TMI

today while being held completely captive and having sharp objects digging around in my mouth at the dentist's, the hygienist told me all of the details of the kidney stone she's currently trying to pass.

nothing's worse than being strapped in a chair and have to nod while some shares something that makes you completely uncomfortable and is clearly tmi.

beside manner, people. work on it.

Amazonian. But in a good way.

i finally understand how all of you, my tall friends, have felt around me, the shrimp, for the entire length of our friendship, relationship, whatev.

in the last two days i have felt positively amazonian on multiple occasions, towering over colleagues and co-workers in a way that i did not deem humanly possible for myself.

i mean, i know these are some smoking hot platform espadrilles, but c'mon! amazon?!

well on the bright side, i now know what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes...

"honey, i can't leave the house without my hair dun..."

i spent at least half of my drive to work this morning behind a woman with a full head of rollers in her hair.

i found it part endearing and part disturbing - i don't think she was really old enough for the curlers and frankly how was she going to manage that when she got to the office?

weighty issues

i don't do much real talking about me on this site - there's not a real need to. i prefer to keep it to things i see or feel but i've been toying with this post for a long time now and a recent turn of events has this back on my mind in even fuller force.



i'm not a skinny girl, i prefer to be described as curvy. i will never be a skinny girl, believe me, i've tried. i've dabbled with eating disorders (like nearly every woman of my generation) multiple times in my life. amazing results, really. i've been shocked by the positive feedback i've received every time i've slimmed down to a size 2 or size 0, meanwhile i'm starving myself and no one seems to notice. it's no wonder we love these things (eating disorders), positive reinforcement for being positively unhealthy, way to go society, way to perpetuate a major issue. in fact, i'd probably be in some sort of wacky nicole richie state of affairs if it weren't for a great college boyfriend who once told me that if i lost one more pound he was checking me into a clinic PERIOD end of story. there are very few people who will call you out on your shit and make you listen and while we haven't dated in years this action probably explains why he is still someone i consider a dear friend some 10 years later.



currently, i need to lose some weight, it's true. all of my travel this year has allowed me to pack on about 7 pounds that i don't need on my 5'2" frame. 5 lbs on me, is enough to make me chunkier and curvier than i should be and i know it. i work out when i can, i eat healthy when i can and i will slim down when i can.



another thing i know about me...i'm not gorgeous, never will be. no one in my entire life will ever describe me as gorgeous, because frankly i'm not. cute yes, gorgeous, no. it's just not me. believe me, i want to me an 89 lb waify, gorgeous something but with this rack, it ain't gonna happen. let's just leave it at that.



i struggle with my weight each and every day of my life. i struggle with my looks each and every day of my life. every single day of my entire adult life, i have gotten up and criticized every single thing about my looks, weight, body, life, etc. it's literally part of who i am. it's definitely part of who i will always be. my body image issues have held me back from having many successful relationships and god knows what else in my life. i allow the mirror to completely deplete my ability to accept that i deserve something better. i know it and i still do it.



rarely do other people feed into my own issues and for that i am thankful. i have ex-friend who i used to call the first person to give the worst compliment, "oh link, sometimes i forget you can be pretty" was one of her best and most frequent lines. i think it was intended as a compliment, but never quite came out that way. she's an ex-friend b/c of many reasons, but obviously i don't need some to remind me that i'm apparently just not pretty enough. enough said.



these days, i sometimes hang out with a guy who initially intimidated the shit out of me b/c he is truly a beautiful man. i spent the first 5 or 6 times i hung out with him literally laughing my ass off b/c i honestly thought that there was no way that this person could want anything to do with a chunky little blondie like me. i built him up in my mind to be someone he was not, is not. we've all got our baggage, he's got his too and in the end it probably balances out. don't think i don't still wonder what the heck i'm doing hanging out with this guy - he should probably hang with some 23-year old skinny, not me.



women are incredibly catty people, i think all of us want something we cannot have and i think we sometimes say mean things out of jealousy or god knows what drives us to be evil, evil people but i try to save my friends from my criticism of other women. i want to be anyone i'm not. i think all of my girlfriends are beautiful in their own way and would never want them to feel that i didn't think so, but apparently they don't all feel the same for me. in telling a "friend" about above companion, she remarked that "you're lucky he is able to look past the physical, because you're cute and all, but...". but what? you think i'm some sort of fat ass, who doesn't deserve to date an attractive man? is that what you really think of me?

because if it is? i don't need it. and i don't need you. i spend enough of my days berating myself, i don't need your help. i'm doing the best i can to be the best that i can and if you can't support that, then i can no longer support our friendship.


this post has been brought to you by the words rant and the letters L and B.

"i'd like to check you for ticks." ???

lyrics to a song i just heard on the radio.



endearing i suppose, but not really the pick-up line i'm dying to hear.



please refrain from suggesting this when you see me.



k? thanks.

the worst kind of alone

just like everything that's in my head and my heart right now, i put myself here. into the complete aloneness. i have to be here right now, i have to figure out what to do next and how to fix what's broken, what's wrong. for the first time in my entire life, i'm choosing not to repeatedly discuss over and over with each and every one of you what i'm dealing with. instead, i'm closing you all off, shutting down until i can figure out what i should do, what i should say.

i'm fine. i'll be fine. because i have to be fine. i don't allow myself another choice. i'll make something work that will fix this and maybe i'll tell you about it one day but i probably won't.

for the record, my health is fine (knock on wood), no one has died and i still have my job.

i've been out and about, but only with people who don't know me well enough to ask questions. when you ask me how i am, i tear up and tell you i won't talk about it - they don't ask, they don't know to ask. i prefer it that way.

i'm perfecting the art of blending in, of being silent. when alone in my car (where i was a lot the past few days) i've even learned to sing quietly. i used to sing at the top of my lungs.

this weekend i had the opportunity to forget for a moment, but when i closed my eyes to sleep it all came back to me.

the only one i can count on is myself. i got myself in and i'll get myself out.

can i please come home?

or better yet...can i please stay home?

barely a week back from my last trip to LV and this week brought me down to LA. overall, a successful trip to la la, but some unfinished work has me so antsy i can hardly stand it.

found out late last week, i'll need to take a major trip in june after all - one i had hoped to get out of. i was out of it, until an unexpected turn of events put me back in. it's all the work that needs to go into the prep for that trip, combined with some personal issues, that has me in a funk and so anxious i'm worthless. i'm sitting in the la airport now jiggling my foot as if i were taking some lucky child on the best horsey ride ever. no such luck.

speaking of luck, i guess it's my good fortune to not only get to travel in june, but also in july. so far it's looking like the only month i won't travel this year is september, but c'mon it's a bit early to try to make those kinds of committments, no?

when i'm away from portland, i'm always really anxious about having to go back. i always think i don't belong there and get hungry for something else. and then i come back and sometimes there are people and friends and co-workers and whatnot who are glad to see me and they make me think maybe i'll be okay. but then i have to remember to remind them i'm there...

ugh! can i come home?

an owen meany moment...

i think i know how i'm going to die. i can't tell you the number of times the scenario has played itself out in my mind over the last few weeks. every saturday and sunday i run many miles on the city streets of portland. and, every week at one point or another i envision my run in with a car. when it happened again yesterday, i actually thought it through and considered that perhaps this is why i am at the junction that i am at in my life.

either that or i've been watching waaayyyy too much Six Feet Under, it's hard to say really.


ps - if you haven't read it, please do.

fortunate fortune

in the week leading up to major travel, i always have lunch brought in every day. today was chinese food and i couldn't have asked for a more apropos fortune in my cookie...

"While you're carrying a grudge, others are out dancing."

i taped it to my computer monitor so i can remember.

ps - i'm leaving again tomorrow.

so incredibly self-centered...

that i'm probably about to spontaneously combust. just by being me.

yesterday i allowed someone else's actions to maybe make me not feel so good about myself so today i wore a smokin' hot dress to work b/c i knew people would tell me i looked cute. and today, my friends, i need to hear that i look cute/ smokin' hot/ whatevs.

my work friends always make me feel good about myself and today i needed them to do that. i just stopped by one of my work friends cubicles for the required compliment (under the guise of dropping something off, okay really i did have something work-related to drop off) and she's not even here to give me the obligatory compliment - wtf?!

b/c really folks, that's what got under my skin today...yep, me, so incredibly self-centered.

i think there's a song about me, "your so vain..."

a duck in the city

somehow a mama duck and her baby got themselves into the middle lane of traffic on the interstate during rush hour this morning. i saw them frantically trying to weave their way through the fast moving traffic and in my rearview mirror a semi truck hitting the baby while the mother fluttered out of the way.

i can't speak to her fate, but i wonder if ducks mourn losses the way we do...

it made me sad.

strawberries

sorry in advance for the randomness of this post - it's pure stream of consciousness...

i threw my morning completely out of whack today just by adding strawberries to my breakfast smoothie. i was trying to use up some fresh strawberries and mixed them with my frozen berries and suddenly everything was out of whack - my smoothie was too sweet and not as thick as it usually is and...hmmm, something's not good.

it's funny how that's the thing that threw me into a tizzy. yesterday wasn't exactly great - too little sleep, too much wine and fun on sunday night led to a misstep in my week's kick-off but somehow i didn't feel completely out of whack in my monday fog.

it's fascinating the things that affect me.

i was in LA last week for a few days and have been formulating a blog post in my mind ever since i returned. out for drinks with a friend the other night, he asked me what the blog post would be knowing full well that the wheels in my little head were turning thinking of what statement i wanted to make and why. another friend reminded me of the bloggers syndrome - the whole idea that every encounter must result in a blog post and therefore you begin looking at your entire being as a story you will tell online - i try not to do it anymore, but i definitely have. now i just stick to the random minutiae of my life or other such silliness.

i wanted to blog about these girls that i had lunch with in lala. it was a business meeting that turned into a "my story about dating at our age" discussion. the moral of the story? dating in LA is worse than dating here...i think. two gorgeous gals telling me about the actors and the insecurities and the need to drive a mercedes and i'm thinking well at least i don't have to weed through all of that.

for a minute i could see myself living in LA, except for the part where i had to maneuver my SUV across the millions of lanes of traffic on every highway. everyone i talked to said they don't commute more than an hour - my commute's that bad often enough. it was sunny and friendly and fashionable and for a second i thought about LA. then i remembered that i already have days when i don't feel good about myself - i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, make enough money, etc. i don't need a ginormous city to tell me i'm not good enough everyday.

and so today, pdx wins.

a charming weekend

do you ever have one of those weekends that's just unexpectedly delightful for no apparent reason? i just had one.

it included things like sitting on my deck in the sun reading a book, riding my bicycle to meet some girls for drinks and riding back home in the dark, laying in my bed listening to the rain through the open windows, random errand chasing/aimless driving on 82nd - where no one wants to be, a great flick, some me time, and a sunday filled with a great run, some new friends and wine in the afternoon. nothing says charming like hours of conversation and needing to take a nap at 5PM on sunday.

i'm off to LA for a quick moment tomorrow...

the world may be coming to an end

here's why:

in the last six months i have embraced three things that i have been vehemently opposed to for the last 3 years, i'm pretty sure my levels are out of whack.

• in late october, knowing i was heading to munich for an extended work trip, i kind of freaked out about some tv i might miss. tv people! i freaked out about missing tv! so in an effort to remedy this situation, i added dvr to my cable line-up. i'm ashamed to admit that i love the dvr. i love it b/c i'm also strongly opposed to using television as an excuse to miss anything and refused to do it, but then would feel disappointed when i missed a show i like. now, i never ever watch real tv anymore and i also never miss any shows that i like. i actually don't think i've upped my tv watching (as i feared might happen) instead i think i watch less b/c everything takes less time without the commercials.
• for the past 4 years, i've been stealing internet from my neighbors (sorry guys, but i had to do it). i didn't want to pay for something i could get for free. it's pretty much how i felt during the napster phase right up to the point where i got scared that i was going to get caught for the 1000s of songs i'd downloaded illegally. i spent most of my so-called xmas vacation dragging my mom from coffee shop to portland coffee shop b/c i couldn't get a good connection at home to do the work i needed to do so in february i sucked it up and purchased at home internet. i now have all access all the time. yikes!
• yesterday, i bit the bullet and joined the ranks of netflix. shite! i'll probably never leave my house again now that i have movies being delivered to my door (did i mention that i recently started having organic fruits and vegetables delivered too?!)

so pretty much i have no reason to leave my house now - internet, dvr, netflix, food, etc.

this is a little bit of a sad, sad day. next thing you know i'll finally breakdown and purchase the smartphone that really is necessary for my job and all normal communication will cease immediately.

don't say i didn't warn you...

headache heartache

maybe, maybe not. i've had a headache for the last two days - the really unbearable kind as in i've been mere moments from a migraine since tuesday. technically i'm blaming it on the fact that i neglected to take my magnesium supplement (also known as the thing that's saved me from having frequent migraines for the past year) for the three nights prior to the onset.

i'm guessing i can also blame it on a few other things. i've had a lot on my mind during those few days - considering my interactions with people, realizing i may have let my friends and my talking determine how i reacted to a situation instead of looking within myself to better understand how i wanted to react to the situation.

i talk about everything with my girlfriends. it's the only way i know how to process my own thoughts. i rarely come to conclusions on my own without first running through every scenario with at least 2-3 confidantes. i'm not a risk taker with my emotions, every move overly calculated and thought out. i never open myself up to heartache, vulnerability or anything that might actually matter. it's safer that way. it's probably also a recipe for being alone.

there's a scene in the movie "you've got mail" where meg ryan talks about how there's one person who brings out the absolute worst in her and the meanest things come out of her mouth when interacting with him, things she would never say and she doesn't know why it happens with him. the character is tom hanks and in the end she ends up with him. but this meg ryan character has been me the past few weeks. i know i have the venom of a cobra when i feel cornered and trapped but in the last week plus, i've lashed out at the same person so many times that it may have gotten to the point of inexcusability - in fact, i may have permanently altered the relationship. i could blame this on some many things - my discomfort with being here and not being here, other changes, etc. but the reality is for some reason i've taken to stinging this person repeatedly and no matter what they've done to deserve it, no one deserves that. this is the internet mea culpa.

speaking of heartache, i've been thinking a lot about seattle this past week and whether moving back there now (or ever) is really going to be the right choice for me anymore. sometimes i think it might be like the year that i lived in wyoming where i wanted to go back but at some point realized it was never going to be the same. maybe seattle's my lover that i hang my hat on, but in reality i've only built it up in my mind and what i hold dear about it no longer exists or maybe it never did. i'm itching for change, but no longer know what it should be...

so that's the stream of consciousness post that you get when my head pounds so hard my eyes water...thank goodness for a sunny, warm portland day.

drowning

not in work or anything other than my dreams. the last two nights i've had very vivid dreams about drowning, me drowning. it's not a recurring dream becuase the scenarios were completely different, but the outcome the same so this morning i decided it was time to engage the dream intrepretation website and here's what i learned:

To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts. If you drown to death, your relationship will fail or you will suffer major business losses. If your survive the drowning, then your relationship will be rescued by some intervention. You will rise to a higher position of wealth and honor.

i'm not exactly sure what to make of all of this since i always wake up before i survive or die, but given what's been on my mind the past few days, i guess this makes sense.

i'll keep you posted if it keeps happening, you may have to check me in.

weekend in review

i celebrated a birthday (mine) over the weekend and couldn't have asked for a better use of my days.



i woke up on saturday morning feeling the tiniest bit sorry for myself, a little tear may have even trickled down my cheek - it's been many years (maybe even 6 or 7 or 10 or maybe all my life) since i woke up by myself on my birthday. i've always had friends or family or roomates or luvahs... someone. but then i realized (in the spirit of self-affirmation and about a million other things i'm working on) that i was the only one who could make my day great. so, i promptly hopped in the shower and began one of my favorite weekends in ages.

saturday highlights include:

• a fancy coffee drink and some reading time in a NW coffee shop
• a mani and pedi as a treat
• a streetcar ride to downtown pdx ending with a view of the new will ferrell flick, blades of glory (during which i laughed out loud numerous times) and some shopping
• cup cakes from the delicious saint cupcake
• a quick snack with the doctor prior to getting gussied up to go out with the girls
• great food and the company of three beautiful, strong women that ended in drinks and discussion that helped round out my day

my time continued on sunday with:

• the much awaited eggs benedict breakfast at a new and yummy local place
• the completion of the bedroom painting project started in february
• a bike ride in the sunny weather
• a viewing of blood diamond - i cried in the opening scene...

a few hiccups during the weekend (all on my part), but all in all a fabulous weekend put on by me for me. i could get used to this...

a little bit lost

sunday morning when i knew i was heading home, i could hardly contain my excitement about returning to pdx. by monday evening the thrill had completely gone away replaced by a melancholy aloneness that i'm not sure i can totally describe.

i want to be in my house and in my current geographical home, but i have no idea what to do with myself when i'm here. having been gone for a good portion of the last 4 or 5 months has completely isolated me from the few friends i have here and on monday evening when i realized that not one person had completely changed their plans/ dropped everything just because i was back in town, the only thing i could think of wanting to do was leave again. at least in another city i can be completely anonymous and it's not weird to me that i know not a single person or that it's another saturday night and i'm sitting in a hotel alone. how do i explain this here?

i don't really think i'm meant to be alone, i'm not sure any of us are. i generally love being alone and i pride myself on my independence and my ability to be comfortable alone, but secretly i sometimes doubt that i am ever comfortable being alone -maybe i'm just a decent actor secretly waiting for someone to come rescue me from my solitude. my overall fear of being alone would explain why i reckless jump into every relationship i have and my fear of being too needy, too dependent is the reason why i never completely open myself up to anything. god forbid i would ever be "that girl". instead i try to make square pegs fit into round holes or some such analogy but never really open up to change.

i have some decisions to make in the next months and for the first time in my life i'm a little bit scared to make them.

i guess i'm glad to be home, but i don't like feeling lost...

i'm coming home!!!

i woke up this morning and couldn't wait to get to the airport (unfortunately, i had an entire day to kill before i could make the trek). i've been away from my home and my friends and other important things for 10 days this time and i'm more than antsy to get home.

now i'm sitting in the san diego airport just mere hours from my doorstep. i'm not headed into my office until wednesday and i'm going to home for 5 weeks! the longest i've been home since last october...i'm coming home!

guess i'm older than i thought

yesterday on my plane ride down to san diego (yep, you guessed it, i'm out of town AGAIN!) i read a fascinating (read: ridiculous) article on the disappearance of hollywood's underwear. hopefully, all of you have actually had your television on or looked on your computer or maybe checked out people magazine in the last six months and you're aware of the increasingly frequent spotting of hollywood's naked bits.

things i learned from the article:

• everyone's doing it - they had quotes from seemingly half of hollywood
• you need to be perfectly groomed "not one hair out of place" to do it with a body skimming gown
• it's better than the whale tail, but may cause problems with tight jeans
• only women over 40 are still wearing underwear - which i guess means that i'm so square it's hard for me to get out of a box.

the key quote? "if you want to up the ante, lose the panty"

b/c seriously this is where we're at and also possibly what this blog has become.

things i've learned...

guess what? i've been traveling again. but i had to share a couple of things i learned on my last trip (just got home last night, leaving again in 2 days!)

1. cell phones actually do work at 10,000 plus feet (in case you were wondering like i was) as evidenced by the fact that the man sitting behind me answered his cellphone not once, but twice on my plane ride home last night. i came so so so close to saying something to him as we deplaned, but i knew all of my fellow passengers felt the same way and they didn't say anything either.
2. it's apparently now completely acceptable to be middle aged and hit on the ladies just because they are occupying the seat in front of you on an airplane as evidenced by the fact that the minute i moved into my row on my departing flight last week, the man behind me starting speaking to me about how if i wanted to during the flight, i could recline my seat all the way and he would give me a massage in flight. i opted to sit straight up uncomfortably in my chair to avoid this scenario. the second we landed he informed me that it was quite a shame that i hadn't taken advantage of his in-flight massage. um yeah...b/c having some grimy strangers hands on my shoulders seems really relaxing. yum!
3. rhinestones are in as demostrated by the woman sharing my row on the above flight. rhinstones on her sweatpants, hairclip, phone, fingernails, etc. the minute we started our descent, she started primping and i almost followed her out of the airport just to see who she was meeting.
4. hollywood kisses in real life (meaning at the baggage claim) make everyone uncomfortable. thanks a ton fake red-headed lady and your boyfriend, luvah, whatever in a suit. i totally appreciate that you were excited to see each other, but we didn't need to see the tent.
5. there are some really genuinely nice people around when you least expect them. yesterday, when riding the BART to the airport from Napa, i met manny, an adorable 73 year old man who owns an italian restaurant, has 17 grandchildren and said i reminded him of one of his daughters. he gave me his business card and asked that i call him next time i'm in the bay area - he and his wife would like me and my friends to come to one of their family dinners (she only cooks mexican food at home). wonder what would happen if i actually called manny...

glad to be home, if only for a moment.

Everyday...

everyday i take the same route to work through some back streets to avoid traffic before sitting on a bridge and finally letting the horses fly on the ole interstate. and everyday i see the same mid-60s man sitting in his older pick-up truck taking a nap with the car running before heading into work. some days, if i'm running a little bit late i spy him getting out of his pick-up and heading into work, but most days he's got his head back on his headrest, eyes closed, taking in the last bits of his morning slumber. usually i worry about carbon monoxide poisoning (in fact the first time i witnessed his actions i almost pulled over thinking he had died in his car. secretly i wonder if it was my ploy to secure my 10 minutes of fame on my local news. "lady revives man from car outside workplace"). lately, i've taken to pondering what it is that compels him to nap in the mornings in his car outside his work. i've developed quite a little story about his life and i believe that he has a wife at home who always wears an apron and pantyhose and makes things like quiche for breakfast. i think she nags him a lot (mostly to do things around the house...rake the leaves, take out the garbage, etc.) and i think he's tired of it. tired of the fact he's been married to her for 30 years and every year gets a little more naggy, not less. so i think he leaves early for work everyday so that he can enjoy 20-30 minutes of piece, alone in his car, listening to his radio and catching up on his last few zzzzs. and, sometimes, i think he's probably on to something. maybe that's the secret to a successful relationship...

where my head is

this here blog has completely fallen by the way side; it's not where my head is right now. a month or so ago i actually drafted a post about how i wasn't going to blog in this space anymore, how i'd lost sight of why i started this thing and how i'd just started writing here for the sake of entertaining my readers. it's still saved as a draft...meaning, i'm not going to take this down yet. in the meantime, my posts may be sporadic while i'm figuring out how i want to use this space and for what.

a few things are going on with me right now. 1) i'm coming off the last weekend i will in town for a month, 2) i'm focusing, seriously focusing, on some people around me and they need the space and time that i have to give, 3) frankly, i have nothing newsworthy to report.

i'm going to spend the majority of the next month traveling and also hoping that it doesn't destroy or ruin or significantly alter any relationships in the process. to all of you, please accept my sincerest apologies - i cannot keep up with all of you right now and i want to and i think of you and i hope you are well, but i just can't. i also can't keep traveling like this, can't keep walking in and out of my own life - it's no way to be. my job must stay as it is and for the most part that travel is acceptable (additionally, there is the dangling carrot that travel will be decreasing in the next few months. jan.-mar. will always be my busiest months as long as i stayed employed here). but i can control the amount of travel that other activities i am involved with require and it has become clear to me that those things must end. if i'm going to travel outside of work, i want it to be for me to places i want to go to be with people i want to see. i'm holding on to one teeny tiny piece of this volunteer job, the part that i like. but the fact that it is taking me out of town for the next two weekends is enough to push me to the other side. i'm not a quitter, but this one i'm going to have to quit.

when i first moved to pdx, i used to tell people that i refused to travel back to seattle as often as was requested b/c i was dedicated to making a life for myself here. that first year, i missed so many things that related to my old friends and my old life and i really wanted to be there, but also knew i needed to be here. now i feel like i'm doing just that; avoiding being here, avoiding being anywhere b/c being somewhere makes me vulnerable and open to potential hurt, but also maybe open to good things. as much as i sometimes hate to admit it, my five year plan is based around five years in portland and if that's going to work for me, i need to be here.

i'm going to spend free time in the next few weeks working on calling when the easy thing is texting, working to figure out how to make room for all the things that currently make me smile, responding to your emails even though that means i have to look at my computer when i'm not working and generally making room in my life.

i'll post here when i can OR the next time i happen to eat shit in a public forum. it's my three week accident free anniversary tomorrow!

no sleep

i didn't sleep last night, but not exactly due to a bout with the insomnia that sometimes rules my life. i woke up at 1:15am physically ill so the television, my bathroom and i spent some serious qt in the wee hours of the night.

i ate a spinach salad for dinner last night - i thought we were back on spinach in this country? are we not and i just forgot? maybe it was the cheese or the tomatoes or the chicken. it's pretty hard to tell when some random somewhat smarmy waiter/cook/whatever is the one who made my dinner. maybe i was drugged, but my overactive imagination kind of doubts it. c'mon, i was having dinner with a 2 year old. ooh, maybe he germed up that french fry he shared with me...

i'm working today, pretending that last night never happened. well not all of it, just the part where i couldn't sleep. i had carpool plans this morning and cocktails with a new friend tonight and my personal mantra has always been if you're too sick to go to work, you're too sick to do anything. guess i'm not very sick. instead, i jumped out of bed and put on one of my best power outfits - i feel sleek and sexy and i lost 3 lbs. since yesterday. not the healthiest of diets...

my head's not into work this week. yesterday during a meeting i found myself staring out the window (not even daydreaming) just annoyed that we were even having the conversation we were having. i did what i always do when i just can't deal - i cleaned every inch of my desk, no more random piles of paper. is it 2 yet? i'd like to go to my next meeting, then skip out with a co-worker for a quick cuppa and a catch up, the clock can't move fast enough...

maybe i'm just tired.

i fall...a lot.

nope, not in love, never a free fall, i literally fall flat on my face... a lot. so much so that i'm actually beginning to think that something is the matter with me as i don't really understand how one single person could fall as often as i do.

i often tell people that the reason i think i fall so often is because i'm so overly involved in the people and things around me that i don't pay attention to myself and where i'm going. falling could also be attributed to the fact that i often wear 3+ inch heels or that i frequently come in out of the rain onto marble flooring, but really i'm starting to think it's just me. (plus the part where i often fall or at least trip and land on all fours when i'm wearing tennis shoes).

lately, though, things have gotten completely out of hand. at this precise moment in time i have two huge bruises on my body from recent falls. last week i fell two times in one day - once when i slipped coming in out of the rain at the W hotel. i literally fell down with my hands full in the midst of hundreds of people drinking HH in the lobby. immediately 3 or 4 men rushed over to try and pick me up (my hands were overly full), but i was kind of stuck there like a fish out of water and needed everyone to move away so that i could hoist myself off the floor. later that same night i managed to fall down the stairs of the restaurant we had dinner in, in front of about 10 colleagues. the result? a stair shaped bruise six inches long on my ass.

mostly i just laugh it off, except when i don't. and i don't when the people around me can't let it go. i'm still hearing about last week's falls this week and frankly i don't need anything more than the physical bruises (and the bruises to my ego) to remind me. do you know that when i meet people now, i just tell them about my falling right up front so they don't have to be weirded out the first time i eat shit after grabbing a drink or some such with them? it's gotten a bit ridiculous.

today, i got a bit of a chuckle as one of my co-workers had left instructions on how to fall down on my desk. the great thing is that she didn't know about last week's falls so this really was in fun. i'm happy to report that at least i've been properly using the falling and have tip top form.

here's what i'm talking about:
"When the inevitable occurs, try the following for minimal bruising to body and ego:"

1. "Go limp. If you try to play it off like you were just breaking into a jog, you'll gain momentum which means harder impact." check. i learned quite a few falls ago that it's way easier to just end up on the ground than to try to recover from the sort of falls i partake in.

2. "Use your hands. Grab onto a wall, banister, or person (taking care not to bring them down with you). You won't land as hard or bruise as much." check. i grabbed onto the banister with all my might the other night - it still didn't stop me from landing on my ass and half the wait staff running over to see if they could help. additionally, some of you may remember a certain fall i had during my college years (i landed on my face then, so at least i've gotten better there - the result a black eye) where i took out the girl walking with me and we ended in a giant pile with my dress up around my neck - AWKWARD!!!

3. "It's better to fall backward on your behind than forward on your face. The exception is climbing stairs, in which case attempt to catch yourself with your hands and knees. In all instances, avoid the chin plant." check. see details about ass bruise and #2 above.

4. "Get up as fast as possible, with little fanfare. Don't examine the sidewalk accusingly. Tell concerned passerby you're fine, and walk away briskly." check - i do this in all situations regardless of how badly i've hurt myself (see earlier post about breaking my hand).

5. "Try to laugh." check - i laugh for days most of the time when i fall. unfortunately, so do most people around me and i often think it's uncomfortable laughter. i actually started to think that my co-workers may think i have some sort of problem.

i've taken the liberty of posting this entire article on my cube wall in the hopes that it will help me focus on overcoming this little issue. if not, maybe it's time to have my head checked....literally.

you might have noticed...

that i've gone missing again. it's what i do right before i head off to a big event; i hunker down and get the job done, working a million hours in the week or so leading up to an event, it leaves little time to do anything but come home to get some sleep at night. sometimes, if you're lucky, i might write a great big post on the airplane or at some moment during my travels, but i save the good stuff for when i'm living my real life at home.

newsflash: i have one major week-long plus work commitment every month through july so you can expect one major disappearance from me every month prior to my leaving. at least now you'll know where i am when i disappear.

things to note:

• i'll resurface next week back in pdx - after having spent last weekend without talking to a soul until arriving at the airport on sunday, this weekend holds b-day parties and girls' nights and fun (and actually a good chunk of work-like activities as well).
• i have one free weekend in february.
• i have to travel again soon, too soon.
• sometimes i get homesick for my bed and my space and the me that's me when i'm at home. i don't sleep when i travel.
• sometimes i hate the me that travels all the time. i hate that a man walked up to me today and asked about my job and then looked at my hand, said you're not married, so at least that explains why you do it. no, i do it b/c i love it and even though i sometimes hate the traveling me, the work fits me.
• i made myself more than uncomfortable the other day when discussing (with another foodie) the increasing cost of flank steak. my comment? perhaps you should only use flank steak as your "formal meat". who says things like this? formal meat? what exactly does that mean?

i'm guessing you're used to this "me" now.

coming off the weekend high

i had one of those completely unexpected, utterly fantastic weekends - the kind that makes it a little bit harder to get out of bed on a monday morning, just because you wish that the fun could continue.

last week i was in a bit of a slump all week and extra disappointed b/c it was the one weekend i was in pdx in the entire month of january and i had no plans. i think i've fallen off people's radars these days as i'm completely unreliable due to the fact that i'm pretty much never anywhere.

friday, my friend the doctor and i headed out for a couple drinks which turned into many drinks, the doctor yelling at a man who was harassing me, a line of men waiting to buy us drinks after the yelling, a fall, a split open knee and a tear in my favorite jeans (not related to drinking actually) - it was one of those truly random and very fun evenings - you can't plan these things.

saturday involved walks and puzzles and me time, which ran into saturday night with an impromptu dinner party, some friends unexpectedly in from seattle and finally the chance to meet the notorious "LO".

sunday, a perfectly sunny day, sun roof open, reading in coffee shops, more walks, and "getting my life together" with the cooking and the laundry and the caulking of the bathroom window.

things accomplished this weekend: 1/2 of a 1000 piece puzzle, a new paint color for the bedroom, less fear of mold in the bathroom, much laughter and maybe a little bit of dancing to "pour some sugar on me".

how to focus on work when that happened?

you heard it here first

last night i swung by borders to finally, finally get a 2007 calendar. (for those of you that don't know me, you should know that having a calendar posted in my cubicle is paramount to the success of me. i need it to make me feel good about crossing out every day to note the passage of time). i've only been in my office 6 days in 2007 and everyday felt this huge gaping hole when i didn't have a day to cross off. the good news about waiting so long? calendars were only $4! and i got a great angry little girls calendar to match the book Nata got me a couple years ago for my b-day.

since i'd driven around for 20 mins. trying to find a parking space, i thought i would spend some time browsing the store while i was in there. i rounded the corner past the self-help section and there was that damn "he's just not that into you" book that everyone raves about. please note: i have never ever picked up this book before yesterday, but have secretly wondered what it was all about. so last night, i threw caution into the wind and picked that sucker up and starting thumbing through the first few chapters.

here's what i learned:

1. the font in that thing is huge! pretty much making that man feel like he wrote a really long and useful book, but didn't.
2. 90% of the text is fake emails with his responses. um, if i ever write a book it will not be in that format.
3. any guy who isn't knocking down your door, bringing you flowers everyday, calling you every minute, being pretty much a stalker is just not that into you.

which i guess explains why every single relationship or male encounter i have ever had has not worked out.

i like tights

just thought i'd share this little tidbit b/c i have a lot to say today.

i'm wearing a skirt today with some textured tights (i like to try to wear skirts a couple times a week - it's supposed to make me feel more feminine; sometimes it works). today as i was walking down the hall at work i realized why i really like to wear skirts with textured tights in the winter...it's b/c then i don't have to feel my fat legs touch ever - the tights keep 'em separated.

hooray, for the ridiculous invention that is pantyhose!

kicked out of the club

remember a while back when i went to dinner club? and how i thought they might not invite me back?

um, apparently i totally got kicked out of the club!!! at the end of last dinner club we decided on a date and location for the next dinner club. i came home and dutifully noted both on my calendar. as the weeks went by and the day drew near, my email was silent, no email reminders, no looking forward to seeing yous, no nothings. then, a couple days before the event i learned that i needed to travel on the date of the dinner club so i went back through my emails and tracked down the leader's info. i sent her a nice email saying i thought the next dinner club was rapidly approaching, i couldn't attend, but wanted to be included next month. no response. now i've emailed with this woman on several occassions so i know that it wasn't the right email address or that she didn't know who i was or...i think i'm getting the silent treatment - FROM MY DINNER CLUB!!!

seriously, i'm used to this happening when i go out with boys and they don't have the balls to tell me they're not interested or they met someone or there's football on or whatever, but my DINNER CLUB??? i'm hurt!

guess it's official, my chatterbox mouth is reason 8760 why i'm not allowed to leave my house. good thing big plans this weekend include recaulking my bathroom window.

little baby's growing up

this little baby is growing up so fast! today we upgraded to the new blogger so that she could accept comments from all of you even if you don't have blogger log-ins.

we might be asking for trouble here...

reflections on being alone

being alone is a great, liberating feeling right up to the point where it's not. the past few days have put me deep into thought about being alone. a little insight into what's in my head these days:

• i spent saturday morning curled up on my couch, tears running down my face, catching up on some dvr'd shows. for some reason this drama touched me a bit too much? as i was sniffling my way through two cups of coffee, i cherished my alone time b/c for once no explanation was needed for my tears.
• saturday night ended up being a girls night and i fumbled around my house at 1am not worrying about needing to be quiet or who might ask where i'd been.
• last night i came home from my third business trip in as many weeks and realized that i have not had someone (other than my mother) pick me up at the airport since 2003. suddenly lonliness snaked it's way inside and a bit of reality set in. while i love that no one ever asks when i come or go, no one ever knows when i come or go. no one was happy i was home, most people didn't even know i was gone...
• so, i spent last night curled up in a blanket, lights out, candles lit listening to my music while reflecting. for a melancholy night, i was definitely glad that no one asked what on earth i was listening to.
• today i woke up on the absolute worst side of the bed - perhaps a result of excess time in my own noggin. it would've been nice to have someone to tell.

#####

in other news...the other night after several hours of good conversation a man brushed some hair out of my face in conjunction with our parting hug. this seemingly innocent gesture was somehow surprisingly intimate so much so that i'm still thinking about it days later.

airport notes

i'm sitting in the portland airport eating the most over priced nasty airport salad - i know it's my meal for the evening, i don't get to my destination until late, so i'll eat every bite of it and try to pick out the really nasty parts.

i'm traveling again. gone today, back tomorrow, gone again in a few days. thank goodness i sort of kicked the cold so at least my head won't explode in flight - that would be gross!

at least i'm going somewhere warm and sunny (although i didn't really pack for warm and sunny knowing i will be inside a lot and coming back to pdx very quickly). the weather's still awful here (supposed to snow more tonight) and when i called for a cab to bring me to the airport they said it could be any time between 20 minutes and 2 hours - other cab companies i called didn't even answer. thankfully the cab arrived just shy of 20 mins. later and i was saved the chore of driving myself to the airport in this weather.

i'm wearing pink. i like pink. i put this sweater on (that i never wear b/c i think it's quite boxy) just for this trip. it's enjoying it's adventure, i'm sure.

that's all i've got - just some ramblings. i've been spending time this week using my real words to compose emails of actual substance and prepare for meetings to come. so tonight...ramble on.

snow day

it might be raining in baltimore, but today it's snowing in portland. i've been in my office 1.5 days since the new year - between travel and sick and holidays and snow the working from the office has been minimal.

i woke up this morning to inches on my porch railing and the news that it was best to work from home if you could. people are cross country skiing on the sidewalks and cars are sliding everywhere - kids sledding, people bundled up walking their dogs and everyone stopping in at the local coffee shop for a cuppa. snow makes everything better, it cleans the soul and the streets. people are friendlier (an unexpected day away from work/school can make almost anyone charming), and there's a sense of community that never exists in the cities. it's not as much like this in co, but in the nw where we don't get snow often, it brings us together and makes the experience that much more special. that's today for me. cozied with a cup of coffee and the stereo rocking out and working - it's a great day. i want to make snow angels and walk hand in mittened hand with someone.

it's cold. it's beautiful. it's tuesday.

the neighborhood in snow...

goodbyes make me crazy

tonight i said goodbye to a dear friend and ex-luvah who's off on quite a grand adventure (to tokyo).

i once went on a grand adventure with him - he's why i came to portland; the adventure being the possibility of a life together. obviously, that adventure didn't go so well.

the thing is...i'm terrible at goodbyes - i always cry and the tears rolled down my face as i said goodbye to this good friend off to experience new things. part of me is jealous b/c i'm staying here in portland, committed to whatever life i have here right now. and also a bit jealous b/c he's off doing something fun and new while i continue deal with mortgages and mold; it'd be easier if i could hide in the suitcase, just for the adventure.

at any rate, here's to KP! happy travels...

Vegas Recap

i'm back from Las Vegas and officially lifting the silence curtain that has hidden the blog for the last week. overall, it was a good trip both work and otherwise. i came home with a cold that has settled in my chest and i sound bee-yoo-ti-ful today.

so...for your friday, thought i'd leave you with my top 5 things learned in vegas (relating neither to work nor vegas itself):

1. it feels pretty darn good to ask for what you want, even if the outcome isn't quite what you were hoping for.

2. sometimes getting too drunk can result in a good thing.

3. sending out a buzzed email is a safe way of flirting.

4. a stuffed bleu cheese olive dirty martini a day really does keep the doctor away (although somehow this doesn't really explain why i am sick now)

5. sometimes you just need a great big bear hug from an old friend.

happy friday my dears - i have a long weeked and am going to try to get my voice back up into the female octave.

vegas, baby

i'm in las vegas for a week - have already been here for a couple days and prior to today had nothing to report other than the fact that my laptop bag had given me a giant raspberry on my neck while standing in the 45 min. taxi line at the airport. that, and the fact that i helped accidentally push a colleagues card (that fell out of her billfold) under a machine never to be found again. in other words my work focus is helping me to behave myself in vegas.

i don't ever talk about anything real on this site and i probably never will - i spend far too much time protecting the innocent as they don't deserve the points where their lives collide with mine, aired in this public forum. i don't talk about the way things make me feel or what i really think (unless it's a good funny story, usually involving something ridiculous i've done). i won't now either.

and not to turn this into the lamest cliffhanger of all time, my dear readers, but i'm going to step back from this for a few days. i'm going to write in my real journal, the one where i do talk about the real stuff. i met up with a friend in vegas last night and the encounter left me with a lot of things to think about and work through. even though all i want to do is work through it here, it's not the right thing to do so i'm going to sign-off from here until i return to portland and am able to share the same old silly megan stories.

that's where i'll be, in my head.

but if you need a good laugh picture this: i caught my heel on some tile in the Paris hotel today and did a face plant in the middle of the casino - my backpack nearly knocked me out and the colleague i was walking with thought i was joking around b/c of something she said. only i, would really actually fall. here's another bruise for the bruise collection.

2007 kick-off

hello, hello, hello….and welcome to aught seven. here’s the update that you, my faithful readers, have been waiting for. please note: this post is about eleventeen hundred words long so you have that to look forward to.

first off, can we talk about how thrilled i am that 2006 is over? not so much my favorite year – there were definitely some highlights – a new condo, a new (and very cool) kitty, great fashion (ha!), some good tv, trips to NY, DC, AZ, TX, CO, Germany and many, many trips to WA. overall the bads far outweighed the goods and i was more pleased than ever to remove the ’06 calendar from my wall and place the clean slate of ’07 in plain view.

before we begin on all things 2007 let’s recap where i’ve been while you’ve been thinking i was MIA. after my last post, i pretended to take some time off work to celebrate the holidays – that was really a funny joke b/c i worked pretty much full time getting ready for the event whose plane ride has provided me with ample time to give you this update. i was able to host some family members in the teeny tiny condo over the holidays – three people + one bathroom + one broken back = too small of living space. i did get a Christmas tree for the first time in 3 or 4 years and it pretty much crowded out the remainder of my living space in the condo. two days before my break i had “fudgetastrophy 2006” the moment when i decided it would be a good idea to make fudge for my co-workers and neighbors for xmas treats so…at approx. 10:30 one night i embarked on a fudge making adventure only to end up with a disaster, fudge all over the stove and kitchen floor, a never ending growing marshmallow mess and fudge that really ended up being like ganache.

for 2007 one of my goals is to re-focus on my love of cooking and all things fancy food. i started on it a bit early as you might remember from this post, but decided to take it a bit further on xmas day. i made my holiday guests a delicious-o meal (if i do say so myself) of home infused pomegranate vodka martinis, garlic mashed potatoes, seared flank steak with a red wine, mushroom and bleu cheese reduction and my fabulous green beans. for dessert we stuffed ourselves with pears in red wine sauce and vanilla ice cream followed by kahlua in our coffee and homemade bailey’s courtesy of rosie – yum! in this new year, my hope is to encourage all those around me to enjoy at least one link-made meal per quarter. i hope some of you can make it.

just two hours after my xmas houseguests were dropped off at the airport, i got a call from a couple seattle friends looking for a place to stay so T and a new friend T swung by and picked me up for drinks and fun in the neighborhood.

reality check: i officially think this post now sounds like a year-in-review xmas letter and since i don’t believe in these things and would never send one i guess you can say that it’s seeped in and appeared on my blog.

i brought the new year in with an unexpected bang this year (wherin i may have unexpectedly kissed a boy - but we won't discuss this here). T & T were still in town and another friend K had arrived from Sacramento. Our friend G had a fun little soiree at her house and T, T & i ended up becoming the official party. my legs hurt for the first three days of the new year. (i guess that’s what you get for waving your ass in the air for approx. eleventeen hours on the NYE). i’m hoping to receive some pictures from the evening and may post here. apparently, i spent a good hunk of the early hours of jan. 1 doing something on the floor and i KNOW my famous patented dance move came out more than once – oh dear! gueessing these folks won’t be having me to any of their parties in 2007.

i’ve spent this week frantically preparing for this trip and knowing i was immediately going to go MIA again. i have at least one major work trip planned for every month in the first half of this year (so overall i guess it’s good y’all don’t know where i live in case you’d gotten some crazy stalker symptoms).

2007 already has a mantra – open and optimistic. i’m hoping to really embrace this in regards to oh-so-many things so when my negative nancy rears her ugly head remind me, okay?

i’m also hoping some of you out-o-towner punks will make it to the great pdx this year – would love to see your cute faces in my area.

2007 also brings the promise to share many funny stories in the form of frequent updates on this blog – you can expect that even with the open and optimistic I’ll still manage to make a fool of myself, quite possibly more than usual.

so readers, welcome to the aught seven – hope your holidays and new years were fruitful and that you’ll remain loyal to my shameless ramblings on the old “no kool-aid here.”

the big post

is forthcoming, i promise.

i'm headed out on a plane for another biz trip tomorrow and plan to use plane time to compose the massive post that you're looking for.

i know i disappeared for a couple weeks here...i've been many, many feet under water with work (mostly) and holidays and company and new years and all of it. there's much to share....wait for it. :)

i had a dream...

last night.

that i was looking out my skylight (btw - i don't really have a skylight) and it was open and suddenly cans of soda started falling from the sky. i was so excited when they first started coming in through the skylight b/c i knew they were coming from airplanes in the sky and i'd never before caught a "falling airplane soda". they came through my windows in all flavors (but all Coke products). i was surprised that so many were falling b/c usually (apparently) only one or two of these fall out of planes at a time.

sometime after gathering numerous sodas it dawned on me that all of the sodas were falling b/c something was terribly wrong with the plane and almost moments later hundreds of passengers (all alive) came falling from the sky wearing parachutes.

bizarre for sure.

i woke up this morning wondering what this stood for. i can tell it's a little warped reality - you know how sometimes the blue ice falls into people homes? but i wondered if i'd had the dream b/c i got some disappointing news yesterday and the sodas represented the excitement (pre-disappointment) and then the realization of what so many falling meant was symbolic of how i really felt about the news - seemingly good thing is bad since something is terribly wrong and people start falling. but what to make of all people alive and falling to the ground in droves wearing parachutes?

what does it all mean?

3 glasses of wine

3 glasses of wine apparently liberates me enough to openly cry when my ex-boy's sister says something nice to me AND allows me to gather a captive audience to retell this story as if it's the funniest thing that ever happened.

i took a quick trip to seattle over the weekend to visit my city, a few of my old friends and kick off the holidays. it was a quick trip and i managed to only almost spill my quiche on one person.

i thought i'd have something

to report today.

last night was the company holiday party and pretty much these things are always recipe for disaster. disaster probably did ensue, but it must've been after i left.

we had stormy, stormy weather in pdx last night - you probably heard about it on your news too. my family called this morning b/c they'd heard all about trees down and power outages and whatnot - i made it to the party despite the weather.

rosie stopped me from ordering a third drink (my first above and beyond the two ticket allotment) and i think that small gesture is what saved me from having a story to tell today.

instead, i left at a proper 10:30 and was in my bed at 11. no-kool aid for me at this company party.

enjoy your weekend, readers. i'll try to do something suitably ridiculous this weekend just so you'll have something to chuckle about (likely you'll just be glad that you weren't with me or didn't take me there) on monday.

xo.

last night i...

fell off the elliptical machine at the gym in what may have been one of my funniest moments this month!

i'm not exactly sure what happened other than the fact that i hopped up on that machine ready to take it by storm and somehow lost my balance and fell right off. the worst part about it was that no one acknowledged that it happened. normally, i would be happy that no one acknowledged my embarrassing moment b/c that would mean no one would have seen it, but there is no way that this went unnoticed! when i was laughing out loud about the whole thing, it would've been wholly appropriate for someone to laugh with me.

in the end everything was fine and i was forced to work out with extra vigor to compensate for my embarrassment so i guess that's good.

it's way better than my freak gym accident of 2005 when i somehow dropped my iPod shuffle and it hit my foot only to get lost in the treadmill forever (seriously they took the treadmill apart and never found that sucker).

officially, reason 34958 why you can't take me anywhere.

bathroom pet peeves: part 3

when i posted about bathroom pet peeves (here and here), i seriously had no idea that this would become the most common thread on my entire blog - seriously who am i?

but ladies, today you brought this to my attention:

i understand the need for the little paper toilet seat covers, in fact, i quite like them. i like how when i use them i don't feel like my butt is sharing a space with every other female butt in my office/ public space. somehow, that makes me feel a little bit cleaner in the public restroom.

but ladies, after you finish using the paper toilet seat cover, please make sure it flushes down the toilet when you flush. because seriously, when i open the stall door and see the used paper toilet seat cover with your butt print on it, that actually grosses me out more than if i'd just had to sit on the seat without the cover at all. (at least then there wouldn't be hard evidence that your ass had been there.)

thankyouverymuch.

we kind of knew this was coming...

by we, i mean you and me, readers...i've actually been holding off posting this week because i had a feeling...

last night i went to have dinner with some people i'd never met before (not a single one of them); the most i'd done was emailed with one to find out the date/time of our dinner.

confession: i answered a craigslist ad about an upscale dinner group. i belonged to one in seattle (not from craigslist) and it was a favorite activity - i'd really been missing it since the great pdx migration.

i almost didn't go. honestly, because i didn't know one thing about these people except that a few of them were friends - they could've been 15 or 50, any sort of political, religious or other type of affiliation and because i always, always have to psych myself up when i go to meet new people - it had been a long day.

i arrived at le pigeon just a few minutes late and was met by a table full of very charming people of varying ages (a nice mix for sure). there were only two new people and for some reason the people thought my profession was very interesting so they were asking me a lot of questions, but then...then something happened and i just couldn't shut up and i was talking and talking and talking and well, some of you might know that i like to talk but i usually try to shield people from my detailed stories and endless babble until they've met me a few times.

at one point one of the women asked me why i joined or something and i honestly started my reply with "well, i really like to talk..." meanwhile in my head i'm thinking shut up, shut up shut up, stop being that girl.

in the end i couldn't help myself and pretty much chatted non-stop for the entire meal - we'll see if they ever invite me back.

but, c'mon me? in that situation? i think we kind of knew this might happen...

PS - if you are ever in pdx, totally go to le pigeon but bring a friend and sit at the bar. i'd say it's a must...

i think santa might have the flu

seriously, because that's about the only explanation for why huge portions of my neighborhood now look like santa threw up on the houses.

friday night i went to grab a glass of wine with a friend and was completely caught off guard by the scene i witnessed just a few doors down from the swanky neighborhood wine bar. (please note: i've yet to capture this scene on film, but i doubt my photography skills will do it justice). wine bar's neighbors have filled every inch of their gigantic pdx porch with various different stuffed animals dressed in santa hats and other holiday garb hanging from swings. the portions of the porch not covered with swinging stuffed toys has been decorated with lights and other holiday "decorations". this house is a horrible cross between some f'd up version of moulin rouge (the one with nicole kidman) and santa's sick and twisted stuffed animal workshop. please for the sake of all of my neighbors this holiday season, take down the bears!

the other spot where santa apparently stopped to upchuck is a beautiful and giant house just two blocks from my own. last weekend their decorations were tasteful and appropriate for the size and stature of their home - this weekend, not so much. they've managed to cover every spare inch of every porch with those humongous light-up packages. it's just plain too much, but from what i know about santa from all those holiday movies, i think he likes these things. maybe these folks will get far more presents than i this year.

santa just had a teeny tiny accident in my house this weekend. i supported my local high school booster club and bought a tree from the kids. you would have loved seeing me drag it home from their lot and up the stairs to the condo. i managed to get it all set-up in it's little tree stand and decorated. along with some holiday smelling candles and a couple other holiday items in the home, that's about as sick as santa's allowed to get at my house.

welcome to december - the countdown's on!

it was your typical wednesday...

right up to the point where somehow a little bit of spit (spittle? or spit? is spittle for grandparents and spit for the rest of us?) flew out of my mouth and into the mouth of a co-worker as i was expressing my excitement over birthday cupcakes. ew! (note: we were several feet away so on another level this demostrates the projectile potential of my mouth or something...)

anyway, just call me miss manners....

portland is pretty (& also a story)

it snowed off and on all day yesterday in the great pdx. at moments you could hardly see out the window and last night driving home i got caught in a brief blizzard where signs suddenly disappeared (this and the possible freezing temps gave me just enough push to forgo the gym and cozy into my house).

i expected to wake up this morning to icy roads and the recommendation to stay home from work (i even took my computer home in anticipation. well that, and the fact that they recommend that we take our computers home every night in the winter b/c you just never know...funny, really). alas, some snow and frost on my car and many school closures, but a regular work day for me. it was seattle who got lucky this time...here's hoping for pdx ice storm of 2006 (but only after i am home in my warm slippers).

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and now for a fun/disasterous dating story...b/c i haven't shared a good one in awhile. frequent commenter, coho, will remember this one as this is from the days when we were like peanut butter and jelly and she had to live through the recounts of a ton of these (although let's be honest, she brought plenty of her own dating disasters to the table).

oh, and also, this is the part where i reveal that i am an evil, evil woman...

it took me a minute to remember where i even met this guy, over the top dater (OTTD), but everything has just come back to me.

it was my friend travis' b-day and his boyfriend always threw some kind of wild party for him - this particular year was no exception. (incidentally, it just so happens to be T's b-day today and though i haven't spoken to him in a couple years i'll throw him a virtual happy b-day!) coho and i had gotten all dolled up to join in on the festivities at a local, but swanky new, bar. OTTD was a friend of a friend of a friend or something and in a nutshell basically no one anyone we knew knew him so when he kind of latched onto me early in the night i turned to coho and said, "let's see how long it takes for this guy to ask for my number." (see, me? mean.)

it didn't take OTTD long and being the seasoned dater that i was, i simply handed him my business card expecting never to see him again (b/c honestly, that's how these things work - seriously). but you see, that's the part where i didn't know OTTD was OTTD b/c if i had known that about him then, i would've clammed up and never given the guy my card just to avoid this scenario.

OTTD called me at work the very next day wanting to know when we could get together. i stalled and stalled and finally agreed to meet him, for coffee, in a very busy location near his workplace. (this is a good time to call out that he worked for the company where coho now works and they also sometimes pay my bills. coho - you running into that guy ever?).

date day comes and i drive to meet him directly from work (see this all sounds pretty nice and innocent right now, eh?). when i first spot him i'm surprised to discover that a man who i know works for a company with a dress code of jeans, is wearing khakis and a jacket - this should've been my first clue. OTTD gives me a quick hug and suggests we go to dinner in lieu of coffee, i agree and we walk to a nearby thai restaurant. we sit down for what i assume will be a slightly awkward, but overall pleasant dinner and it did start out that way right up to the point where OTTD reaches into his suit jacket pocket (proposal style) and pull out a jewelry box. my initial reaction of wtf is sent through the roof when i open it up to find a silver necklace with flower charm a) not my style, but how would OTTD know that - he just met me and b) really, honestly too much for a first non-date, date - we were meeting for coffee for crying out loud!!!

OTTD then tells me that his mother told him to always bring a girl flowers, but he thought this would last much longer (gag!). i tell him it's lovely (what else am i to do?) but that i can't wear it right now as the neckline of my sweater doesn't allow for accessories (that's a line if i ever heard one).

now, i might have survived and not even written about this story if that had been the end of it. (wait! who am i kidding, it was still way too much), but when OTTD insisted on paying for dinner, walking me to my car and pushing past my handshake for a hug he'd already made it to my worst date hall of fame. the whole store got worse when the next day, at work, i got 5 phone calls and the largest and fanciest bouquet of flowers i have ever received in my entire life - needless to say OTTD went racing straight to the top of the too much and a little scary dates.

long story short, i had to call this guy (after one non-date, date!) and tell him that it just wasn't working. seriously, scary!

one closing note, over the years, many friends have pointed out that had i actually been attracted to this guy that i would've been thrilled with the gifts and calls and flowers and maybe that is the case. i guess that's the part that is the most scary about the dating - one man's OTTD is another man's treasure (that's the saying, right?)

oh, and the necklace? i ended up taking it to the store where it was purchased and exchanging it for something that was a bit more me. sometimes i still wear it.

of note...

through all the bad dates and serious relationships and things of that nature over the past few years, i seem to have lost my game (whatever game i may have had at some point in my life). take this snapshot from earlier this week:

just for background (and the record). i am not hot gym girl - never have been, never will be. i'm sweaty, trying to loose a few pounds, but mostly hoping to just tone, lots of clothes to cover up my legs which i don't so much like gym girl. i don't wear tiny tank tops or short shorts and no one EVER talks to me at the gym (unless they are my trainer in which case, much like the sorority, it was because i paid them to talk to me - haha!)

at any rate, the other night i was at the gym lifting some weights and generally beefing up my tough-o-meter when hot gym guy (HGG) starts using a machine right next to were i'm working on the ole biceps. out of the blue HGG turns to me and says "i didn't take your machine did i?".

me: "no, because if you did i would beat you up." (me making punching motions with my hands)

HGG: "phew, well i'm glad that didn't happen."

note: here's the part where if you were me you maybe would've said something witty back.

me: "yeah, because i'm tough." and then...i promptly finished my set and walked away.

way to go self, way to go.

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this smooth move concludes the scheduled postings for this week. you may hear more depending on how things go on the big day (turkey day, sillies), but here's wishing all No Kool-Aid Here readers a Happy Thanksgiving.

a thanks for something

it's turkey week! (or thanksgiving week for most of you).

i'm in a bit of a weird spot this year. i know, i know me in a weird spot? never... but this year for the turkey time i belong neither here nor there, just somewhere in the middle. i have had three different people ask me what's wrong with me this week. and honestly, i don't think anything but maybe something. we'll call it holidays.

since i'm not big on the mushy give thanks posts, i thought i'd share some pics from my trip to germany and thank that country for a glorious kick off to November.

me tearing it up until 5AM (whoops!) also i apparently have no chin when dancing


drinking beer munich style (you have to rest that stein on your wrist b/c it's so heavy)



munich view from the clock tower


munich likes lions like every other city has had it's fun

um, hi, apparently i'm "that" girl

the votes are in and apparently i am now "that" girl, the one that you maybe don't want to take to functions where your grandmother or very conservative parents will be because i'm, um maybe sort of unpredictable and you just never know what's going to come shooting out of my mouth. ugh!

yesterday, i attended the work baby showers of two friends/colleagues and not because, but maybe a little bit because of the fact i'm neither married nor have children the following completely inappropriate things came out of my mouth (in front of women i'd never met, some i've known for a while, and some small babies):

1. "I'd totally do him!" - in response to someone mentioning that George Clooney had once again been voted the sexiest man alive.
2. "I bet the first thing you thought of was that Sex and the City episode where Samantha or someone says, 'no one needs a penis with a carrying case!'" - in response to one woman sharing why she'd decided to circumcise her child.
3. I said a few other choice things, that have currently slipped my mind (which, in the interest of full disclosure, or lack thereof, is maybe a good thing), in response to various gifts opened - egad! who am i?

However, i'd like to note that one of my dear friends (whom many of you know), also in the room made the following comment about a very large bib that was gifted. "I have a great idea why don't you dress your baby up in that humongous thing and nothing else."

Perhaps this is why we are both single and childless...

phew! i'm glad we got that out of the way

in an effort to avoid dealing/posting with/about my year of decline with a few bright spots (aka 2006), i wanted to share some really fantastic news with you all.

while i was away, my office has been transformed. transformed into a winter safety and health conscious wonderland. here are some of my great findings:

• even though some of my co-workers have questionable bathroom habits and i've witnessed the lack of hand washing, posters are now at every bathroom entrance and in every stall suggesting that you cover your mouth when coughing and then promptly wash or sanitize your hands. A few comments: one, are we really only concerned about this now? two, are we adults, really unsure of what do do when we feel a cough coming on? three, if we are going to post this, maybe we could also post some step-by-step instructions on how to wipe one's own rear?
• our building management has also posted some signs throughout the building on winter safety including the recommendation that we no longer park under trees (in case you didn't hear, the NW has had horrible rains in the past week and trees have fallen down cutting power and causing other issues). my main comment to that is: "gee, thanks for the suggestion. just one thing to note, we have trees throughout our entire parking lot and my guess is that there are one, maybe two parking spaces that are not near trees. everyday 98% of the spaces are filled with cars so i don't really have a lot of options to park 'away' from trees as you so kindly suggest."

I'm sure there are several other gems, but those are the top two. phew! i don't know what i would've done without the guidance - thanks all!

it's the same thing in any language

caveat: i just returned to the states from germany yesterday and jet lag has hit me hard and heavy, but i knew my readers were waiting....

seriously, the mating dance (literally in this case) is truly the same in any language. take this snapshot, for instance:

last week after finishing the work portion of my german excursion some colleagues and i decided to go out for a celebratory dinner. we went to a delicious french restaurant (in germany) where we drank german champagne, ate some delicious food and downed several bottles of wine. honestly, we were in a good place when we left the restaurant. after dinner we decided to meet up with some other colleagues at a nearby cuban bar for some additional beverages and i maybe had the biggest vodka soda i've ever had (think beer stein of vodka with a splash of coke) and then maybe had one more drink after that so when said colleagues suggested we go to a club to meet up with yet more colleagues, it seemed like the perfect idea. (note: i was out until nearly 5AM which has last happened....um, NEVER!)

at any rate, approximately 30 minutes after our arrival i was tearing it up on the dance floor when some german? belgian? some non-English speaking fellow starts grinding on me. and at first i'm tipsy enough to think it's pretty funny and a bit flattering, but when he reaches over to unbutton my sweater, i grab two of my guy friends and beg them to save me, because seriously, wtf?!?! throughout the entire night i cannot get rid of this guy no matter how many other men i dance with and how often i turn away from him. and at the end of the night when i'm sitting on the couch waiting for friends to close out bills and whatnot, the guy's standing there by the door with his coat on perhaps thinking that he's coming home with me. but here's the thing, he's not. and other than dancing with him at the beginning, i did nothing to give this man the impression that he would be.

a cold shoulder, a quick chat with my male colleague and some comments later and the guy finally takes off. now i realize we'd all been drinking and dancing and whatnot, but what gives men the right to assume that a few dances equals an invitation to come home?

i guess the good news is that it makes no difference where you are, some liquor and and a heavy dance beat seems to present men with the idea that they have a license to conquer women and being conquered is one thing i don't need.

i'll stand on my own thanks.

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more thoughts on my german adventures to come - just as soon as these cobwebs exit my head.

ready for new

october's been a hard month for me both professionally and personally.

professionally, i've been challenged in both good and bad ways, have been stretched to my limits, practiced working on no sleep (again!) and produced amazing results. this month i've cried about my job, i've been praised by people who didn't know my name six weeks ago and i've been given many, many things to think about in regards to my future career.

personally, i've cried more in this month than i can probably ever remember having cried. i've had to say goodbye to two pets, physically hurt myself (a fall at work resulting in a wrist injury), and mourned the loss of those who were once my closest mates.

it's been a rough month and i'm ready for november - a fresh month, a flip of the calendar page, a different perspective.

with that said, i'm leaving the country for 9 days at the end of the week (primarily for work, but a little for fun) - the housesitter's all geared up, reservations made, bicycles and books and cafes waiting.

you likely won't hear from me until the next month has begun - i can't bear to have to talk anymore about october.

this just in...

i'm my own worst enemy and also apparently quite a klutz.

i came into work a little late this morning as i was having some work done on my house. nevermind that i just spent 5 minutes in the parking lot fixing my make-up b/c i was on the phone crying about something and didn't want to be that girl when i walk into the office.

luckily, in order to counter my slightly less than perfect make-up, i'm rocking this great pair of cuffed pinstriped trousers and some stilettos or at least that's what i think. right up to the part where my heel somehow gets caught in my cuff and next thing i know i'm sprawled out on the floor, my lunchtime broccoli and carrots busted out of their sack and scattered about the floor next to a now very, very bruised pear all of which have flown out of my bag. i've skinned my knee and hurt my wrist, but thankfully no one saw me and i didn't just flat out rip the seam of my pants (it was that kind of fall).

i get up, my wrist throbbing, and laugh out loud for the first time today.

ten minutes later when i head to the kitchen to fill my coffee mug there are still tiny bits of broccoli on the carpet - no one knows my secret...

i may be a klutz, but at least i entertain myself.

bathroom pet peeves cont.

ladies, ladies, ladies. apparently my first post wasn't enough to help you understand how to navigate the women's restroom so we're back, for round 2.

ladies, i realize sometimes you might run into a friend in our company's restroom and i get that it's monday morning and you maybe haven't seen or heard from this co-worker friend since last friday. and i get that that is approximately 3 days and that there might be loads and loads of things to catch up on - how the weekend was, what cute thing your kid accomplished, how that date went, etc., etc. but there is NO NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE RESTROOM!!!! step outside and away from the flushing toilets ladies, we have a nice patio, great hallways, a starbucks within walking distance - you've got options.

and also then? then, i don't have to go pee while listening to your conversation.

thanks.

now here's something we can work with

the post i started a few weeks ago before the madness i call work set in.

i spend a lot of time focusing on what doesn't work in the dating world, specifically what hasn't worked for me so i thought i'd share a bit of positive feedback just so you all know that it isn't all bad.

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in 1999 i moved to remote wyoming (40 miles from anywhere, but very close to yellowstone national park. and by anywhere i mean cody, wyoming where the biggest thing is wal-mart) to manage a guest ranch, the UXU Ranch. i had initially pursued the opportunity as part of a requirement for my bachelor's degree and was looking forward to getting away from some of the drama that was my life. looking back on my time there now i'd classify it as one of the happiest times in my life. the serenity of the location, the lack of focus on anything material, my removal from the craziness of day to day news and updates and everything led to extreme loneliness that later gave way to happiness as i grew to truly know myself and be comfortable with quiet and alone. i was a different person when i came back from that adventure and i'm glad for all that it offered me.

but there's another part to that UXU Ranch story and that involves the boys that i dated while living in that remote location. cody isn't exactly a mecca for bachelors and living 40 miles outside of cody meant that pickings were very very slim. i was lucky enough to meet SW on my second night on the ranch. SW was a cowboy, a rangler on the ranch. a tall skinny man with kind eyes and tight jeans. he wooed me in ways that you only read about in books and see in shows like "little house on the prairie" with things like bouquets of wildflowers and poems and music. he also wowed me with his strength and drive. SW was a bullrider and a pretty good one at that. he spent time teaching me about the world of rodeo and all things that go with being that type of athlete. i watched him ride a few times and the ladies hung on his every move. i was proud to know him. (for those of you who know me now in my power suit wearing, money spending clothes habit with a list a mile long of all things that don't equal cowboy, i'm sure you're scratching your heads about now).

i fell in love with SW in the only way a twenty something year old girl who's removed from everything she knows and is overcome by the beauty of her surroundings can and i pursued that love to the best of my ability (while it lasted). unfortunately, SW made a rather dramatic exit to head back home to big cabin, oklahoma and left me crying with nothing but some bull riding numbers, a cowboy hat and the wait for phone calls and letters - they were interesting times to say the least. for some time after, SW and i continued our relationship via phone and handwritten letters but after he left the ranch i knew we were never going to make it. he wanted me to move home to big cabin to buy a house next door to his parents so that i could raise children i wasn't even sure i wanted. his life and mine only meshed in the world that was known as wyoming - there was nothing else.

but the real reason i bring SW up as one of the good times is because of a letter i found of his when unpacking in my new home. for SW had/has written me the most sincere and gentle words i've ever had from any man i've dated and that's why his story appears here. from a letter by SW:

"You are my ambition and strength to get up every day and become a man so I can push myself for a better life. Please God I hope I never fail."

if that doesn't get under a girl's skin, i don't know what does. thanks SW wherever you are - i hope you found happiness.

beauty in the details

not the post i had intended for today, but thought i'd share anyway.

everyday on my way to and from work i have the opportunity to observe the progress on the OHSU tram (a big controversial solution to transportation issues here in PDX). and things are getting kind of close to being finished so today i was thinking about how fun it might be and wondering if it might somehow become a crazy tourist attraction (kind of like trams on the matterhorn and other things of that nature) and all of the sudden i really looked at my drive heading directly west towards the hills and my thoughts were quieted by the beauty of the changing colors of the trees on the hill below OHSU.

i make that drive everyday. and i'm always running late or annoyed with the guy in front of me or distracted by something else, but today my mind sat still for just a moment as i celebrated in the beauty of the changing leaves on the side of a portland hill.

thank goodness for the little things.

in case you were wondering...

i have not died.

i have not stopped blogging.

i don't hate my 4 readers.

i still have two legs (and arms and 10 fingers on each hand).

my car is still in one piece (as am i).

i haven't been on vacation and forgot to tell you.

my cats did not eat my face off.

i did not spontaneously combust (although i did come close a few times).

i just got pulled into the biggest work project ever last week and then needed time to recuperate.

next post is started, check back later this week.


hello world!!!

this is what i have to look forward to?

the other night at happy hour with some new PDX friends, i heard one of the most horrifying modern day cheating stories that i've ever known to be true.

one of the women i was with shared the following story about her friend, scorned lover (SL).

SL had known things weren't perfect between she and the boy for a month or more. in fact, they'd opted to take some breathing space for two weeks to determine next steps. one week into the "space" SL decided that this whole thing was BS and called the boy to make plans one week in to sort everything out. (btw...SL and the boy had been dating for quite some time) they agreed to meet on sunday to discuss what's what. sunday morning SL called the boy to finalize details but her call went unanswered so she took herself for a walk. when she returned an hour or so later, the call had still not been returned (very unlike the boy) so she got a little worried. several hours later (when she had still not heard back) she took herself over to the boy's house and let herself in with her key. like a scene from a movie, inside SL found clothes strewn about, two cars in the garage (one belonging to someone other than the boy) and other evidence that the boy had been with someone else. all evidence of SL had been removed from the boy's house - her personal items from the shower, her robe, etc. it was obvious that this hadn't just been a one-night thing; the boy had taken great care to erase any evidence of SL.

so, SL did what any normal, totally freaked out, just discovered she'd been cheated on woman would do. she rifled through drawers until she found most of her stuff and wrote a post-it note stating that it was over and she'd like her key and the rest of her stuff back as soon as possible. and then she walked out the door, sobbed and called her girlfriend.

as my friend was sharing this story, my first thought was "well, at least she didn't walk in on the two of them together," but my longer reflections on this make me sick to my stomach. these two people had exchanged keys and portions of their lives and yet the boy had no qualms about putting SL's stuff away, regardless of their situation. this is scary, scary stuff.

now i realize that both men and women cheat - i've heard both sides of the story. i'm not a cheater - never have been, never will be. i'm sure i've been cheated on (in fact, there are definitely moments, or a moment, when i believe/believed that my last bf started cheating on me and that may have been the exact moment when i checked out), but if this is what i have to look forward to, why even bother getting back out there?

i'll remember her this way

we got molly and her sister sophie after the tragic loss of my childhood dog and quasi-sister (b/c i'm an only child and somehow pets become sibs when you're an only), kirsty. the year was approximately 1992; they were the cutest puppies we had ever seen and i begged and begged to get molly, another dog of my own. my mom and stepdad finally gave in and several weeks later the world's cutest puppies came into our home.

my mom will sometimes talk about how they were the worst puppies, but ended up being the best dogs. they were so hyper and difficult to train and they were big enough to hurt when they pulled or jumped. i don't think one of us escaped having giant bruises in the shapes of puppy claws running down our legs as a result of some hyper, "i'm so glad that you're home" interaction.

molly was definitely my dog and i loved that she was the first dog i ever had that played frisbee endlessly, she could jump so high. during my angsty high school years, it was with molly that i shared all my secrets about my broken hearts after boyfriends, my dreams, my next steps, etc. we'd walk at night in the neighborhood and i'd tell her my story. she was a constant listener and always wanted to be where you were - she could never get enough petting.

molly was our dog who stole baked goods (which she loved more than anything else) from the counters while they were cooling and she got into more trouble for climbing up on the couches - she always wanted to be a lap dog, but she was way too big.

her sister sophie, our other dog, died when i was in college and molly went through a huge depression - she'd lost her soul mate and single companion. molly powered through and ended up being such a great job in her later years. i didn't take her with me when i moved to seattle - by then we already thought she was too old (going on eight at that time and we'd never had a dog live more than 9 or 10 years), but every time i came home i'd spend countless hours petting molly.

this year molly turned 14 and the last couple years had been rough on her - we'd had a few scares with her and we knew that she was at the point in her life where she'd feel great and be playing and walking one day and gone the next.

over the weekend, molly passed away in a somewhat tragic accident given we always just thought she'd die in her sleep. she fell and hurt herself and no one knew she was that hurt - in a matter of hours she'd gone. i learned of it last night and spent hours looking at pictures of her, just crying my eyes out.

so this week we'll be quiet and mourn the loss.

i prefer to remember her this way - a loyal friend and constant companion, one who will surely be missed.