is that compels him to nap in the mornings in his car outside his work. i've developed quite a little story about his life and i believe that he has a wife at home who always wears an apron and pantyhose and makes things like quiche for breakfast. i think she nags him a lot (mostly to do things around the house...rake the leaves, take out the garbage, etc.) and i think he's tired of it. tired of the fact he's been married to her for 30 years and every year gets a little more naggy, not less. so i think he leaves early for work everyday so that he can enjoy 20-30 minutes of piece, alone in his car, listening to his radio and catching up on his last few zzzzs. and, sometimes, i think he's probably on to something. maybe that's the secret to a successful relationship...

where my head is

this here blog has completely fallen by the way side; it's not where my head is right now. a month or so ago i actually drafted a post about how i wasn't going to blog in this space anymore, how i'd lost sight of why i started this thing and how i'd just started writing here for the sake of entertaining my readers. it's still saved as a draft...meaning, i'm not going to take this down yet. in the meantime, my posts may be sporadic while i'm figuring out how i want to use this space and for what.

a few things are going on with me right now. 1) i'm coming off the last weekend i will in town for a month, 2) i'm focusing, seriously focusing, on some people around me and they need the space and time that i have to give, 3) frankly, i have nothing newsworthy to report.

i'm going to spend the majority of the next month traveling and also hoping that it doesn't destroy or ruin or significantly alter any relationships in the process. to all of you, please accept my sincerest apologies - i cannot keep up with all of you right now and i want to and i think of you and i hope you are well, but i just can't. i also can't keep traveling like this, can't keep walking in and out of my own life - it's no way to be. my job must stay as it is and for the most part that travel is acceptable (additionally, there is the dangling carrot that travel will be decreasing in the next few months. jan.-mar. will always be my busiest months as long as i stayed employed here). but i can control the amount of travel that other activities i am involved with require and it has become clear to me that those things must end. if i'm going to travel outside of work, i want it to be for me to places i want to go to be with people i want to see. i'm holding on to one teeny tiny piece of this volunteer job, the part that i like. but the fact that it is taking me out of town for the next two weekends is enough to push me to the other side. i'm not a quitter, but this one i'm going to have to quit.

when i first moved to pdx, i used to tell people that i refused to travel back to seattle as often as was requested b/c i was dedicated to making a life for myself here. that first year, i missed so many things that related to my old friends and my old life and i really wanted to be there, but also knew i needed to be here. now i feel like i'm doing just that; avoiding being here, avoiding being anywhere b/c being somewhere makes me vulnerable and open to potential hurt, but also maybe open to good things. as much as i sometimes hate to admit it, my five year plan is based around five years in portland and if that's going to work for me, i need to be here.

i'm going to spend free time in the next few weeks working on calling when the easy thing is texting, working to figure out how to make room for all the things that currently make me smile, responding to your emails even though that means i have to look at my computer when i'm not working and generally making room in my life.

i'll post here when i can OR the next time i happen to eat shit in a public forum. it's my three week accident free anniversary tomorrow!

no sleep

i didn't sleep last night, but not exactly due to a bout with the insomnia that sometimes rules my life. i woke up at 1:15am physically ill so the television, my bathroom and i spent some serious qt in the wee hours of the night.

i ate a spinach salad for dinner last night - i thought we were back on spinach in this country? are we not and i just forgot? maybe it was the cheese or the tomatoes or the chicken. it's pretty hard to tell when some random somewhat smarmy waiter/cook/whatever is the one who made my dinner. maybe i was drugged, but my overactive imagination kind of doubts it. c'mon, i was having dinner with a 2 year old. ooh, maybe he germed up that french fry he shared with me...

i'm working today, pretending that last night never happened. well not all of it, just the part where i couldn't sleep. i had carpool plans this morning and cocktails with a new friend tonight and my personal mantra has always been if you're too sick to go to work, you're too sick to do anything. guess i'm not very sick. instead, i jumped out of bed and put on one of my best power outfits - i feel sleek and sexy and i lost 3 lbs. since yesterday. not the healthiest of diets...

my head's not into work this week. yesterday during a meeting i found myself staring out the window (not even daydreaming) just annoyed that we were even having the conversation we were having. i did what i always do when i just can't deal - i cleaned every inch of my desk, no more random piles of paper. is it 2 yet? i'd like to go to my next meeting, then skip out with a co-worker for a quick cuppa and a catch up, the clock can't move fast enough...

maybe i'm just tired.

i fall...a lot.

nope, not in love, never a free fall, i literally fall flat on my face... a lot. so much so that i'm actually beginning to think that something is the matter with me as i don't really understand how one single person could fall as often as i do.

i often tell people that the reason i think i fall so often is because i'm so overly involved in the people and things around me that i don't pay attention to myself and where i'm going. falling could also be attributed to the fact that i often wear 3+ inch heels or that i frequently come in out of the rain onto marble flooring, but really i'm starting to think it's just me. (plus the part where i often fall or at least trip and land on all fours when i'm wearing tennis shoes).

lately, though, things have gotten completely out of hand. at this precise moment in time i have two huge bruises on my body from recent falls. last week i fell two times in one day - once when i slipped coming in out of the rain at the W hotel. i literally fell down with my hands full in the midst of hundreds of people drinking HH in the lobby. immediately 3 or 4 men rushed over to try and pick me up (my hands were overly full), but i was kind of stuck there like a fish out of water and needed everyone to move away so that i could hoist myself off the floor. later that same night i managed to fall down the stairs of the restaurant we had dinner in, in front of about 10 colleagues. the result? a stair shaped bruise six inches long on my ass.

mostly i just laugh it off, except when i don't. and i don't when the people around me can't let it go. i'm still hearing about last week's falls this week and frankly i don't need anything more than the physical bruises (and the bruises to my ego) to remind me. do you know that when i meet people now, i just tell them about my falling right up front so they don't have to be weirded out the first time i eat shit after grabbing a drink or some such with them? it's gotten a bit ridiculous.

today, i got a bit of a chuckle as one of my co-workers had left instructions on how to fall down on my desk. the great thing is that she didn't know about last week's falls so this really was in fun. i'm happy to report that at least i've been properly using the falling and have tip top form.

here's what i'm talking about:
"When the inevitable occurs, try the following for minimal bruising to body and ego:"

1. "Go limp. If you try to play it off like you were just breaking into a jog, you'll gain momentum which means harder impact." check. i learned quite a few falls ago that it's way easier to just end up on the ground than to try to recover from the sort of falls i partake in.

2. "Use your hands. Grab onto a wall, banister, or person (taking care not to bring them down with you). You won't land as hard or bruise as much." check. i grabbed onto the banister with all my might the other night - it still didn't stop me from landing on my ass and half the wait staff running over to see if they could help. additionally, some of you may remember a certain fall i had during my college years (i landed on my face then, so at least i've gotten better there - the result a black eye) where i took out the girl walking with me and we ended in a giant pile with my dress up around my neck - AWKWARD!!!

3. "It's better to fall backward on your behind than forward on your face. The exception is climbing stairs, in which case attempt to catch yourself with your hands and knees. In all instances, avoid the chin plant." check. see details about ass bruise and #2 above.

4. "Get up as fast as possible, with little fanfare. Don't examine the sidewalk accusingly. Tell concerned passerby you're fine, and walk away briskly." check - i do this in all situations regardless of how badly i've hurt myself (see earlier post about breaking my hand).

5. "Try to laugh." check - i laugh for days most of the time when i fall. unfortunately, so do most people around me and i often think it's uncomfortable laughter. i actually started to think that my co-workers may think i have some sort of problem.

i've taken the liberty of posting this entire article on my cube wall in the hopes that it will help me focus on overcoming this little issue. if not, maybe it's time to have my head checked....literally.

you might have noticed...

that i've gone missing again. it's what i do right before i head off to a big event; i hunker down and get the job done, working a million hours in the week or so leading up to an event, it leaves little time to do anything but come home to get some sleep at night. sometimes, if you're lucky, i might write a great big post on the airplane or at some moment during my travels, but i save the good stuff for when i'm living my real life at home.

newsflash: i have one major week-long plus work commitment every month through july so you can expect one major disappearance from me every month prior to my leaving. at least now you'll know where i am when i disappear.

things to note:

• i'll resurface next week back in pdx - after having spent last weekend without talking to a soul until arriving at the airport on sunday, this weekend holds b-day parties and girls' nights and fun (and actually a good chunk of work-like activities as well).
• i have one free weekend in february.
• i have to travel again soon, too soon.
• sometimes i get homesick for my bed and my space and the me that's me when i'm at home. i don't sleep when i travel.
• sometimes i hate the me that travels all the time. i hate that a man walked up to me today and asked about my job and then looked at my hand, said you're not married, so at least that explains why you do it. no, i do it b/c i love it and even though i sometimes hate the traveling me, the work fits me.
• i made myself more than uncomfortable the other day when discussing (with another foodie) the increasing cost of flank steak. my comment? perhaps you should only use flank steak as your "formal meat". who says things like this? formal meat? what exactly does that mean?

i'm guessing you're used to this "me" now.

coming off the weekend high

i had one of those completely unexpected, utterly fantastic weekends - the kind that makes it a little bit harder to get out of bed on a monday morning, just because you wish that the fun could continue.

last week i was in a bit of a slump all week and extra disappointed b/c it was the one weekend i was in pdx in the entire month of january and i had no plans. i think i've fallen off people's radars these days as i'm completely unreliable due to the fact that i'm pretty much never anywhere.

friday, my friend the doctor and i headed out for a couple drinks which turned into many drinks, the doctor yelling at a man who was harassing me, a line of men waiting to buy us drinks after the yelling, a fall, a split open knee and a tear in my favorite jeans (not related to drinking actually) - it was one of those truly random and very fun evenings - you can't plan these things.

saturday involved walks and puzzles and me time, which ran into saturday night with an impromptu dinner party, some friends unexpectedly in from seattle and finally the chance to meet the notorious "LO".

sunday, a perfectly sunny day, sun roof open, reading in coffee shops, more walks, and "getting my life together" with the cooking and the laundry and the caulking of the bathroom window.

things accomplished this weekend: 1/2 of a 1000 piece puzzle, a new paint color for the bedroom, less fear of mold in the bathroom, much laughter and maybe a little bit of dancing to "pour some sugar on me".

how to focus on work when that happened?

you heard it here first

last night i swung by borders to finally, finally get a 2007 calendar. (for those of you that don't know me, you should know that having a calendar posted in my cubicle is paramount to the success of me. i need it to make me feel good about crossing out every day to note the passage of time). i've only been in my office 6 days in 2007 and everyday felt this huge gaping hole when i didn't have a day to cross off. the good news about waiting so long? calendars were only $4! and i got a great angry little girls calendar to match the book Nata got me a couple years ago for my b-day.

since i'd driven around for 20 mins. trying to find a parking space, i thought i would spend some time browsing the store while i was in there. i rounded the corner past the self-help section and there was that damn "he's just not that into you" book that everyone raves about. please note: i have never ever picked up this book before yesterday, but have secretly wondered what it was all about. so last night, i threw caution into the wind and picked that sucker up and starting thumbing through the first few chapters.

here's what i learned:

1. the font in that thing is huge! pretty much making that man feel like he wrote a really long and useful book, but didn't.
2. 90% of the text is fake emails with his responses. um, if i ever write a book it will not be in that format.
3. any guy who isn't knocking down your door, bringing you flowers everyday, calling you every minute, being pretty much a stalker is just not that into you.

which i guess explains why every single relationship or male encounter i have ever had has not worked out.

i like tights

just thought i'd share this little tidbit b/c i have a lot to say today.

i'm wearing a skirt today with some textured tights (i like to try to wear skirts a couple times a week - it's supposed to make me feel more feminine; sometimes it works). today as i was walking down the hall at work i realized why i really like to wear skirts with textured tights in the winter...it's b/c then i don't have to feel my fat legs touch ever - the tights keep 'em separated.

hooray, for the ridiculous invention that is pantyhose!

kicked out of the club

remember a while back when i went to dinner club? and how i thought they might not invite me back?

um, apparently i totally got kicked out of the club!!! at the end of last dinner club we decided on a date and location for the next dinner club. i came home and dutifully noted both on my calendar. as the weeks went by and the day drew near, my email was silent, no email reminders, no looking forward to seeing yous, no nothings. then, a couple days before the event i learned that i needed to travel on the date of the dinner club so i went back through my emails and tracked down the leader's info. i sent her a nice email saying i thought the next dinner club was rapidly approaching, i couldn't attend, but wanted to be included next month. no response. now i've emailed with this woman on several occassions so i know that it wasn't the right email address or that she didn't know who i was or...i think i'm getting the silent treatment - FROM MY DINNER CLUB!!!

seriously, i'm used to this happening when i go out with boys and they don't have the balls to tell me they're not interested or they met someone or there's football on or whatever, but my DINNER CLUB??? i'm hurt!

guess it's official, my chatterbox mouth is reason 8760 why i'm not allowed to leave my house. good thing big plans this weekend include recaulking my bathroom window.

little baby's growing up

this little baby is growing up so fast! today we upgraded to the new blogger so that she could accept comments from all of you even if you don't have blogger log-ins.

we might be asking for trouble here...

reflections on being alone

being alone is a great, liberating feeling right up to the point where it's not. the past few days have put me deep into thought about being alone. a little insight into what's in my head these days:

• i spent saturday morning curled up on my couch, tears running down my face, catching up on some dvr'd shows. for some reason this drama touched me a bit too much? as i was sniffling my way through two cups of coffee, i cherished my alone time b/c for once no explanation was needed for my tears.
• saturday night ended up being a girls night and i fumbled around my house at 1am not worrying about needing to be quiet or who might ask where i'd been.
• last night i came home from my third business trip in as many weeks and realized that i have not had someone (other than my mother) pick me up at the airport since 2003. suddenly lonliness snaked it's way inside and a bit of reality set in. while i love that no one ever asks when i come or go, no one ever knows when i come or go. no one was happy i was home, most people didn't even know i was gone...
• so, i spent last night curled up in a blanket, lights out, candles lit listening to my music while reflecting. for a melancholy night, i was definitely glad that no one asked what on earth i was listening to.
• today i woke up on the absolute worst side of the bed - perhaps a result of excess time in my own noggin. it would've been nice to have someone to tell.

#####

in other news...the other night after several hours of good conversation a man brushed some hair out of my face in conjunction with our parting hug. this seemingly innocent gesture was somehow surprisingly intimate so much so that i'm still thinking about it days later.

airport notes

i'm sitting in the portland airport eating the most over priced nasty airport salad - i know it's my meal for the evening, i don't get to my destination until late, so i'll eat every bite of it and try to pick out the really nasty parts.

i'm traveling again. gone today, back tomorrow, gone again in a few days. thank goodness i sort of kicked the cold so at least my head won't explode in flight - that would be gross!

at least i'm going somewhere warm and sunny (although i didn't really pack for warm and sunny knowing i will be inside a lot and coming back to pdx very quickly). the weather's still awful here (supposed to snow more tonight) and when i called for a cab to bring me to the airport they said it could be any time between 20 minutes and 2 hours - other cab companies i called didn't even answer. thankfully the cab arrived just shy of 20 mins. later and i was saved the chore of driving myself to the airport in this weather.

i'm wearing pink. i like pink. i put this sweater on (that i never wear b/c i think it's quite boxy) just for this trip. it's enjoying it's adventure, i'm sure.

that's all i've got - just some ramblings. i've been spending time this week using my real words to compose emails of actual substance and prepare for meetings to come. so tonight...ramble on.

snow day

it might be raining in baltimore, but today it's snowing in portland. i've been in my office 1.5 days since the new year - between travel and sick and holidays and snow the working from the office has been minimal.

i woke up this morning to inches on my porch railing and the news that it was best to work from home if you could. people are cross country skiing on the sidewalks and cars are sliding everywhere - kids sledding, people bundled up walking their dogs and everyone stopping in at the local coffee shop for a cuppa. snow makes everything better, it cleans the soul and the streets. people are friendlier (an unexpected day away from work/school can make almost anyone charming), and there's a sense of community that never exists in the cities. it's not as much like this in co, but in the nw where we don't get snow often, it brings us together and makes the experience that much more special. that's today for me. cozied with a cup of coffee and the stereo rocking out and working - it's a great day. i want to make snow angels and walk hand in mittened hand with someone.

it's cold. it's beautiful. it's tuesday.

the neighborhood in snow...

goodbyes make me crazy

tonight i said goodbye to a dear friend and ex-luvah who's off on quite a grand adventure (to tokyo).

i once went on a grand adventure with him - he's why i came to portland; the adventure being the possibility of a life together. obviously, that adventure didn't go so well.

the thing is...i'm terrible at goodbyes - i always cry and the tears rolled down my face as i said goodbye to this good friend off to experience new things. part of me is jealous b/c i'm staying here in portland, committed to whatever life i have here right now. and also a bit jealous b/c he's off doing something fun and new while i continue deal with mortgages and mold; it'd be easier if i could hide in the suitcase, just for the adventure.

at any rate, here's to KP! happy travels...

Vegas Recap

i'm back from Las Vegas and officially lifting the silence curtain that has hidden the blog for the last week. overall, it was a good trip both work and otherwise. i came home with a cold that has settled in my chest and i sound bee-yoo-ti-ful today.

so...for your friday, thought i'd leave you with my top 5 things learned in vegas (relating neither to work nor vegas itself):

1. it feels pretty darn good to ask for what you want, even if the outcome isn't quite what you were hoping for.

2. sometimes getting too drunk can result in a good thing.

3. sending out a buzzed email is a safe way of flirting.

4. a stuffed bleu cheese olive dirty martini a day really does keep the doctor away (although somehow this doesn't really explain why i am sick now)

5. sometimes you just need a great big bear hug from an old friend.

happy friday my dears - i have a long weeked and am going to try to get my voice back up into the female octave.

vegas, baby

i'm in las vegas for a week - have already been here for a couple days and prior to today had nothing to report other than the fact that my laptop bag had given me a giant raspberry on my neck while standing in the 45 min. taxi line at the airport. that, and the fact that i helped accidentally push a colleagues card (that fell out of her billfold) under a machine never to be found again. in other words my work focus is helping me to behave myself in vegas.

i don't ever talk about anything real on this site and i probably never will - i spend far too much time protecting the innocent as they don't deserve the points where their lives collide with mine, aired in this public forum. i don't talk about the way things make me feel or what i really think (unless it's a good funny story, usually involving something ridiculous i've done). i won't now either.

and not to turn this into the lamest cliffhanger of all time, my dear readers, but i'm going to step back from this for a few days. i'm going to write in my real journal, the one where i do talk about the real stuff. i met up with a friend in vegas last night and the encounter left me with a lot of things to think about and work through. even though all i want to do is work through it here, it's not the right thing to do so i'm going to sign-off from here until i return to portland and am able to share the same old silly megan stories.

that's where i'll be, in my head.

but if you need a good laugh picture this: i caught my heel on some tile in the Paris hotel today and did a face plant in the middle of the casino - my backpack nearly knocked me out and the colleague i was walking with thought i was joking around b/c of something she said. only i, would really actually fall. here's another bruise for the bruise collection.

2007 kick-off

hello, hello, hello….and welcome to aught seven. here’s the update that you, my faithful readers, have been waiting for. please note: this post is about eleventeen hundred words long so you have that to look forward to.

first off, can we talk about how thrilled i am that 2006 is over? not so much my favorite year – there were definitely some highlights – a new condo, a new (and very cool) kitty, great fashion (ha!), some good tv, trips to NY, DC, AZ, TX, CO, Germany and many, many trips to WA. overall the bads far outweighed the goods and i was more pleased than ever to remove the ’06 calendar from my wall and place the clean slate of ’07 in plain view.

before we begin on all things 2007 let’s recap where i’ve been while you’ve been thinking i was MIA. after my last post, i pretended to take some time off work to celebrate the holidays – that was really a funny joke b/c i worked pretty much full time getting ready for the event whose plane ride has provided me with ample time to give you this update. i was able to host some family members in the teeny tiny condo over the holidays – three people + one bathroom + one broken back = too small of living space. i did get a Christmas tree for the first time in 3 or 4 years and it pretty much crowded out the remainder of my living space in the condo. two days before my break i had “fudgetastrophy 2006” the moment when i decided it would be a good idea to make fudge for my co-workers and neighbors for xmas treats so…at approx. 10:30 one night i embarked on a fudge making adventure only to end up with a disaster, fudge all over the stove and kitchen floor, a never ending growing marshmallow mess and fudge that really ended up being like ganache.

for 2007 one of my goals is to re-focus on my love of cooking and all things fancy food. i started on it a bit early as you might remember from this post, but decided to take it a bit further on xmas day. i made my holiday guests a delicious-o meal (if i do say so myself) of home infused pomegranate vodka martinis, garlic mashed potatoes, seared flank steak with a red wine, mushroom and bleu cheese reduction and my fabulous green beans. for dessert we stuffed ourselves with pears in red wine sauce and vanilla ice cream followed by kahlua in our coffee and homemade bailey’s courtesy of rosie – yum! in this new year, my hope is to encourage all those around me to enjoy at least one link-made meal per quarter. i hope some of you can make it.

just two hours after my xmas houseguests were dropped off at the airport, i got a call from a couple seattle friends looking for a place to stay so T and a new friend T swung by and picked me up for drinks and fun in the neighborhood.

reality check: i officially think this post now sounds like a year-in-review xmas letter and since i don’t believe in these things and would never send one i guess you can say that it’s seeped in and appeared on my blog.

i brought the new year in with an unexpected bang this year (wherin i may have unexpectedly kissed a boy - but we won't discuss this here). T & T were still in town and another friend K had arrived from Sacramento. Our friend G had a fun little soiree at her house and T, T & i ended up becoming the official party. my legs hurt for the first three days of the new year. (i guess that’s what you get for waving your ass in the air for approx. eleventeen hours on the NYE). i’m hoping to receive some pictures from the evening and may post here. apparently, i spent a good hunk of the early hours of jan. 1 doing something on the floor and i KNOW my famous patented dance move came out more than once – oh dear! gueessing these folks won’t be having me to any of their parties in 2007.

i’ve spent this week frantically preparing for this trip and knowing i was immediately going to go MIA again. i have at least one major work trip planned for every month in the first half of this year (so overall i guess it’s good y’all don’t know where i live in case you’d gotten some crazy stalker symptoms).

2007 already has a mantra – open and optimistic. i’m hoping to really embrace this in regards to oh-so-many things so when my negative nancy rears her ugly head remind me, okay?

i’m also hoping some of you out-o-towner punks will make it to the great pdx this year – would love to see your cute faces in my area.

2007 also brings the promise to share many funny stories in the form of frequent updates on this blog – you can expect that even with the open and optimistic I’ll still manage to make a fool of myself, quite possibly more than usual.

so readers, welcome to the aught seven – hope your holidays and new years were fruitful and that you’ll remain loyal to my shameless ramblings on the old “no kool-aid here.”

the big post

is forthcoming, i promise.

i'm headed out on a plane for another biz trip tomorrow and plan to use plane time to compose the massive post that you're looking for.

i know i disappeared for a couple weeks here...i've been many, many feet under water with work (mostly) and holidays and company and new years and all of it. there's much to share....wait for it. :)